The university gentleman

Hello all,

It takes many years for a man to become a gentleman. There are subtleties in courtesy, table etiquette, social norms and in many other gentlemanly attributes that the gentleman must perfect before becoming the perfect gentleman. There are various breeding grounds for the gentleman. For one, you could attend The Griffith and Brixley College for Gentleman (TGBCG). Summer classes will be commencing shortly.

Of course, TGBCG is a prestigious institution and spots are hotly contested. So today I will be talking about another place where gentleman are born (not literally) – universities. Walk around a university today and you will no doubt see many ungentlemanly beings. But look closer and you will see many future gentleman (or, in the case of well established professors and anyone with tenure, current gentleman). You can identify them by their impeccable posture, tweed jackets and the perfume of cigar smoke mixed with brylcreem.

Einstein commissioned this new university to be built, but had to fire the builders after they confused feet with inches (resulting in it being too small by a factor of fifteen thousand)

A gentleman must have an unquenchable thirst.  An unquenchable thirst for knowledge (and scotch). This is because knowledge and scotch are very similar. Firstly, one bottle is never enough. Secondly, you can attain it from thick text books (if you can’t get scotch from your books, then you’re buying the wrong books). Thirdly, even if you’ve been drinking it all day, you can’t seem to stop.

I myself am currently reading four books simultaneously – Cary Grant’s Official Biography, The Fundamentals of Modern Cosmology, Cary Grant’s Unofficial Biography, and another book that just has a bottle of scotch hidden within.

Sean Connery, with a bottle of scotch wrapped in his degree, is ready for a celebratory drink.

Many gentleman, therefore, prefer to spend most of their lives in and around universities. There is also something about the solid stone architecture, rich mahogany desks, bankers lamps and rolling lawns that attracts the gentleman.

Harrison Ford sports a three-piece, bowtie and non-prescription glasses when he lectures in archaeology. He also frequently looks off into the distance, concerned.

There are other attractions of university for the gentleman. Other than the fact that no man’s reading room is complete without a framed degree, sporting life at universities is also gentleman-friendly. Tennis, cricket and polo are all not only extremely gentlemanly past-times, but brought about many other gentlemanly inventions.

The button down collar was invented by Ivy League universities so that a gentleman’s collar would not blow in his face during a game of polo. Rene Lacoste also invented the polo shirt for playing tennis in. Lacoste never attended university, but has an honourary graduate of The Griffith and Brixley College for Gentleman.

The Oxford Tennis team, just before they lost in straight sets to the 1942 graduating class of The Griffith and Brixley College for Gentleman. They were also out-dressed, but only marginally.

So remember, there is nothing more gentlemanly than spending some of the formative years of your life at the gentlemanly petri dish that is university. I mean, Tom Selleck did…

Tom Selleck recieves his Bachelor's Degree in Hawaiian Detective Work.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

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