Fighting Nazis Part 2: Being Captured

Hello there,

To continue our informative guide on fighting Nazis we shall begin on lesson two, being captured.  Now you may think that this is an odd lesson to learn but it is inevitable that you will be captured by Nazis at least once.  In fact when fighting any ungentlemanly foe you will no doubt get captured and therefore this information is vital.

Clint Eastwood fails a Nazi test to pose stupidly for this photo. He was captured immediately after this picture.

Once you have completed Part 1 of fighting Nazis and have been captured by the Nazis you will most likely be put into a cell of some sort.  Nazis didn’t invent cells but they did know how to put people in them, usually through the door (sometimes by a secret chute).

Roger Moore in one of the more luxurious cells that a gentleman can find himself in. Here he loses a game of Rock, Gun, Dom Perignon.

There are different levels of capture that the forces of evil (I include any ungentlemanly opponents here except Matthew McConaughey, he’s in a league of his own) can subject you to.  If you are wearing a tuxedo at the time of your capture you will probably be locked up in a five star room with a full wardrobe and then be subject to dinner with your nemesis.  This may sound all well and good but the cosier the cell the more ingenious the way you will be killed.

Sean Connery is about to be played like a record by this gigantic needle. Although he escaped our top scientists have surmised that he would have played a cover of the James Bond Theme with bagpipes.

If you are captured in gentlemanly casual attire such as chinos and a blazer you can still expect to have an elaborate death.  These can range from being blown apart by jet engines to being eaten by exotic animals.

Roger Moore wrestles with an anaconda in his spare time before being fed to some exotic animal.

If you are captured in military fatigues then you will ultimately become a prisoner of war.  Although this law isn’t always abided by, the Nazis should allow you to take two things into the cell with you.  If you take Steve McQueen’s advice, and you should since he is a gentleman, those items should be a baseball mitt and ball.

Steve McQueen slowly erodes the wall of his cell by bouncing a baseball against it. The Nazis never saw it coming (although they didn't understand the intricacies of baseball).

The final dress code that a gentleman can be found in (and usually is) is a Nazi uniform, since we generally get captured while infiltrating.  In these circumstances the Nazis will do any number of things but usually it involves taking your top off and oiling you up.

Nemoy and Shatner after being caught infiltrating the Nazis. Shatner foresaw this and brought his own oil. Logical.

However if your opponents aren’t Nazis be prepared to be either drugged with dark magic or made to play Russian Roulette with Christopher Walken.

Harrison Ford chokes on a low grade Scotch blend (probably Johnny Walker Red) before being hypnotised by Thuggee priests. In these circumstances make sure to have child sidekick of Asian descent.

The main purpose of being captured (apart from the elaborate deaths) is to try to evoke some ungentlemanly behaviour.  This is the most insidious part of being captured.  However you won’t have to worry too much about that since as gentlemen we are unwavering and unyielding to any form of torture.

Although they didn't allow Michael Caine to shower, shave or wear a tie he was still a gentleman, they couldn't take that away from him (also the way he wore his hat and sipped his tea).

However don’t be dismayed by all this talk of capture, torture and death because just as surely as you will be captured, you will also be freed or escape via jet pack.  “How does one do this” you ask?  Well you will have to make sure you don’t get captured before Part 3 of Fighting Nazis comes out.

Sorry Cary, you'll just have to wait until Part 3 is published to escape your bonds.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley