The astronautical gentleman

Good day,

If the gentleman hates anything more than Nazis, it’s Communists. In fact, the only thing gentlemen hate more than Communists is Nazis. And the only thing gentlemen hate more than Nazis is Matthew McConaughey. In fact, there is good evidence that Matthew McConaughey is both a Nazi and a Communist. Typical.

You can tell he's a Nazi because of his bleached hair, and you can tell he's also a Communist by his belief in the sociopolitical Marxist idealogy.

Many great gentlemen have spent their lives fighting both Nazis and Communists. Think of Winston Churchill, JFK and Sean Connery. A major victory for the gentlemen over Communism was achieved in winning the ‘space race’. The space race was a race to space, also known as the Moon. JFK set the race in motion on May 25, 1960 when he said he was going to fly himself the Moon in a ship he had fashioned out of old penny loafers. Upon advice, he decided it would be better to send someone more qualified and less sexually-active than himself and in a shuttle built by experts.

JFK on the set of the Twilight Zone to do some research on building a better rocket.

His intention to send a gentleman into space spawned a whole new class of gentleman: the space-going gentleman. Certainly the grandest of them all is Alan Shepard, who was the first man to golf on the moon.

Alan Shepard, because he was so good at golf and due to the Moon's weaker gravitational field, is about to circumnavigate the moon with this drive and get it in the hole marked by the flag behind him.

Not far behind Alan Shepard is Neil Armstrong, whose pioneering spirit and immense bravery are only slightly behind ‘playing golf wherever and whenever you can’ on the gentleman’s hierarchy of values.

Neil Armstrong in a suit to protect him from Communists. Communists hate nothing more than 'bourgeoisie' (i.e. non-beige) clothing.

There have been 12 men who have walked on the moon, but also many whose Communist-fighting efforts never quite landed them there. Jim Lovell, Michael Collins and Tom Hanks are just a few of those who got close but never made it. Some people will tell you Apollo 13 was just a film directed by Ron Howard. We call those people crazy conspiracy theorists.

Jim Lovell bought the Zapruder camera to film the Moon as a tribute to JFK. Unfortunately he never made it, so he just kept a video blog instead.

Even an Australian gentleman has made it into space to duel Communists. That man is Andy Thomas. He was the first to show that a gentleman can smoke a cigar in a vacuum.

Andy Thomas, just before the four-month intensive course on how to make your head not explode in space by putting your helmet on.

There were also many other gentlemen involved in putting a gentleman on the Moon and busting Communists in the process. Again, Australian gentlemen played a major role at the Parkes Observatory.

Some learned gentleman simultaneously intercept Communist intelligence and guide Apollo 11 to the Moon using state-of-the-art equipment.

There are two important messages to get from this. They are that Communists should be beaten at all races (and contests in general) they partake in, and also that some of the finest gentlemen are those who have taken gentlemanly activities such as golfing, smoking and gathering Moon rocks to other worlds.

Frank Sinatra and Count Basie begged to go the moon because they wanted to play among the stars. They also wanted to see what Spring was like on Venus and Mars. Unfortunately, they were grossly underqualified and hence did not go.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

Advertisements