The gentleman’s New Year’s resolutions 2013

Hello there,

Once again the earth has completed it’s sojourn around the sun and we have survived the Mayan apocalypse, the Christmas cheer and the wild New Year’s eve party in which we didn’t get home until 2am… on the 4th.  I would like to congratulate all the readers for making 2012 such a fantastic year for gentlemanly pursuits with Scotch sales up on last year and Matthew McConaughey movies down.

The elite team we assembled to rid us of McConaughey.  Unfortunately they got side tracked in Monte Carlo.

There has been adequate time to drown the debauchery of the holiday period in a bottle of Laphroaig and it’s time to get down to business, gentlemanly business.  Now let’s put an Alka-Seltzer in that first Scotch of the morning and knuckle down to some of the gentlemanly resolutions that you should be aiming for in the new year.

1. Try to look half as good as Cary Grant.  If there is one gentleman who knew style it was Grant.  He lived and breathed style, and sometimes even ate style.  For this coming year try to get that Cary Grant look (if you’re having trouble it might help to run away from some crop dusters).

Here Grant inconspicuously tries to escape from his style. Needless to say it didn’t work.

2. Learn to pose on a boat like Errol Flynn.  If there was one thing Errol Flynn was good at other than drinking, womanising and being arrested it was looking at home on a boat.  Flynn had the sea in his veins, along with a blood alcohol level of around 0.2%, therefore he knew the casual nonchalance of sailing like the back of his hand, casually spanking the backside of a lady.

Errol didn’t know where he was, what time it was or who he was, but he sure looked in his element doing it.

3. Don’t drink too much.  Water that is.  Recent statistics made available to The Gentleman have shown that water doesn’t taste half as good as Scotch and should be consumed with extreme caution.

Voted the healthiest person of 1954, Humphrey Bogart never touched a drop of water in his life.  This was partly due to the fact that he washed with gin.

4. Play golf with a mortal enemy.  This can achieve any number of things from lulling your enemy into a false sense of security, finding out what his evil plans are or getting a hat-throwing demonstration from his Korean henchman.  Just make sure you win.

Sean Connery proves who has the bigger balls.

5. Volunteer for something.  Being gentlemen of wealth, leisure and leather driving gloves, it seems only fair that we give something back to the people.  Also being masters of industry we have many skills that could benefit the wider community, such as champagne recognition, golf etiquette or how to entertain the visiting Japanese Ambassador.

Michael Caine was always the first to put his leather gloved hand up.

6.  Have some quiet time.  With all the constant drinking, smoking and Japanese Ambassador entertaining going on it’s hard to make time for yourself.  This year, get your secretary to schedule a meeting with yourself so you can unwind over a delicious smoke and a peaty Scotch.

Busy at the office, Sean Connery phones his secretary to pencil in some much needed respite.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

A gentleman respects wood

Hello there,

The relationship between gentlemen and timber has been a long two-by-four of mutual respect.  Ever since the early cave-gentlemen were able to fell the first trees for writing desks and what-have-you, there has been a certain respect given to all wood and hard fibrous materials.

Larry David is at a loss as to why someone wouldn’t respect wood.

Wood is an invaluable resource for a gentleman.  After being tenderly chopped down it is then fashioned into things such as writing desks, humidors and different sized humidors.

Sean Connery goes into a trance like state while selecting the perfect tree for a chair.

In many ways wood is just like a gentlemen, rigid, well mannered and in the case of a barrel, sometimes full of Scotch.  In this way the respect that a gentleman has for wood is that of a brother or golfing partner.

Bogart was very protective of his wood.

Now you might think that chopping down a tree might be seem slightly disrespectful but I can assure you that it isn’t, not when the wood from said tree would be cared for and maintained by a gentleman.

Hemingway was very protective of his  desk. Moments after this picture was taken this cat became briefly airborne (note that Hemingway makes sure not to mark the desk with the wine bottle).

The respect that a gentleman has for wood can also be used as a litmus test for weeding out gentlemen impostors.  Simply see if the person in question uses a coaster when he puts his glass or goblet on your table.  However there are more obvious examples of not respecting wood.

Errol Flynn is quick to work out that the thrower of the pictured spear has neither respect for wood nor basic table etiquette.

The other positive about wood is that it is natural.  Just like the tobacco in ones pipe, the leather of ones shoes or the various cat parts in ones racket, wood is a living, organic substance all the way from sapling to pencil.

Cary Grant monitors the growth of his Christmas tree as it will soon be turned into his next seasons golf tees.

There is just one problem when it comes to respecting wood and that is what does one do when the host (who assumedly doesn’t respect wood) has not provided you with a coaster for your chalice?

David Niven fixed this problem by simply never putting his drink down.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The Gentleman’s Escape

Hello there,

A gentleman will often find himself in a situation required a cunning and discrete escape. These frequently include finding yourself in a prisoner of war camp, stuck in a snowed in train carriage somewhere between Paris and Istanbul (you also may be accused of murder in this situation), or captured by Nazis. In these situations (or any more mundane you may encounter) you will want to employ the gentlemanly craft of escape.

Or you could just write to this guy.

There are three main methods of escape you will want to have at your disposal. Once you master these, you will never have to endure a scotch-less soiree again.

Seduction

One thing a gentleman already has at his disposal is the ancient art of seduction. The ancient art of seduction was invented in the 1960s by William Shatner. Since then, many fine gentleman have gone on to escape their female captors using this method.

But not before your captor makes you a delicious breakfast.

Once you have won the affection of your captor, you can ask them to buy you some printing paper that doesn’t smear and make your escape. The seduction process will also allow you to learn a lot about your captor, which will stand you in good stead for future escapes.

Like finding out she talks in her shleep.

Sometimes, though, seduction will simply be off the cards. This may be because they have a steely resolve to keep you there, or they may simply have a gross deformity. Either way, in these situations, you may need to employ a different approach.

The tunnel

One of the most difficult escape methods to execute effectively. The tunnel often takes years of preparation and may require help from fellow captives.

On a completely unrelated note, Steve McQueen helps Richard Attenborough audition for the gopher in Caddyshack.

The tunnel is most frequently used when escaping prisons and POW camps.

Clint Eastwood puts the finishing touches on his model brick wall in a rare break from planning his tunnel escape.

Tunnel escapes are very large and intricate undertakings and can frequently go awry. Consequently, you will want to have a contingency plan if everything doesn’t go how you intended.

Steve McQueen would give his captors a picture of him riding a motorcycle over barbed wire to distract them as he made his getaway.

Of course, the tunnel escape is a highly specialised manoeuvre. There are many situations that don’t require such an undertaking.

The challenge

Challenging your captor to a challenge of wits or strength is a gentleman’s favourite method of escape. A gentleman, as we all know, is a master of many games and sports. All you need to do here is play on the proud and stubborn nature of your captor in offering a challenge to them. The stakes will be high (failure on your part will mean either death or becoming your captor’s personal butler), so be careful not to lose your nerve.

Michael Caine asserts that they cannot beat the Germans at soccer unless Stallone gets a shirt with a collar and takes up smoking.

In the event that you find yourself in a situation where victory is out of the question, you will want to draw the game out as long as possible.

Antonius Block challenges Death to a game of scissors, paper, rock for his life.

If all goes well in this challenge you will be free and have ridiculed your captor in the process. And you may also end up with a new double bass player in your futuristic rock band.

Until next time,
HL Griffith

The Gentleman and Bossa Nova

Hello there,

For weeks now I have been meaning to write an article on Bossa Nova.  Luckily I don’t have to.  By chance one of our crew mates aboard the HMS Humidor was ‘stranded’ in South America and has sent us correspondence of his journeys.  Therefore I shall leave you in his capable hands…

 

“To whomever finds this message in an empty rum bottle, sorry there is no rum.

As a member of the group that explored the South Pole to discover Shackleton’s lost Scotch collection, I had the good fortunate to pay an unexpected but much appreciated visit to Brazil. While here I have mastered the guitar on the beaches of Rio De Janeiro. In particular I have picked up the sophisticated genre of bossa nova.  There was a girl from Ipanema that loved my playing, in hindsight I should have written a song about her.

Tom Jobim and Joao Gilberto know all about playing on the beach.  Sometimes they even played their guitars.

A local chap by the name of Pele taught me how to play “futbol.”  The sport is much like a game of the same name from England except the climate is much warmer.

Pele knows how to play football and wear a suit, sometimes together.

 Post-match I enjoyed a discussion on the meaning of life and moustaches over a bottle of Cachaca with player, doctor and philosopher Socrates (not to be confused with the Greek philosopher, though he too knows a good time).

Socrates:
athletic, intellectual and purveyor of fine moustaches.

While there I also managed to start my own band and performed across the country.

Andy Williams and Antonio Carlos Jobim
opening for my show.

Unfortunately duty called and I had to return to the capital to host a soiree for a number of South American’s heads of state and the like.

Brazilian President Juscelino
Kubitschek had to be on the invite list since I was using his stationary for the invitations.

I decided some respite was in order so I called in on Antonio Carlos Jobim and enjoyed of a box of Monte Pascoal cigars together.  The cigars were delicious and really hit their mark by the third box.

Antonio Carlos Jobim would smoke a cigar until there was literally nothing left.  A technique that is now referred to as ‘pulling a Jobim’.

After a few weeks of respite with A.C. Jobim, Frank Sinatra turned up for his annual ‘Bossa Nova’ fix.  Many a tune was played and many a tuxedo was worn I can tell you.

Frank Sinatra and Antonio Carlos Jobim performing together in front of what appears to be a giant spider’s web.

Until the next time or as they say in Portuguese “Até a próxima vez”

B.N. Sheffield

The gentleman and the paranormal.

Hello there,

The other day a fellow colleague and gentleman asked me if I believe in ghosts, I told him that it didn’t matter if I believed in them or not, they still exist.  Or do they?  Yes and no.  Yes they exist, but no they don’t.  It’s one of life’s great mysteries, like the loch ness monster or William Shatner’s hair.

The mystery continues.

However gentlemanly encounters with the paranormal date as far back as when Shakespeare wrote Hamlet with a ghostwriter or Isaac Newton’s ghost Gravity would throw apples at him.

Michael Caine is haunted by the ghosts of Statler and Waldorf. They cracked wise at him all night long.

The paranormal isn’t just reserved for ghosts, there are also supernatural powers like foresight and telepathy.  A note of caution however for gentlemen to never get themselves involved with the occult.  This should be left to late night television scams.

Sean Connery tried to see his future. Luckily for Sean, he predicted he was about to be stabbed because he used his crystal ball too much.

Indeed, it isn’t just gentlemen having encounters with spooks from beyond this spiritual realm.  In some cases it has been the gentlemen themselves who have crossed over!

The ghost of Cary Grant and his date tell Mark Hamill (out of shot) to go to the Dagobah system to learn how to be a true gentleman. Luckily for Cary Grant he was soon reincarnated as himself.

There can be many problems attributed to paranormal activity, especially if you are haunted by a gentlemanly ghost.  One might find his cigars missing and Scotch gone.  Not only is theft a problem but now you have a drunk ghost on your hands.  This has happened once or twice at Castle Brixley but it usually turns out to be Humphrey Bogart dropping by.  However if you do have problems there is only one person to telephone.

The good scientists at Ghostbusters will restore your humidor to it's original capacity. They are ready to believe you.

Not everybody believes in ghosts though.  Many a learned gentleman may have come to the logical conclusion that ghosts simply don’t exist.

Sherlock Holmes always let the facts speak for themselves. Here he examines this gentleman's nose and concludes that it is in fact, not a ghost.

There is another theory that states ghosts are not dead people coming back to smoke our cigars, but images from parallel universes crossing over into ours.  This of course is preposterous, or is it?

William Shatner heckles the bridge of the Enterprise from a parallel universe where people dress as robots.

Luckily for us there is one definitive way to work out whether ghosts and other paranormal activity are real or not, and that is to ask Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood does not believe in ghosts.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

Gentlemen in the future

Hello there,

The future is an undiscovered country much like Shakespeare’s concept of ‘death’, however unlike Shakespeare’s concept of ‘death’ it contains many more blinking lights and primary coloured uniforms.  So let’s dismiss that soothsayer, put away the tarot cards and jump into our gentlemanly time machine to have a look at what the future has in store for us.

Rod Taylor prepares for time travel by playing one last game on the slot machine.

The gentlemanly future is much like the early 1960s except for the fact that women and non-white people will have a place in it.  This Utopia, made with sturdy cardboard and LED lights will be a beacon of hope for the Galaxy.

Not only do they wear primary coloured uniforms in the future, you can be sure that there are people of every race and sex on every starship. They even had extra-terrestrials onboard, such as Spock or Kirk's hair.

Now of course the future isn’t going to be all spaceships and aliens with pointed ears.  Like much of our history there will be ups and downs in the future too.  Our automated door Utopia will eventually fail after monkey’s seize the opportunity to overthrow the birds and take control of earth.

The future takes a turn for the worst when Charlton Heston has to opt for rags rather than wear orange leather. Needless to say the monkeys' fashion was their ultimate downfall.

But no matter how many post apocalyptic, monkey dominated phases our world has to go through, we gentleman will always find a way to rebuild civilisation and create robots that will one day revolt and destroy us all.

Tom Baker foolishly wore fur while he gets an awkward massage from this soon-to-be hostile animals rights robot.

The machine uprising will last a long time but we gentlemen shouldn’t fret.  As long as you can get the daily broadsheet, enough tobacco for your pipe and enough scotch for your glass we can just wait it out until the robots become neurotic and unstable.

Not so threatening now. The robots will eventually give the world back and pursue lengthy movie careers.

After the decline of the robots society will have to go through the motions again. Of course this means re-building society from the ground up, starting with agriculture, primarily of the tobacco and barley plants.

Plato II with his student, Aristotle II rebuilding the new world with the carefree attitude that come with the toga.

Our expansive computers here at The Gentlemen have computed that soon after the rebirth of civilisation there will come the expansive computers that we utilise today.

Harrison Ford presses a button on his invisible futuristic computer. Note his hairstyle, the future is indeed a strange place.

Therefore there is no need for concern when it comes to the future.  Gentlemen will always come out on top when up against robots, aliens or Woody Allen.  And no matter how many apocalypses we have to go through, we gentleman will take charge of rebuilding society, culture and distilleries the world over.

Jack Lemon predicted the future when he invested in these car doors, everyone will have them one day.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

 

The gentleman’s New Year’s resolutions 2012

Hello there,

Once again the earth has made a full rotation around the sun without being destroyed by comets, aliens or Matthew McConaughey.  As such, we here at The Gentleman would like to congratulate all our readers for making it into this New Year and not getting sucked through a wormhole style vortex into the past.

To get you back into the gentlemanly mood after the indiscretions of your recent celebrations we thought we would share our gentleman’s resolutions with you to inspire you, tempt you and to take your mind off the fact that Matthew McConaughey was not sucked through a wormhole style vortex into the past.

Your typical new year's eve celebrations.

1. Learn to act like William Shatner.  As a gentleman you should constantly be trying to add new strings to your bow, however when you’re not fixing your violin try as many new things as possible, like honing your acting skills to the level of William Shatner.

William Shatner demonstrates the emotion 'Spanish displeasure' flawlessly in his spare time.

2. Sojourn to the beach.  If your 2011 was anything like ours here at The Gentleman then you need to recharge your gentlemanly batteries from all those martini soirees and international cigar conferences by heading to a beach somewhere for some martinis and cigars.

Sean Connery takes some time off his busy schedule of filming on location in the Bahamas to go on holiday to the Bahamas.

3. Wear more tweed.  Why not?

Cary Grant wasn't the most fashionable man of all time because he didn't wear tweed. In fact it was the exact opposite.

4. Punch a Nazi.  The arch nemesis of us gentleman needs to be dealt with and what better way to do so than to knock one of them unconscious with an old one-two to the cranium.

Although it's not necessary, try punching them whilst on the back of a tank for added flair. Harrison Ford demonstrates above.

5. Get back on your bike.  You don’t want to run the mileage in your Aston Martin DB5 too high, so why not substitute your shorter trips with some fresh air on your bicycle?

Humphrey Bogart shows how to ride a bicycle with the nonchalance of a true gentleman.

6. Say yes to things.  If you want to get the most out of life, say yes to things that you usually wouldn’t.  If William Shatner hadn’t said yes to recording a spoken word album we would never have gotten his rendition of Rocket Man and that is a world I wouldn’t want to live in.

Try to emulate the positive attitude of Sean Connery.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The Gentleman’s Christmas 2011

Hello there,

As you are surely aware Christmas is upon us like a fine bespoke three-piece suit on a gentleman.  Since this is the case, we here at The Gentleman thought we would guide you through the next two days in gentlemanly style.

Jimmy Stewart answers the question "how much do you enjoy Christmas?". That much.

Tomorrow (or when you read this ‘today’ or ‘yesterday’) is Christmas Eve which generally occurs the day before Christmas (or at least it has in the past).  Since the ready gentleman has done all his Christmas shopping to within an inch of its life we recommend you stay indoors and drink eggnog whilst listening to Sinatra croon you into a Christmas daze (if you can’t get Sinatra over try one of his Christmas records).

Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra get what they wanted for Christmas. Tuxedos.

On Christmas Eve you will no doubt have a lavish dinner with your close family and friends.  Things to include are usually a Christmas ham, Scotch, Cuban cigars, Cognac, bonbons, eggnog, roast pheasant, gin and of course the traditional Christmas yak.  You may like to include some fruits or vegetables to the meal, and you might want to stew the vegetables until they ferment and then drink the remaining liquid with ice and a cocktail umbrella.

Need a holiday idea? Drink eggnog and your prayers will be answered by the Christmas Angel when he drops by for some eggnog.

Being the head of your house (or chateaux, castle or manor) you will be required to dress up as the person who puts the ‘Christ’ in Christmas, Santa Clause.  Your duties as Saint Nick will be to stir the first batch of Christmas martinis, dance the traditional Kris Kringle Charleston and recite William Shatner’s version of ‘Rocket Man’.

Make sure you work out who is dressing up as Santa in your household. You or Errol Flynn.

Before going to bed on Christmas Eve make sure you put out a cuban cigar and bottle of Scotch for you-know-who… Humphrey Bogart.  He does enjoy a nightcap.

Humphrey Bogart gets into the Christmas spirit...Scotch.

On Christmas day after you pass the empty bottle of Scotch and cigar stub Bogart left, you can head to your Christmas pine and dish out the presents to your loved ones.  During the day feel free to drink and smoke all the presents that your friends and family gave you, it would be rude not to.

Sean Connery wakes up on Christmas morning to find just what he wanted. He also got a woman coated in frankincense and one in myrrh.

After the opening of presents you can sit down to another feast but this time of traditional Christmas caribou.  After a full stomach and a full glass of scotch you can enjoy the rest of the day enjoying the company of your friends, family and Humphrey Bogart who came back for another drink.

Merry Christmas to all our readers from The Gentleman and don’t forget to vote in the poll below!

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O. Brixley

H.L. Griffith

Vote on the caption below!

Biography: Alec Baldwin

Hello there,

We continue our biographical journey into the depths of current and past gentlemen by strapping on our experimental jet pack of investigation and flying to destination Alec Baldwin via a quick Scotch at the reform club.

Alec Baldwin portraying the emotion 'suppressed surprise of a millionaire' using his acting talent.

Alec Baldwin was born Alexander Rae Baldwin III (a name that he only goes by when being announced at royal engagements) on the 3rd of April 1958, in Long Island, New York.  His father was a teacher and geneticist who cloned the young Alec to create his three younger brothers.

Alec Baldwin auditions for a children's television show. He didn't get the part after he told everybody they were fired and swore profusely.

After school the young Alec went to New York University to study acting and chest hair grooming with a minor in showroom hypnotism.

Alec Baldwin tries to hypnotise you with his magical ring for fun and profit.

Baldwin’s first role was on a daytime soap opera called The Doctors where he portrayed a character using his acting abilities.  Soon after his acting career flourished much like his chest hair and he even got to star in a movie with Sean Connery in a submarine.

Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin acting in a submarine.

Some of Alec Baldwin’s greatest roles have been Jack Donaghy, The Shadow, and Stephen Baldwin.  Apart from being an actor, Alec Baldwin has also used his gentlemanly abilities to be the first person to circumnavigate the world in a pinstriped suit.

Baldwin plans out his next adventure using an up-to-date globe and state-of-the-art measuring ribbon.

After Sean Connery retired from acting Alec Baldwin inherited the title of ‘most hirsute male actor’, a position that he had to challenge Tom Selleck for.  However Selleck, not wanting to be greedy settled for ‘best moustache’ and the two never had to dual.

Sean Connery passing the baton to Alec Baldwin at a ceremony hosted by Sean Connery's chest hair.

But Alec Baldwin isn’t just known for having a hairy chest and raw acting abilities, he also drinks Scotch and smokes copiously.  A true gentleman.

Alec Baldwin uses his hypnotic skills to try to light this cigar with his mind.

In his Autumn years Alec is still acting and using his recognisable head of hair to raise awareness about animals rights, drinking single malt Scotch and fighting crime under the guise of his fictional character, The Shadow.

Alec Baldwin raises awareness for animal rights.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The spring gentleman

Hello there,

Please pardon the brief interval between articles but after discovering that I am a descendant of Mungo Park, the great Scottish explorer, I thought it only fitting to retrace his steps through Africa.  However history repeated itself and I was set upon by natives.  Luckily I had prepared for such an attack with a scuba diving set with which I might escape my forefather’s demise (and escape I did).

Mungo Park. Voted most dapper explorer three years running.

However all this fresh air has made me realise that spring is upon us once again (in fact it wasn’t the fresh air that made me realise, it was my calendar, Geeves, who told me).  Therefore it is that lovely time of the year when we gentlemen can concentrate on our golf handicap, frequent the beach and generally enjoy the outdoors to their fullest.

JFK enjoys the turning of the seasons with his wife and midget dentist.

Spring – or the latter part of it – is the prelude to summer, however the moderate temperature means that we may be more active during the fresh spring climate before it becomes too hot to even ask Geeves for a refreshing lager to be poured into your mouth.

Errol Flynn felt that the best way to experience spring was to dress up as 14th century minstrels.

If you live in the northern hemisphere you might think I’m some jabbering lunatic who has gone mad from the heat of the summer just past.  Well I’m not.  However if I was, there would be method to my madness by which you might be able to follow the seasons by catching the next flying machine south of the equator to where the fresh spring breeze wafts through the air (how a breeze wafts through air I’ll never know).

Teddy Roosevelt didn't have any time for flying machines, instead he would sail a moose downstream to South America for spring.

Of course spring is also the time when we mourn the loss of John F. Kennedy and Cary Grant.  Every gentleman has their own way of remembering these pioneers of the modern gentleman but we here at The Gentleman feel that you should play a round of golf on November 22nd to commemorate John and dress in your best grey suit for Cary later on the 29th.

William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy enjoy their spring by reanimating their favourite president and posing for an album cover.

The main thing to do during spring is to reintroduce yourself to the outdoors and put to rest the thick coats and scarves of the recently passed winter.

Harrison Ford likes to spend the fresh spring weather by playing tag with a tribe of angry natives.

The other thing to do during spring (and we have touched on briefly here) is to have a good spring clean.  Clean up your humidor and liquor cabinet by smoking and drinking their contents respectively (don’t get that mixed up).

Sean Connery kills two birds with one stone just by staring at them. Also he is smoking and drinking.

So get up, get outdoors, light up a cigar, pour yourself a Scotch, have a picnic while golfing and repeat this process until summer.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley