The Winter Gentleman

Hello there,

For those of us in the antipodean hemisphere, it has become all too apparent that winter is upon us. Here I will outline the five most important items a gentleman must have to survive the colder months.

Scarf

A gentleman should have a trusty scarf. This has the dual purpose of both keeping your neck warm and also as a makeshift weapon if your arch-nemesis attacks you while you’re strolling along a cliff edge.

No one would dare attack Sean Connery now that he's armed with both a scarf and his hard-cover autobiography.

You can also use your scarf to polish your spectacles, monocle, pipe, brogues or camera lens.

Paul Newman, just after using his scarf to polish his camera-shaped pipe.

Umbrella

A gentleman should always be prepared for rain (and the requisite associated musical number). Both involve an umbrella.

Gene Kelly was over the moon when I taught him the proper way to use an umbrella. If you're wondering who he is in this photo, I've written his name in cursive next to him.

For more information on umbrellas, please check out The Gentleman’s Umbrella. You may even think of employing a wood-smith to install a compartment into the handle to conceal an emergency supply of scotch. Which brings me to my next point.

Hip Flask

If your stage-coach gets held up and cannot take you home from the theater one evening, what are you going to do? You will be as bored as a guy in a Swiss patent office if you wait for a new coach. You may have to venture home on foot or take some form of public transport. To keep you company, you should have a dram of your favourite single-malt on hand. With only emergency amounts concealed in your umbrella handle, you should also have a hip flask.

Sammy Davis Jnr. about to take a swig from his microphone-shaped hip flask. He is also singing to the crowd with a cigarette-shaped microphone.

Make sure you top your hip flask up as soon as you return home, as to never be caught dry.

Warm Coat

Of course you need a coat. You knew that. In fact you probably already have one. But there are some specifications that you need to make sure are built in. Your coat should be mostly (preferably entirely) wool and have inside breast pockets. This is where you keep your third backup scotch (after your hip flask and umbrella), important letters, envelopes, jade-figurines (for bartering with international ancient artifact merchants) and a hand-gun (for when you get on the merchant’s bad side and need to save an attractive lady, which is inevitable. This often involves traveling to the subcontinent).

Michael J. Fox is handed a letter (straight from a typical 1950s gentleman's breast pocket). Too bad Fox didn't have an umbrella, scarf or a hip flask.

Well-stocked humidor

It is a direct bi-product of winter that more scotch is consumed. Its warming qualities and (presumable) abundance in your place of residence make it perfect for the winter gentleman. Of course, a direct bi-product of drinking scotch is smoking cigars. This means that your humidor needs to be topped up immediately to see you through the cold.

This is not just a picture of a cigar and a glass of scotch. It is also a rigourous mathematical formula. And I should know, I studied the mathematics of gentleman at Oxford in the '40s.

I studied the mathematics of gentleman under the tutelage of M.S. Birch at Oxford and came up with this equality as part of my doctorate.

M.S. Birch, seen here in one of the only known photos of him, was one of the hardest working professors at Oxford. He died of a combination of liver failure and lung cancer.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

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