The gentleman’s locomotive

Good day,

Some people may tell you that a gentleman never takes public transport. This is grossly untrue, and the person saying this may be suffering the cognitive effects of syphilis. You may want to direct them to their GP. A much more likely explanation, though, is that they have not read this article. Which makes sense, because it has only just been published. Today’s article concerns the grandest means of all transportation, the locomotive.

A locomotive. Later reengineered as a time-traveling locomotive in Hill Valley, 1885.

A gentleman prefers no other form of transportation to the locomotive. The scenery, convenience, dining car, colourful characters and ample supply of Scotch at the bar means that a gentleman spends many hours of his life on the railway.

The Beatles, about to board a locomotive. Ringo, short on cash at the time, had to steal a ticket to ride from one of Paul's lady friends. Paul was not amused.

A gentleman spends the majority of his time in the dining carriage, getting himself a drink and lighting up a cigar.

Federal laws prohibited smoking on this carriage, but Cary Grant was already a wanted man by now. And true gentlemen flout federal law if it entails lighting a lady's cigarette.

Riding the train, though, can sometimes be accompanied by long waits for connections at stations. This is why the first thing you pack should be your travel humidor, a few litres of Scotch and some good paperbacks. We suggest reading The Great Railway Bizarre by Paul Theroux to get you in the mood.

Sinatra sitting on his travel humidor. You should see his regular humidor.

But once the train arrives, it is quite literally full-steam ahead.

Sean Connery and his lady friend decide to catch the train to a dress-up party.

Once you’re on the train, you may decide to have a scotch or a smoke or take gentlemanly nap.

Or remove your top hat, shave your beard off and light up a pipe.

One must also keep in mind that locomotives are a prime place for murders to take place. That is why trains are often equipped with Holmes or Poirot.

Sherlock solves the case of the 9 letter word on the back of Watson's paper.

Keep in mind that if you are traveling internationally, some countries have limits on importing tobacco and alcohol. This means you should try and consume as much of your Scotch and cigars before your journey ends.

Sinatra at Customs proving that he did in fact consume four gallons of Scotch and smoke two boxes of cigars during a 90 minute train trip.

So when you are faced with the decision of how to make your way between continents, countries, cities or just suburbs, a gentleman cannot go past the locomotive.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

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