The solitary gentleman

Hello there,

You may have noticed that we here at The Gentleman have been conspicuously aloof lately.  This is not because we do not hold our readers in the highest regard, in fact quite the opposite.  It is however, due to our busy social schedules, what with all the soirees, galas, jubilees, affairs and receptions.  For the next week, though, no foreign diplomats, dignitaries, tycoons or monarchs have requested our time. So we will both be using our free week to get back in touch with our inner gentleman.

Cary Grant gathers his thoughts via a gentlemanly pose whilst enjoying a delicious beverage.

There are of course many pastimes that a gentleman can occupy his time with by himself.  A solo round of golf can clear a gentleman’s head from all the hubbub of day-to-day life.

Clark Gable enjoys a champion’s breakfast before heading to the golf club.

You may have fallen behind on the classics so why not consult the blueprints of your mansion to find the library and reading room, blow some dust of a heavy book and stare longingly into the fire as you turn the pages.

Frank Sinatra builds up the courage to tackle his “to-read” list.

If you are up-to-date with your literary pursuits why not try your hand at refining your strategic mind by studying the chess masters or dealing a hand of solo whist.

Michael Caine mixes himself a Solo Whist.

If you’re not partial to a hand of cards then why not head to your observatory and witness the celestial motion of the heavens and beyond.

Jimmy Stewart never liked telescopes.

Once you have contemplated the mysteries of the universe why not head from your observatory to the conservatory and contemplate the mysteries of this world.

Humphrey Bogart heads to his conservatory (AKA his humidor) where the humidity is always a constant 70%, just like Havana.

If you don’t like to swelter at the same humidity of the cigar you are currently smoking then why not head to the gardens for a refreshing drink and  a three piece suit.

Sean Conney is dissatisfied with his Mint Julep.

Then main point is, when you are as constantly engaged as many gentlemen are, you must find time to get back to the basics.  Failing that, enjoy a cigar with a few good lugs of your favourite Islay Scotch and recharge your gentlemanly batteries.

Clint Eastwood makes it his business to get some “alone” time.

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O Brixley

H.L Griffith

A Gentleman’s Occupations: Detective

Good day,

It has been a while since I last wrote here. This is because I have been focusing on a new endeavour of mine, a detective agency. Having just closed the books on The Incident of the Mechanics Forefinger, I thought I should update you about two things. Firstly, how I figured out the murderer was Colonel Strak, and secondly (and more importantly), how the occupation of detective has long been associated with gentlemen.

I solved The Incident of the Mechanics Forefinger by using my extensive knowledge of Sherlock Holmes. I realised the case was almost identical to The Adventure of the Engineer's Thumb and immediately new Colonel Strak was the murderer.

I will introduce you to some of history’s most notable detective gentlemen, and in the process giving you the recipe to become a successful detective yourself. The first thing you’re going to need is a magnifying glass.

Once you have a magnifying glass, the next thing you'll need to do is not be Steve Martin.

You will use your magnifying glass primarily for looking for clues, but you will also need it to pose for photos and portraits.

Now, before you start bothering with things like ‘evidence’ and ‘clues’,  you must ask yourself one question: “Was Barbara Stanwyck involved?”. If she was, the murderer was probably Fred MacMurray and you can close the case (cases are rarely, if ever, anything other than murders).

Fred MacMurray dances Barbara Stanwyck into a corner.

The next thing you need is a calabash pipe. This will not only mean you can smoke while deliberating upon the mystery, but you can also strike quite a silhouette.

For the best silhouettes, try to position yourself between your observer and a source of light - a fireplace, the Sun or a window.

Another thing you should consider is referring to yourself in the third person. It will bring an air of mystery to your investigations and also confuse most of the people you question.

"Hand Poirot his monocular, he sees something suspicious in the distance" - Hercule Poirot.

Now that you should have the basics of detective work down, it’s time to set up your own agency. Before you bother registering your business, getting clients or advertising, you are going to want a sign to hang on your door saying your name followed by “P.I.” or “Detective Agency”.

Paul Newman in The Case of the Incorrect Name on His Sign.

Once you begin questioning people you will notice something. Most of the people will have some motive to murder the victim. There are two things that could happen at this point. It could turn out to be none of these people, but the person who hired you in the first place. Or it could be all of them. Either way, you are going to have to develop an excellent suspicious gaze.

If you're not entirely confident in your suspicious gaze, hold up this picture of Philo Vance.

And finally, you should name all your cases. They should all begin with either “The Case of the”, “The Adventure of” or “The Man With the”.

So now you should have the basics of one of the most gentlemanly professions known to gentleman: detective.

Bogart combines three aspects of today's post into one snapshot: smoking, a suspicious gaze and not being Steve Martin.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

The gentleman and the paranormal.

Hello there,

The other day a fellow colleague and gentleman asked me if I believe in ghosts, I told him that it didn’t matter if I believed in them or not, they still exist.  Or do they?  Yes and no.  Yes they exist, but no they don’t.  It’s one of life’s great mysteries, like the loch ness monster or William Shatner’s hair.

The mystery continues.

However gentlemanly encounters with the paranormal date as far back as when Shakespeare wrote Hamlet with a ghostwriter or Isaac Newton’s ghost Gravity would throw apples at him.

Michael Caine is haunted by the ghosts of Statler and Waldorf. They cracked wise at him all night long.

The paranormal isn’t just reserved for ghosts, there are also supernatural powers like foresight and telepathy.  A note of caution however for gentlemen to never get themselves involved with the occult.  This should be left to late night television scams.

Sean Connery tried to see his future. Luckily for Sean, he predicted he was about to be stabbed because he used his crystal ball too much.

Indeed, it isn’t just gentlemen having encounters with spooks from beyond this spiritual realm.  In some cases it has been the gentlemen themselves who have crossed over!

The ghost of Cary Grant and his date tell Mark Hamill (out of shot) to go to the Dagobah system to learn how to be a true gentleman. Luckily for Cary Grant he was soon reincarnated as himself.

There can be many problems attributed to paranormal activity, especially if you are haunted by a gentlemanly ghost.  One might find his cigars missing and Scotch gone.  Not only is theft a problem but now you have a drunk ghost on your hands.  This has happened once or twice at Castle Brixley but it usually turns out to be Humphrey Bogart dropping by.  However if you do have problems there is only one person to telephone.

The good scientists at Ghostbusters will restore your humidor to it's original capacity. They are ready to believe you.

Not everybody believes in ghosts though.  Many a learned gentleman may have come to the logical conclusion that ghosts simply don’t exist.

Sherlock Holmes always let the facts speak for themselves. Here he examines this gentleman's nose and concludes that it is in fact, not a ghost.

There is another theory that states ghosts are not dead people coming back to smoke our cigars, but images from parallel universes crossing over into ours.  This of course is preposterous, or is it?

William Shatner heckles the bridge of the Enterprise from a parallel universe where people dress as robots.

Luckily for us there is one definitive way to work out whether ghosts and other paranormal activity are real or not, and that is to ask Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood does not believe in ghosts.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley