Fighting Nazis Part 2: Being Captured
To continue our informative guide on fighting Nazis we shall begin on lesson two, being captured. Now you may think that this is an odd lesson to learn but it is inevitable that you will be captured by Nazis at least once. In fact when fighting any ungentlemanly foe you will no doubt get captured and therefore this information is vital.
Once you have completed Part 1 of fighting Nazis and have been captured by the Nazis you will most likely be put into a cell of some sort. Nazis didn’t invent cells but they did know how to put people in them, usually through the door (sometimes by a secret chute).
There are different levels of capture that the forces of evil (I include any ungentlemanly opponents here except Matthew McConaughey, he’s in a league of his own) can subject you to. If you are wearing a tuxedo at the time of your capture you will probably be locked up in a five star room with a full wardrobe and then be subject to dinner with your nemesis. This may sound all well and good but the cosier the cell the more ingenious the way you will be killed.
If you are captured in gentlemanly casual attire such as chinos and a blazer you can still expect to have an elaborate death. These can range from being blown apart by jet engines to being eaten by exotic animals.
If you are captured in military fatigues then you will ultimately become a prisoner of war. Although this law isn’t always abided by, the Nazis should allow you to take two things into the cell with you. If you take Steve McQueen’s advice, and you should since he is a gentleman, those items should be a baseball mitt and ball.
The final dress code that a gentleman can be found in (and usually is) is a Nazi uniform, since we generally get captured while infiltrating. In these circumstances the Nazis will do any number of things but usually it involves taking your top off and oiling you up.
However if your opponents aren’t Nazis be prepared to be either drugged with dark magic or made to play Russian Roulette with Christopher Walken.
The main purpose of being captured (apart from the elaborate deaths) is to try to evoke some ungentlemanly behaviour. This is the most insidious part of being captured. However you won’t have to worry too much about that since as gentlemen we are unwavering and unyielding to any form of torture.
However don’t be dismayed by all this talk of capture, torture and death because just as surely as you will be captured, you will also be freed or escape via jet pack. “How does one do this” you ask? Well you will have to make sure you don’t get captured before Part 3 of Fighting Nazis comes out.
So there you have it.