The Gentleman’s conspiracy theories: volume 1
Being the gentlemen that we are, we know a thing or two about conspiracy theories. Mostly because we are the architects behind them, being in places of high authority and influence. Therefore I thought it only fair that I let you in on the truth about some of the biggest coverups in gentlemanly history.
Paul is Dead
The first theory is that Paul McCartney died in 1966 in a an automobile accident and was replaced by a lookalike so that The Beatles could keep on making money…or albums.
This is hideously incorrect. The real Paul McCartney isn’t dead, however he did have to leave The Beatles after an horrific cow attack. The replacement was a porn star and part time country and western singer by the name of Leroy ‘Spanky’ Johnson, who had to be vigorously gentlemanlified by Griffith and myself to make him a respectable replacement for the real McCartney who moved to Spain.
The Moon Landing
The Moon Landing has been claimed by many “conspiracy theorists” to have been a fake that was filmed in Hollywood. This is incorrect. It was actually Bollywood.
Due to the fact that Griffith and I possessed vast tracks of land in India at the time, we offered up one of the more barren areas to NASA to do as they pleased.
Abraham Lincoln’s Assasination
Although this was before my time, my father, L.Q. Brixley did however help manufacture this one. Lincoln had always hated the theatre and as a ploy to get out of having to watch all of Our American Cousin (which was a god awful play) he asked an adviser to get him out by “any means possible”.
This advisor wasn’t the brightest of sparks and hired John Wilkes Booth to fire an exploding cigar at the President so that the play would be forced to finish. This worked fine until Lincoln saw his chance at freedom from presidency and absconded with a bar maid.
My father had to smooth out the whole thing and even managed to track down Lincoln who had gone to South America and was living the good life. Lincoln stayed there until he died at the ripe old age of 100. In his last year alive he met with Adolf Hitler who had also made it to South America in 1947. Lincoln challenged him to a dual and won.
So there you have it.