The Gentleman’s Escape

Hello there,

A gentleman will often find himself in a situation required a cunning and discrete escape. These frequently include finding yourself in a prisoner of war camp, stuck in a snowed in train carriage somewhere between Paris and Istanbul (you also may be accused of murder in this situation), or captured by Nazis. In these situations (or any more mundane you may encounter) you will want to employ the gentlemanly craft of escape.

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Or you could just write to this guy.

There are three main methods of escape you will want to have at your disposal. Once you master these, you will never have to endure a scotch-less soiree again.

Seduction

One thing a gentleman already has at his disposal is the ancient art of seduction. The ancient art of seduction was invented in the 1960s by William Shatner. Since then, many fine gentleman have gone on to escape their female captors using this method.

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But not before your captor makes you a delicious breakfast.

Once you have won the affection of your captor, you can ask them to buy you some printing paper that doesn’t smear and make your escape. The seduction process will also allow you to learn a lot about your captor, which will stand you in good stead for future escapes.

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Like finding out she talks in her shleep.

Sometimes, though, seduction will simply be off the cards. This may be because they have a steely resolve to keep you there, or they may simply have a gross deformity. Either way, in these situations, you may need to employ a different approach.

The tunnel

One of the most difficult escape methods to execute effectively. The tunnel often takes years of preparation and may require help from fellow captives.

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On a completely unrelated note, Steve McQueen helps Richard Attenborough audition for the gopher in Caddyshack.

The tunnel is most frequently used when escaping prisons and POW camps.

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Clint Eastwood puts the finishing touches on his model brick wall in a rare break from planning his tunnel escape.

Tunnel escapes are very large and intricate undertakings and can frequently go awry. Consequently, you will want to have a contingency plan if everything doesn’t go how you intended.

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Steve McQueen would give his captors a picture of him riding a motorcycle over barbed wire to distract them as he made his getaway.

Of course, the tunnel escape is a highly specialised manoeuvre. There are many situations that don’t require such an undertaking.

The challenge

Challenging your captor to a challenge of wits or strength is a gentleman’s favourite method of escape. A gentleman, as we all know, is a master of many games and sports. All you need to do here is play on the proud and stubborn nature of your captor in offering a challenge to them. The stakes will be high (failure on your part will mean either death or becoming your captor’s personal butler), so be careful not to lose your nerve.

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Michael Caine asserts that they cannot beat the Germans at soccer unless Stallone gets a shirt with a collar and takes up smoking.

In the event that you find yourself in a situation where victory is out of the question, you will want to draw the game out as long as possible.

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Antonius Block challenges Death to a game of scissors, paper, rock for his life.

If all goes well in this challenge you will be free and have ridiculed your captor in the process. And you may also end up with a new double bass player in your futuristic rock band.

Until next time,
HL Griffith

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