A gentleman knows his way around a kitchen

Hello there,

It has occurred to me whilst perusing the current television listings that there is a strong push for people to be able to do all manner of things in the kitchen. This is both unnecessary and time-consuming since no one should actually know how to etouffe a meal or know when to use veloute. However this does not mean a gentleman shouldn’t know his way around a kitchen.

Clint Eastwood used to surround himself with utensils and cooking devices while he peeled his soon-to-be dinner. It was to intimidate the food.

Like all other animals, gentlemen must also eat and therefore must known how to cook (preferably one of the aforementioned animals). However he shouldn’t have to know French in order to say the dish he is creating (nor should anyone need to know French for that matter).

Jimmy Stewart goes to the fridge to gather the ingredients for tonight's steak. Notice how he refrigerates his cigarettes.

The main utensils that a gentleman will use will be a pan and a flame in which to put the pan on. Once this has been accomplished any number of things may go in the pan, ranging from bacon to lamb via beef.

Paul Newman was known for his ability to cook without the aid of trousers. Quite a talent

Once this is cooked lightly a gentleman can put the contents of the pan on a plate and voila, he has just cooked a meal. Once this base level of culinary expertise has been perfected, a gentleman may enter the next level.

Frank Sinatra employs his gigantic kitchen to make a simple sandwich. In hindsight Sinatra ponders whether he may have gone overboard.

This level includes pasta dishes, curries, stir-fries and stews. They are all just variations on a theme whereby you cook the meat as per level one, then add something else to make it look fancy (sauce, rice, pasta and other non meat products).

Dean Martin and John Wayne move to the next level with this pasta dish. The dish ended up being ruined and they ordered take-away, but at least they tried.

Don’t worry about spoiling the non-meat foodstuffs in your meal since they are most likely rubbish anyway.

Shatner and Nemoy consume a dish they prepared on the Starship Enterprise. However the kitchen was a prop and their dish was hideously undercooked.

After the meal is created, simply pour yourself a healthy Scotch and consume.  So remember, you don’t need to be a foul-mouthed Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen, just a plain old gentleman.  Being a masterchef doesn’t always impress the fairer sex.

Errol Flynn goes overboard with this feast. Marian is not impressed, he should have stuck to a simple pasta. If you look closely he even put chilis in the fruit bowls, a fatal error (especially if you allergic to chilis)

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley