The Gentleman’s conspiracy theories: volume 1

Hello there,

Being the gentlemen that we are, we know a thing or two about conspiracy theories.  Mostly because we are the architects behind them, being in places of high authority and influence.  Therefore I thought it only fair that I let you in on the truth about some of the biggest coverups in gentlemanly history.

Paul is Dead

The first theory is that Paul McCartney died in 1966 in a an automobile accident and was replaced by a lookalike so that The Beatles could keep on making money…or albums.

The 'real' Paul McCartney was one of the more dapper members of The Beatles before the 'accident'.

This is hideously incorrect.  The real Paul McCartney isn’t dead, however he did have to leave The Beatles after an horrific cow attack.  The replacement was a porn star and part time country and western singer by the name of Leroy ‘Spanky’ Johnson, who had to be vigorously gentlemanlified by Griffith and myself to make him a respectable replacement for the real McCartney who moved to Spain.

The horrific cow attack that left the real Paul McCartney without hands.

Leroy "Spanky" Johnson before Griffith and I sculpted him into a gentleman. It look a lot of work as you can see.

The Moon Landing

This picture is so full of conspiracy that I don't know where to start.

The Moon Landing has been claimed by many “conspiracy theorists” to have been a fake that was filmed in Hollywood.  This is incorrect.  It was actually Bollywood.

A Bollywood film that has the original landing site of Apollo 11 in the background. Notice the man on the left's yellow outfit, that's a conspiracy in itself.

Due to the fact that Griffith and I possessed vast tracks of land in India at the time, we offered up one of the more barren areas to NASA to do as they pleased.

A rare cell from the original Apollo 11 landing film. Unfortunately this dance sequence was later cut due to the fact that NASA realised there weren't Bollywood dance sequences on the moon. They did their research.

Abraham Lincoln’s Assasination

Lincoln was never content being the tallest man in the room. He also needed to have the tallest hat. The 13th Amendment states than no man shall have a hat taller than Lincoln's.

Although this was before my time, my father, L.Q. Brixley did however help manufacture this one.   Lincoln had always hated the theatre and as a ploy to get out of having to watch all of Our American Cousin (which was a god awful play) he asked an adviser to get him out by “any means possible”.

A depiction of Lincoln's assassination. Notice the look of freedom captured in his eyes. Also notice that it was actually an exploding cigar that Booth shot Lincoln with.

This advisor wasn’t the brightest of sparks and hired John Wilkes Booth to fire an exploding cigar at the President so that the play would be forced to finish.  This worked fine until Lincoln saw his chance at freedom from presidency and absconded with a bar maid.

The Lincoln monument in Washington D.C. faces South America as a homage.

My father had to smooth out the whole thing and even managed to track down Lincoln who had gone to South America and was living the good life.  Lincoln stayed there until he died at the ripe old age of 100.  In his last year alive he met with Adolf Hitler who had also made it to South America in 1947.  Lincoln challenged him to a dual and won.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley