The gentleman’s New Year’s resolutions 2013

Hello there,

Once again the earth has completed it’s sojourn around the sun and we have survived the Mayan apocalypse, the Christmas cheer and the wild New Year’s eve party in which we didn’t get home until 2am… on the 4th.  I would like to congratulate all the readers for making 2012 such a fantastic year for gentlemanly pursuits with Scotch sales up on last year and Matthew McConaughey movies down.

The elite team we assembled to rid us of McConaughey.  Unfortunately they got side tracked in Monte Carlo.

There has been adequate time to drown the debauchery of the holiday period in a bottle of Laphroaig and it’s time to get down to business, gentlemanly business.  Now let’s put an Alka-Seltzer in that first Scotch of the morning and knuckle down to some of the gentlemanly resolutions that you should be aiming for in the new year.

1. Try to look half as good as Cary Grant.  If there is one gentleman who knew style it was Grant.  He lived and breathed style, and sometimes even ate style.  For this coming year try to get that Cary Grant look (if you’re having trouble it might help to run away from some crop dusters).

Here Grant inconspicuously tries to escape from his style. Needless to say it didn’t work.

2. Learn to pose on a boat like Errol Flynn.  If there was one thing Errol Flynn was good at other than drinking, womanising and being arrested it was looking at home on a boat.  Flynn had the sea in his veins, along with a blood alcohol level of around 0.2%, therefore he knew the casual nonchalance of sailing like the back of his hand, casually spanking the backside of a lady.

Errol didn’t know where he was, what time it was or who he was, but he sure looked in his element doing it.

3. Don’t drink too much.  Water that is.  Recent statistics made available to The Gentleman have shown that water doesn’t taste half as good as Scotch and should be consumed with extreme caution.

Voted the healthiest person of 1954, Humphrey Bogart never touched a drop of water in his life.  This was partly due to the fact that he washed with gin.

4. Play golf with a mortal enemy.  This can achieve any number of things from lulling your enemy into a false sense of security, finding out what his evil plans are or getting a hat-throwing demonstration from his Korean henchman.  Just make sure you win.

Sean Connery proves who has the bigger balls.

5. Volunteer for something.  Being gentlemen of wealth, leisure and leather driving gloves, it seems only fair that we give something back to the people.  Also being masters of industry we have many skills that could benefit the wider community, such as champagne recognition, golf etiquette or how to entertain the visiting Japanese Ambassador.

Michael Caine was always the first to put his leather gloved hand up.

6.  Have some quiet time.  With all the constant drinking, smoking and Japanese Ambassador entertaining going on it’s hard to make time for yourself.  This year, get your secretary to schedule a meeting with yourself so you can unwind over a delicious smoke and a peaty Scotch.

Busy at the office, Sean Connery phones his secretary to pencil in some much needed respite.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

A gentleman respects wood

Hello there,

The relationship between gentlemen and timber has been a long two-by-four of mutual respect.  Ever since the early cave-gentlemen were able to fell the first trees for writing desks and what-have-you, there has been a certain respect given to all wood and hard fibrous materials.

Larry David is at a loss as to why someone wouldn’t respect wood.

Wood is an invaluable resource for a gentleman.  After being tenderly chopped down it is then fashioned into things such as writing desks, humidors and different sized humidors.

Sean Connery goes into a trance like state while selecting the perfect tree for a chair.

In many ways wood is just like a gentlemen, rigid, well mannered and in the case of a barrel, sometimes full of Scotch.  In this way the respect that a gentleman has for wood is that of a brother or golfing partner.

Bogart was very protective of his wood.

Now you might think that chopping down a tree might be seem slightly disrespectful but I can assure you that it isn’t, not when the wood from said tree would be cared for and maintained by a gentleman.

Hemingway was very protective of his  desk. Moments after this picture was taken this cat became briefly airborne (note that Hemingway makes sure not to mark the desk with the wine bottle).

The respect that a gentleman has for wood can also be used as a litmus test for weeding out gentlemen impostors.  Simply see if the person in question uses a coaster when he puts his glass or goblet on your table.  However there are more obvious examples of not respecting wood.

Errol Flynn is quick to work out that the thrower of the pictured spear has neither respect for wood nor basic table etiquette.

The other positive about wood is that it is natural.  Just like the tobacco in ones pipe, the leather of ones shoes or the various cat parts in ones racket, wood is a living, organic substance all the way from sapling to pencil.

Cary Grant monitors the growth of his Christmas tree as it will soon be turned into his next seasons golf tees.

There is just one problem when it comes to respecting wood and that is what does one do when the host (who assumedly doesn’t respect wood) has not provided you with a coaster for your chalice?

David Niven fixed this problem by simply never putting his drink down.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The Gentleman’s Escape

Hello there,

A gentleman will often find himself in a situation required a cunning and discrete escape. These frequently include finding yourself in a prisoner of war camp, stuck in a snowed in train carriage somewhere between Paris and Istanbul (you also may be accused of murder in this situation), or captured by Nazis. In these situations (or any more mundane you may encounter) you will want to employ the gentlemanly craft of escape.

Or you could just write to this guy.

There are three main methods of escape you will want to have at your disposal. Once you master these, you will never have to endure a scotch-less soiree again.

Seduction

One thing a gentleman already has at his disposal is the ancient art of seduction. The ancient art of seduction was invented in the 1960s by William Shatner. Since then, many fine gentleman have gone on to escape their female captors using this method.

But not before your captor makes you a delicious breakfast.

Once you have won the affection of your captor, you can ask them to buy you some printing paper that doesn’t smear and make your escape. The seduction process will also allow you to learn a lot about your captor, which will stand you in good stead for future escapes.

Like finding out she talks in her shleep.

Sometimes, though, seduction will simply be off the cards. This may be because they have a steely resolve to keep you there, or they may simply have a gross deformity. Either way, in these situations, you may need to employ a different approach.

The tunnel

One of the most difficult escape methods to execute effectively. The tunnel often takes years of preparation and may require help from fellow captives.

On a completely unrelated note, Steve McQueen helps Richard Attenborough audition for the gopher in Caddyshack.

The tunnel is most frequently used when escaping prisons and POW camps.

Clint Eastwood puts the finishing touches on his model brick wall in a rare break from planning his tunnel escape.

Tunnel escapes are very large and intricate undertakings and can frequently go awry. Consequently, you will want to have a contingency plan if everything doesn’t go how you intended.

Steve McQueen would give his captors a picture of him riding a motorcycle over barbed wire to distract them as he made his getaway.

Of course, the tunnel escape is a highly specialised manoeuvre. There are many situations that don’t require such an undertaking.

The challenge

Challenging your captor to a challenge of wits or strength is a gentleman’s favourite method of escape. A gentleman, as we all know, is a master of many games and sports. All you need to do here is play on the proud and stubborn nature of your captor in offering a challenge to them. The stakes will be high (failure on your part will mean either death or becoming your captor’s personal butler), so be careful not to lose your nerve.

Michael Caine asserts that they cannot beat the Germans at soccer unless Stallone gets a shirt with a collar and takes up smoking.

In the event that you find yourself in a situation where victory is out of the question, you will want to draw the game out as long as possible.

Antonius Block challenges Death to a game of scissors, paper, rock for his life.

If all goes well in this challenge you will be free and have ridiculed your captor in the process. And you may also end up with a new double bass player in your futuristic rock band.

Until next time,
HL Griffith