Once again the earth has completed it’s sojourn around the sun and we have survived the Mayan apocalypse, the Christmas cheer and the wild New Year’s eve party in which we didn’t get home until 2am… on the 4th.  I would like to congratulate all the readers for making 2012 such a fantastic year for gentlemanly pursuits with Scotch sales up on last year and Matthew McConaughey movies down.

The elite team we assembled to rid us of McConaughey.  Unfortunately they got side tracked in Monte Carlo.

There has been adequate time to drown the debauchery of the holiday period in a bottle of Laphroaig and it’s time to get down to business, gentlemanly business.  Now let’s put an Alka-Seltzer in that first Scotch of the morning and knuckle down to some of the gentlemanly resolutions that you should be aiming for in the new year.

1. Try to look half as good as Cary Grant.  If there is one gentleman who knew style it was Grant.  He lived and breathed style, and sometimes even ate style.  For this coming year try to get that Cary Grant look (if you’re having trouble it might help to run away from some crop dusters).

Here Grant inconspicuously tries to escape from his style. Needless to say it didn’t work.

2. Learn to pose on a boat like Errol Flynn.  If there was one thing Errol Flynn was good at other than drinking, womanising and being arrested it was looking at home on a boat.  Flynn had the sea in his veins, along with a blood alcohol level of around 0.2%, therefore he knew the casual nonchalance of sailing like the back of his hand, casually spanking the backside of a lady.

Errol didn’t know where he was, what time it was or who he was, but he sure looked in his element doing it.

3. Don’t drink too much.  Water that is.  Recent statistics made available to The Gentleman have shown that water doesn’t taste half as good as Scotch and should be consumed with extreme caution.

Voted the healthiest person of 1954, Humphrey Bogart never touched a drop of water in his life.  This was partly due to the fact that he washed with gin.

4. Play golf with a mortal enemy.  This can achieve any number of things from lulling your enemy into a false sense of security, finding out what his evil plans are or getting a hat-throwing demonstration from his Korean henchman.  Just make sure you win.

Sean Connery proves who has the bigger balls.

5. Volunteer for something.  Being gentlemen of wealth, leisure and leather driving gloves, it seems only fair that we give something back to the people.  Also being masters of industry we have many skills that could benefit the wider community, such as champagne recognition, golf etiquette or how to entertain the visiting Japanese Ambassador.

Michael Caine was always the first to put his leather gloved hand up.

6.  Have some quiet time.  With all the constant drinking, smoking and Japanese Ambassador entertaining going on it’s hard to make time for yourself.  This year, get your secretary to schedule a meeting with yourself so you can unwind over a delicious smoke and a peaty Scotch.

Busy at the office, Sean Connery phones his secretary to pencil in some much needed respite.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The relationship between gentlemen and timber has been a long two-by-four of mutual respect.  Ever since the early cave-gentlemen were able to fell the first trees for writing desks and what-have-you, there has been a certain respect given to all wood and hard fibrous materials.

Larry David is at a loss as to why someone wouldn’t respect wood.

Wood is an invaluable resource for a gentleman.  After being tenderly chopped down it is then fashioned into things such as writing desks, humidors and different sized humidors.

Sean Connery goes into a trance like state while selecting the perfect tree for a chair.

In many ways wood is just like a gentlemen, rigid, well mannered and in the case of a barrel, sometimes full of Scotch.  In this way the respect that a gentleman has for wood is that of a brother or golfing partner.

Bogart was very protective of his wood.

Now you might think that chopping down a tree might be seem slightly disrespectful but I can assure you that it isn’t, not when the wood from said tree would be cared for and maintained by a gentleman.

Hemingway was very protective of his  desk. Moments after this picture was taken this cat became briefly airborne (note that Hemingway makes sure not to mark the desk with the wine bottle).

The respect that a gentleman has for wood can also be used as a litmus test for weeding out gentlemen impostors.  Simply see if the person in question uses a coaster when he puts his glass or goblet on your table.  However there are more obvious examples of not respecting wood.

Errol Flynn is quick to work out that the thrower of the pictured spear has neither respect for wood nor basic table etiquette.

The other positive about wood is that it is natural.  Just like the tobacco in ones pipe, the leather of ones shoes or the various cat parts in ones racket, wood is a living, organic substance all the way from sapling to pencil.

Cary Grant monitors the growth of his Christmas tree as it will soon be turned into his next seasons golf tees.

There is just one problem when it comes to respecting wood and that is what does one do when the host (who assumedly doesn’t respect wood) has not provided you with a coaster for your chalice?

David Niven fixed this problem by simply never putting his drink down.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

A gentleman will often find himself in a situation required a cunning and discrete escape. These frequently include finding yourself in a prisoner of war camp, stuck in a snowed in train carriage somewhere between Paris and Istanbul (you also may be accused of murder in this situation), or captured by Nazis. In these situations (or any more mundane you may encounter) you will want to employ the gentlemanly craft of escape.

Or you could just write to this guy.

There are three main methods of escape you will want to have at your disposal. Once you master these, you will never have to endure a scotch-less soiree again.

Seduction

One thing a gentleman already has at his disposal is the ancient art of seduction. The ancient art of seduction was invented in the 1960s by William Shatner. Since then, many fine gentleman have gone on to escape their female captors using this method.

Once you have won the affection of your captor, you can ask them to buy you some printing paper that doesn’t smear and make your escape. The seduction process will also allow you to learn a lot about your captor, which will stand you in good stead for future escapes.

Sometimes, though, seduction will simply be off the cards. This may be because they have a steely resolve to keep you there, or they may simply have a gross deformity. Either way, in these situations, you may need to employ a different approach.

The tunnel

One of the most difficult escape methods to execute effectively. The tunnel often takes years of preparation and may require help from fellow captives.

The tunnel is most frequently used when escaping prisons and POW camps.

Tunnel escapes are very large and intricate undertakings and can frequently go awry. Consequently, you will want to have a contingency plan if everything doesn’t go how you intended.

Of course, the tunnel escape is a highly specialised manoeuvre. There are many situations that don’t require such an undertaking.

The challenge

Challenging your captor to a challenge of wits or strength is a gentleman’s favourite method of escape. A gentleman, as we all know, is a master of many games and sports. All you need to do here is play on the proud and stubborn nature of your captor in offering a challenge to them. The stakes will be high (failure on your part will mean either death or becoming your captor’s personal butler), so be careful not to lose your nerve.

In the event that you find yourself in a situation where victory is out of the question, you will want to draw the game out as long as possible.

If all goes well in this challenge you will be free and have ridiculed your captor in the process. And you may also end up with a new double bass player in your futuristic rock band.

Until next time,
HL Griffith

For weeks now I have been meaning to write an article on Bossa Nova.  Luckily I don’t have to.  By chance one of our crew mates aboard the HMS Humidor was ‘stranded’ in South America and has sent us correspondence of his journeys.  Therefore I shall leave you in his capable hands…

“To whomever finds this message in an empty rum bottle, sorry there is no rum.

As a member of the group that explored the South Pole to discover Shackleton’s lost Scotch collection, I had the good fortunate to pay an unexpected but much appreciated visit to Brazil. While here I have mastered the guitar on the beaches of Rio De Janeiro. In particular I have picked up the sophisticated genre of bossa nova.  There was a girl from Ipanema that loved my playing, in hindsight I should have written a song about her.

Tom Jobim and Joao Gilberto know all about playing on the beach.  Sometimes they even played their guitars.

A local chap by the name of Pele taught me how to play “futbol.”  The sport is much like a game of the same name from England except the climate is much warmer.

Pele knows how to play football and wear a suit, sometimes together.

 Post-match I enjoyed a discussion on the meaning of life and moustaches over a bottle of Cachaca with player, doctor and philosopher Socrates (not to be confused with the Greek philosopher, though he too knows a good time).

Socrates:
athletic, intellectual and purveyor of fine moustaches.

While there I also managed to start my own band and performed across the country.

Andy Williams and Antonio Carlos Jobim
opening for my show.

Unfortunately duty called and I had to return to the capital to host a soiree for a number of South American’s heads of state and the like.

Brazilian President Juscelino
Kubitschek had to be on the invite list since I was using his stationary for the invitations.

I decided some respite was in order so I called in on Antonio Carlos Jobim and enjoyed of a box of Monte Pascoal cigars together.  The cigars were delicious and really hit their mark by the third box.

Antonio Carlos Jobim would smoke a cigar until there was literally nothing left.  A technique that is now referred to as ‘pulling a Jobim’.

After a few weeks of respite with A.C. Jobim, Frank Sinatra turned up for his annual ‘Bossa Nova’ fix.  Many a tune was played and many a tuxedo was worn I can tell you.

Frank Sinatra and Antonio Carlos Jobim performing together in front of what appears to be a giant spider’s web.

Until the next time or as they say in Portuguese “Até a próxima vez”

B.N. Sheffield

There are many common misconceptions about picnicking and we here at The Gentleman thought it was as good a time as any to once and for all set the record straight.  As you well know it is now spring in the southern hemisphere, and if you haven’t headed south of the equator yet you are missing out on the prime season for picnicking.  There are only 6 months of spring each year (if you migrate) and so you should capitalise on this short period of picnic weather while it is still here.

Cary Grant and Grace Kelly missed their opportunity to picnic in spring and have to opt for a blue screen projection of spring instead.

One of the main misconceptions about a picnic is that you need a picnic rug, this is hogwash.  As you can see from the picture above, you can picnic in most forms of transport as long as they are open air.  As long as you’re outdoors and have an alcoholic beverage on hand you’re within your right to claim it be a picnic.

Sam informs a mortified Humphrey Bogart that since he is not outside, he is technically not having a picnic.

The other myth is that a picnic has to happen on land.  As long as you are within 20 furlongs of land (and not in salt water) you can classify yourself as being ‘on a picnic’.

Sean Connery demonstrates how to picnic on water whilst fishing for Dom Perignon .

This brings me to my next point, as this is a sequentially written article.  There are 4 items that must be present at any picnic to make you secure in the knowledge that you are in fact on a picnic.  These items are not concrete but all of them have an alcohol percentage of between 4-60%.

Don Draper makes sure he is definitely on a picnic by placing himself as close as he can to the magic beer chilling crate.

There are of course other parameters for having a picnic, one of which is the time of day.  You cannot have a picnic at night, however you can have a picnic that starts during the day and due to unforeseen merriment crosses over to the night.  The one thing to avoid is sleeping the night at the picnic as you have now crossed the border into what is considered ‘camping’.

Shatner, Kelley and Nemoy tread a fine line between picnicking and camping.

Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin pushed the boundaries of what is considered a picnic.  While most people stick to simple picnic games like badminton and the like, Sinatra and Martin would play golf.

Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin enjoying a picnic of 18 holes.

It is also not unheard of to have themed picnics.  This of course does not change the definition of a picnic as long as you are outdoors and a have drink in your hand.

Michael Caine at a themed picnic. Here he is seen grabbing an orange for the Old Fashioned he just mixed while receiving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

The main thing when at a picnic is to not worry about whether your poor excuse for having a glass of champagne outside, during the day, is classified as a picnic, but more to enjoy yourself.  Also remember to always clean up after yourself.

Ernst Hemingway would get rid of his picnic beer cans by kicking them into outer space.

So there you have it, and since it is the season, go forth and picnic.

G.O. Brixley

Scotch of the Antarctic.

After recovering an entire case of Shackleton’s scotch, which we found next to a Norwegian flag, we returned home. The journey took longer than expected, though, as we were simultaneously enjoying our bounty while navigating. You, dear reader, will be pleased to know that an entire half-bottle remains from the case, but we do not forecast it to survive the writing of this post.

Humphrey Bogart at the helm.

As such, we were at sea during The Gentleman Blog’s second birthday.  This date did not pass unnoticed by us, and we enjoyed a glass of scotch in celebration. But the cabin of our barque - HMS Humidor – is no place to write a Gentleman Blog post. And anyway, we used all our typewriter ribbon detailing the tasting notes of our newly acquired liquor, of which there is none left (as of the end of this sentence).

Cary Grant serves breakfast on the HMS Humidor.

Due to our inhibited navigational skills (partly because of our insistence on using 15th century navigational equipment) we happened to come across a previously uncharted isle. We spent the next few weeks trying to learn the indigenous language and customs. We were treated as kings, and treated our hosts as kings. It was quite confusing.

Even Ensign Yul Brynner was revered as some sort of Egyptian tzar after winning this staring competition.

We left many weeks later. After alerting Rand McNally to our discovery we were notified this isle was, in fact, the continent of South America – home to nigh on 400 million inhabitants.

First Mate Connery educates the natives.

On the final leg of our voyage home, however, we were confronted with another obstacle. Somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean we encountered the thing of gentlemen’s nightmares – an empty liquor cabinet.

Captain Shatner goes into shock and tries to order 10 scotches from an invisible barman.

After sending a distress SMS (Send More Scotch) signal, our minds were taken off the crisis by a Kraken attack. Unlike the previous catastrophe, for this we had a contingency plan – Kirt Douglas. Kirt Douglas can fight Kraken in his sleep.

Kirt Douglas sleep-walking.

Following all this commotion we made for home as quickly as is gentlemanly possible. Specifically, 110 chains per Scottish minute.

Midshipmen Sinatra, Kelly and Munshin were at sea so long they mistook these women for bottles of scotch.

So there you have it and until next time,

G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith

You may have noticed that we here at The Gentleman have been conspicuously aloof lately.  This is not because we do not hold our readers in the highest regard, in fact quite the opposite.  It is however, due to our busy social schedules, what with all the soirees, galas, jubilees, affairs and receptions.  For the next week, though, no foreign diplomats, dignitaries, tycoons or monarchs have requested our time. So we will both be using our free week to get back in touch with our inner gentleman.

Cary Grant gathers his thoughts via a gentlemanly pose whilst enjoying a delicious beverage.

There are of course many pastimes that a gentleman can occupy his time with by himself.  A solo round of golf can clear a gentleman’s head from all the hubbub of day-to-day life.

Clark Gable enjoys a champion’s breakfast before heading to the golf club.

You may have fallen behind on the classics so why not consult the blueprints of your mansion to find the library and reading room, blow some dust of a heavy book and stare longingly into the fire as you turn the pages.

Frank Sinatra builds up the courage to tackle his “to-read” list.

If you are up-to-date with your literary pursuits why not try your hand at refining your strategic mind by studying the chess masters or dealing a hand of solo whist.

Michael Caine mixes himself a Solo Whist.

If you’re not partial to a hand of cards then why not head to your observatory and witness the celestial motion of the heavens and beyond.

Jimmy Stewart never liked telescopes.

Once you have contemplated the mysteries of the universe why not head from your observatory to the conservatory and contemplate the mysteries of this world.

Humphrey Bogart heads to his conservatory (AKA his humidor) where the humidity is always a constant 70%, just like Havana.

If you don’t like to swelter at the same humidity of the cigar you are currently smoking then why not head to the gardens for a refreshing drink and  a three piece suit.

Sean Conney is dissatisfied with his Mint Julep.

Then main point is, when you are as constantly engaged as many gentlemen are, you must find time to get back to the basics.  Failing that, enjoy a cigar with a few good lugs of your favourite Islay Scotch and recharge your gentlemanly batteries.

Clint Eastwood makes it his business to get some “alone” time.

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O Brixley

H.L Griffith

It has been a while since I last wrote here. This is because I have been focusing on a new endeavour of mine, a detective agency. Having just closed the books on The Incident of the Mechanics Forefinger, I thought I should update you about two things. Firstly, how I figured out the murderer was Colonel Strak, and secondly (and more importantly), how the occupation of detective has long been associated with gentlemen.

I solved The Incident of the Mechanics Forefinger by using my extensive knowledge of Sherlock Holmes. I realised the case was almost identical to The Adventure of the Engineer's Thumb and immediately new Colonel Strak was the murderer.

I will introduce you to some of history’s most notable detective gentlemen, and in the process giving you the recipe to become a successful detective yourself. The first thing you’re going to need is a magnifying glass.

Once you have a magnifying glass, the next thing you'll need to do is not be Steve Martin.

You will use your magnifying glass primarily for looking for clues, but you will also need it to pose for photos and portraits.

Now, before you start bothering with things like ‘evidence’ and ‘clues’,  you must ask yourself one question: “Was Barbara Stanwyck involved?”. If she was, the murderer was probably Fred MacMurray and you can close the case (cases are rarely, if ever, anything other than murders).

Fred MacMurray dances Barbara Stanwyck into a corner.

The next thing you need is a calabash pipe. This will not only mean you can smoke while deliberating upon the mystery, but you can also strike quite a silhouette.

For the best silhouettes, try to position yourself between your observer and a source of light - a fireplace, the Sun or a window.

Another thing you should consider is referring to yourself in the third person. It will bring an air of mystery to your investigations and also confuse most of the people you question.

"Hand Poirot his monocular, he sees something suspicious in the distance" - Hercule Poirot.

Now that you should have the basics of detective work down, it’s time to set up your own agency. Before you bother registering your business, getting clients or advertising, you are going to want a sign to hang on your door saying your name followed by “P.I.” or “Detective Agency”.

Paul Newman in The Case of the Incorrect Name on His Sign.

Once you begin questioning people you will notice something. Most of the people will have some motive to murder the victim. There are two things that could happen at this point. It could turn out to be none of these people, but the person who hired you in the first place. Or it could be all of them. Either way, you are going to have to develop an excellent suspicious gaze.

If you're not entirely confident in your suspicious gaze, hold up this picture of Philo Vance.

And finally, you should name all your cases. They should all begin with either “The Case of the”, “The Adventure of” or “The Man With the”.

So now you should have the basics of one of the most gentlemanly professions known to gentleman: detective.

Bogart combines three aspects of today's post into one snapshot: smoking, a suspicious gaze and not being Steve Martin.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

The other day a fellow colleague and gentleman asked me if I believe in ghosts, I told him that it didn’t matter if I believed in them or not, they still exist.  Or do they?  Yes and no.  Yes they exist, but no they don’t.  It’s one of life’s great mysteries, like the loch ness monster or William Shatner’s hair.

The mystery continues.

However gentlemanly encounters with the paranormal date as far back as when Shakespeare wrote Hamlet with a ghostwriter or Isaac Newton’s ghost Gravity would throw apples at him.

Michael Caine is haunted by the ghosts of Statler and Waldorf. They cracked wise at him all night long.

The paranormal isn’t just reserved for ghosts, there are also supernatural powers like foresight and telepathy.  A note of caution however for gentlemen to never get themselves involved with the occult.  This should be left to late night television scams.

Sean Connery tried to see his future. Luckily for Sean, he predicted he was about to be stabbed because he used his crystal ball too much.

Indeed, it isn’t just gentlemen having encounters with spooks from beyond this spiritual realm.  In some cases it has been the gentlemen themselves who have crossed over!

The ghost of Cary Grant and his date tell Mark Hamill (out of shot) to go to the Dagobah system to learn how to be a true gentleman. Luckily for Cary Grant he was soon reincarnated as himself.

There can be many problems attributed to paranormal activity, especially if you are haunted by a gentlemanly ghost.  One might find his cigars missing and Scotch gone.  Not only is theft a problem but now you have a drunk ghost on your hands.  This has happened once or twice at Castle Brixley but it usually turns out to be Humphrey Bogart dropping by.  However if you do have problems there is only one person to telephone.

The good scientists at Ghostbusters will restore your humidor to it's original capacity. They are ready to believe you.

Not everybody believes in ghosts though.  Many a learned gentleman may have come to the logical conclusion that ghosts simply don’t exist.

Sherlock Holmes always let the facts speak for themselves. Here he examines this gentleman's nose and concludes that it is in fact, not a ghost.

There is another theory that states ghosts are not dead people coming back to smoke our cigars, but images from parallel universes crossing over into ours.  This of course is preposterous, or is it?

William Shatner heckles the bridge of the Enterprise from a parallel universe where people dress as robots.

Luckily for us there is one definitive way to work out whether ghosts and other paranormal activity are real or not, and that is to ask Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood does not believe in ghosts.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The future is an undiscovered country much like Shakespeare’s concept of ‘death’, however unlike Shakespeare’s concept of ‘death’ it contains many more blinking lights and primary coloured uniforms.  So let’s dismiss that soothsayer, put away the tarot cards and jump into our gentlemanly time machine to have a look at what the future has in store for us.

Rod Taylor prepares for time travel by playing one last game on the slot machine.

The gentlemanly future is much like the early 1960s except for the fact that women and non-white people will have a place in it.  This Utopia, made with sturdy cardboard and LED lights will be a beacon of hope for the Galaxy.

Not only do they wear primary coloured uniforms in the future, you can be sure that there are people of every race and sex on every starship. They even had extra-terrestrials onboard, such as Spock or Kirk's hair.

Now of course the future isn’t going to be all spaceships and aliens with pointed ears.  Like much of our history there will be ups and downs in the future too.  Our automated door Utopia will eventually fail after monkey’s seize the opportunity to overthrow the birds and take control of earth.

The future takes a turn for the worst when Charlton Heston has to opt for rags rather than wear orange leather. Needless to say the monkeys' fashion was their ultimate downfall.

But no matter how many post apocalyptic, monkey dominated phases our world has to go through, we gentleman will always find a way to rebuild civilisation and create robots that will one day revolt and destroy us all.

Tom Baker foolishly wore fur while he gets an awkward massage from this soon-to-be hostile animals rights robot.

The machine uprising will last a long time but we gentlemen shouldn’t fret.  As long as you can get the daily broadsheet, enough tobacco for your pipe and enough scotch for your glass we can just wait it out until the robots become neurotic and unstable.

Not so threatening now. The robots will eventually give the world back and pursue lengthy movie careers.

After the decline of the robots society will have to go through the motions again. Of course this means re-building society from the ground up, starting with agriculture, primarily of the tobacco and barley plants.

Plato II with his student, Aristotle II rebuilding the new world with the carefree attitude that come with the toga.

Our expansive computers here at The Gentlemen have computed that soon after the rebirth of civilisation there will come the expansive computers that we utilise today.

Harrison Ford presses a button on his invisible futuristic computer. Note his hairstyle, the future is indeed a strange place.

Therefore there is no need for concern when it comes to the future.  Gentlemen will always come out on top when up against robots, aliens or Woody Allen.  And no matter how many apocalypses we have to go through, we gentleman will take charge of rebuilding society, culture and distilleries the world over.

Jack Lemon predicted the future when he invested in these car doors, everyone will have them one day.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley