Fighting Nazis Part 1: Infiltration

Hello there,

As you no doubt know, the natural enemy of the gentleman is of course the Nazi.  Gentlemen and Nazis have been locked in armed conflict ever since Nazis came into being, but luckily for us, gentlemen have been winning the battle.

Harrison Ford knew one or two things about fighting Nazis. However Ford needs to learn to steal uniforms of higher rank.

The main weapon that we have against Nazis is that it’s very easy to infiltrate their ranks, all you need to do is  knock a Nazi unconscious and steal his uniform (make sure you measure the Nazi up first, you want a uniform that fits).  This method is flawless and has never not worked in the battle against Nazis.

Kirk, Spock and Bones procure themselves an ensemble of Nazi uniforms. Also proof that Nazis will unfortunately exist in the distant future.

The problem that usually foils the undercover gentleman is his inability to speak German.  This isn’t a problem if you can keep your mouth shut.  However if you can’t then unfortunately there are many situations where “Gott im Himmel”, “Gesundheit” or “Neunundneunzig luftballons”
will only get you so far.

Michael Fassbender infiltrates a Nazi bar. He doesn't know any German so he just flirts with this lady by choosing a seductive gaze.

At any one point in time at least one tenth of the German army was made up of gentlemen who had infiltrated the ranks by stealing uniforms.  It even got to the point when the German army would take a break at 11 o’clock for tea.

Michael Caine turns his back on these suspicious Nazis after suggesting a game of cricket. He quickly quashed their suspicions by eating a strudel. Close one Michael.

There are a few ways that Nazis have learnt to weed out the gentlemen who have infiltrated their ranks.  The first test is to speak to possible suspects in the Queen’s English and see if the gentlemen accidentally reply in kind with perfect diction and manners.  Luckily there is a fool proof method to counteract this, simply shoot the Nazi.

Marlon Brando threateningly puts his hand near his gun as a Nazi approaches him. However he wasn't out of trouble yet.

The other problem that gives gentlemen in disguise away is that they tend to have the most immaculately maintained and well fitted Nazi uniforms, much more so than the actual Nazis.  This is because no matter how much a gentleman tries to emulate the Nazi scum, he cannot give up his love of sartorial splendour.  Therefore Brando (above) had to high tail it after the other Nazis saw his freshly laundered uniform.

Gregory Peck and David Niven had such immaculate uniforms that they were discovered instantly. Luckily for them they were the stars of this film and therefore had a favourable outcome in the script.

Now that you gentlemen know these tips on how to infiltrate the Nazis and evade capture, you can continue defending the world from fascism, prejudice and an unhealthy devotion to finding religious relics.

Harrison Ford learnt from his mistakes and stole a uniform that outranked Hitler himself. Here we see Ford order Hitler to do his homework for him. Unfortunately it was all wrong and in German.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

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