The Gentleman Blog turns two… and a bit

Hello there,
As you may well have noticed, we here at The Gentleman Blog have had a brief, yet lengthy, hiatus. This has been due to our expedition to the South Pole, where we were searching for the remainder of Ernest Shackleton’s lost scotch collection.

Scotch of the Antarctic.

After recovering an entire case of Shackleton’s scotch, which we found next to a Norwegian flag, we returned home. The journey took longer than expected, though, as we were simultaneously enjoying our bounty while navigating. You, dear reader, will be pleased to know that an entire half-bottle remains from the case, but we do not forecast it to survive the writing of this post.

Humphrey Bogart at the helm.

As such, we were at sea during The Gentleman Blog’s second birthday.  This date did not pass unnoticed by us, and we enjoyed a glass of scotch in celebration. But the cabin of our barque - HMS Humidor – is no place to write a Gentleman Blog post. And anyway, we used all our typewriter ribbon detailing the tasting notes of our newly acquired liquor, of which there is none left (as of the end of this sentence).

Cary Grant serves breakfast on the HMS Humidor.

Due to our inhibited navigational skills (partly because of our insistence on using 15th century navigational equipment) we happened to come across a previously uncharted isle. We spent the next few weeks trying to learn the indigenous language and customs. We were treated as kings, and treated our hosts as kings. It was quite confusing.

Even Ensign Yul Brynner was revered as some sort of Egyptian tzar after winning this staring competition.

We left many weeks later. After alerting Rand McNally to our discovery we were notified this isle was, in fact, the continent of South America – home to nigh on 400 million inhabitants.

First Mate Connery educates the natives.

On the final leg of our voyage home, however, we were confronted with another obstacle. Somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean we encountered the thing of gentlemen’s nightmares – an empty liquor cabinet.

Captain Shatner goes into shock and tries to order 10 scotches from an invisible barman.

After sending a distress SMS (Send More Scotch) signal, our minds were taken off the crisis by a Kraken attack. Unlike the previous catastrophe, for this we had a contingency plan – Kirt Douglas. Kirt Douglas can fight Kraken in his sleep.

Kirt Douglas sleep-walking.

Following all this commotion we made for home as quickly as is gentlemanly possible. Specifically, 110 chains per Scottish minute.

Midshipmen Sinatra, Kelly and Munshin were at sea so long they mistook these women for bottles of scotch.

So there you have it and until next time,

G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith

A gentleman’s summer activities

Hello there,

For anyone living in the southern hemisphere or for all those gentlemen who will be migrating south from the cold northern winter, you may be aware that tomorrow begins three deliciously peaty summer months.  However there are many activities to pass the summer months that aren’t exclusively smoking cigars and drinking Scotch (although these are included in all the activities).

Get off your desktop and get outside during the summer months.

Riding a bicycle is a great way to get some fresh air whilst smoking a cigar.  The bicycle is a good mode of transportation for getting to a picnic, casual garden party or to do a lap of France.

The Beatles would ride from performance to performance on bicycles and just look how happy they are about it.

The bicycle is also good transportation to your friendly biweekly tennis tournament.  However if you are still recovering pulling your back after getting stuck in the bunker on the 4th, well then summer is also the perfect time to watch sport.

Clark Gable recovers from a golf injury by watching some tennis using his patented 'thousand yard stare'.

After you’ve filled your sports quota why not relax to some soothing music.  A young person told me just yesterday that they could play music off their electric typewriting machine, but I don’t see the point since I have a fully functioning record player, the vinyl to go with it and a Hollywood A-lister to select the songs.

Audrey Hepburn choose an adequate summer playlist at Castle Brixley.

Also Summer is the season to let bygones be bygones.  Why not make amends with a former friend, reconnect with people long forgotten, and challenge your arch nemesis to a shooting competition.

Sean Connery is offerend an olive branch by arch nemesis, Largo. Connery won the shooting contest, stole Largo's girl, foiled his nuclear ransom plot and killed him. I suggest if you're in Connery's black book you stay away this summer.

If you have no enemies then why not get some fresh sea air, it could be just what the doctor ordered (if your doctor is also a Sea Captain).  The beach is an opportune time to recharge your batteries with the ‘Three Ss’, sun, sea and Scotch (preferably a Laphroaig, since it is matured in barrels next to the sea for added flavour)

Cary Grant gets some fresh ocean air and some much needed sun on his face.

The main point of Summer is to relax and enjoy the nice weather to it’s fullest, with a Scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other.

When Errol Flynn wasn't filming or in jail, he was relaxing as only Errol Flynn could, after he patented it.

So there you have it, you’ll not go wanting for activities this summer.

G.O. Brixley

 

The gentleman inventor

Hello there,

After an extended hiatus – during which I solved a murder mystery on a train between Paris and Istanbul and uncovered the holy jade Xiuhcoatl in a previously unexplored Aztec temple – I return to your computing device’s screen. You may have inferred from the previous sentence that the gentleman is both resourceful and ingenious. How correct you are.

Michael Caine, the height of ingenuity, simultaneously gets his daily recommended intake of calcium while undertaking a gold heist.

Of course, at the epitome of resourcefulness and ingenuity is the gentleman inventor. Here we will look at some of the most successful gentleman inventors of recent years. First on the list is Horace Lawson Hunley.

Horace Hunley with his invention - an early type of submarine. This picture was taken years before Hunley came to realise that submarines operate optimally underwater.

Hunley invented a primitive form of the submarine in the USA during the 19th century. Hunley was killed in 1863 in a submarine accident.

Another pioneer of transportational inventation was Otto Lilienthal. Lilienthal was a pioneer of aviation and the first person to make sustained gliding flights. Lilienthal invented and exhibited his successful gliders in a time when human flight was thought of merely as a thing of witchcraft and the then-unreleased Snakes on a Plane.

Otto Lilienthal escapes a hoard of townspeople brandishing pitch forks and torches accusing him of using black magic.

Lilienthal has gone down in history as one of the forefathers of modern aviation. Otto Lilienthal was killed while flying one of his gliders in 1896.

Another inventor in the field of aviation was Franz Reichelt. This French tailor attempted to invent a suit that doubled as a parachute.

Franz Reichelt tried to make his invention both stylish and effective. He acheived neither.

Reichelt, ever the visionary, was convinced his parachute would be a revolution in aviator’s style and safety. Reichelt died in 1912 after testing the parachute by jumping off the Eiffel tower.

A man who could have used a working parachute was Aurel Vlaicu. Vlaicu was a Romanian inventory who invented a self-powered aeroplane in 1910. He was also a skilled pilot.

Vlaicu was also the first man to fly in a bowler hat.

Vlaicu was killed while flying his plane in 1913. But his legacy of bowler hats on inventors lives on…

...through this guy.

This man pictured above died in an alcohol-related traffic accident. At this point, it would be irresponsible of us not to warn you of the dangers of drinking while driving your gun-cars. Instead of making war, make yourself another Scotch. You may also like to reward yourself with a cigar.

Speaking of cars, Max Valier was an Austrian inventor who pioneered the rocket car. You and I now take rocket cars for granted, but it is all thanks to Valier’s pioneering work in the 1920s.

Valier bypassed the derivation of thermodynamics and the development of the internal combusion engine by simply putting two alcohol-fuelled rockets in place of the engine in this car.

I would at this point like to reassure you that no Scotch was wasted in the rocket car pictured above. Max Valier was killed when one of his rockets exploded in 1930.

So if you put your mind to it, you too could one day be killed by your own invention and go down in the The Gentleman’s Archives as a gentlemanly inventor.

But until then, it's time to get back to the place where you come up with your inventions.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The gentleman’s locomotive

Good day,

Some people may tell you that a gentleman never takes public transport. This is grossly untrue, and the person saying this may be suffering the cognitive effects of syphilis. You may want to direct them to their GP. A much more likely explanation, though, is that they have not read this article. Which makes sense, because it has only just been published. Today’s article concerns the grandest means of all transportation, the locomotive.

A locomotive. Later reengineered as a time-traveling locomotive in Hill Valley, 1885.

A gentleman prefers no other form of transportation to the locomotive. The scenery, convenience, dining car, colourful characters and ample supply of Scotch at the bar means that a gentleman spends many hours of his life on the railway.

The Beatles, about to board a locomotive. Ringo, short on cash at the time, had to steal a ticket to ride from one of Paul's lady friends. Paul was not amused.

A gentleman spends the majority of his time in the dining carriage, getting himself a drink and lighting up a cigar.

Federal laws prohibited smoking on this carriage, but Cary Grant was already a wanted man by now. And true gentlemen flout federal law if it entails lighting a lady's cigarette.

Riding the train, though, can sometimes be accompanied by long waits for connections at stations. This is why the first thing you pack should be your travel humidor, a few litres of Scotch and some good paperbacks. We suggest reading The Great Railway Bizarre by Paul Theroux to get you in the mood.

Sinatra sitting on his travel humidor. You should see his regular humidor.

But once the train arrives, it is quite literally full-steam ahead.

Sean Connery and his lady friend decide to catch the train to a dress-up party.

Once you’re on the train, you may decide to have a scotch or a smoke or take gentlemanly nap.

Or remove your top hat, shave your beard off and light up a pipe.

One must also keep in mind that locomotives are a prime place for murders to take place. That is why trains are often equipped with Holmes or Poirot.

Sherlock solves the case of the 9 letter word on the back of Watson's paper.

Keep in mind that if you are traveling internationally, some countries have limits on importing tobacco and alcohol. This means you should try and consume as much of your Scotch and cigars before your journey ends.

Sinatra at Customs proving that he did in fact consume four gallons of Scotch and smoke two boxes of cigars during a 90 minute train trip.

So when you are faced with the decision of how to make your way between continents, countries, cities or just suburbs, a gentleman cannot go past the locomotive.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The Gentleman in literature

Hello there,

A great source of a gentleman’s knowledge about gentlemanly activities, traits, habits and dress come from some quintessential gentlemen who never existed. These are gentlemen who can be found sitting in your library night after night (I mean this metaphorically, not literally – like the time I had to get a restraining order on Gregory Peck for persistent breaking and entering). Here, Brixley and Griffith will introduce you to some of their favourite gentlemen from the literature.

Phileas Fogg

The protagonist of Jules Verne’s Around the World in 80 Days, Phileas Fogg spent most of his days playing whist at the Reform Club. Upon a wager (from which he would not back down), he used all sorts of gentlemanly travel to circumnavigate the globe.

A somewhat grainy photograph of Phileas Fogg. Shortly after this was taken, Fogg angrily returned his new top-hat because it had been manufactured upside-down.

He also made sure to travel through some of the gentleman’s favourite destinations, including Yokohama, Bombay, Suez and London (where he lives). Not only that, but he wins the bet, marries an Indian girl that he meets on his travels, and punches the snide detective, Fix.

Phileas Fogg embarks upon one of the most gentlemanly (and comfortable) forms of transport known to gentleman - the elephant.

Jay Gatsby

The protagonist of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel The Great Gatsby. In many ways, the only man a gentleman needs know about is Jay Gatsby. He throws lavish parties and has a large library. For what more could you ask? Well, in fact, Gatsby has much more. He is a bootlegger (the liquor kind), a war hero and built his fortune from the ground up (via the noblest of pursuits, bootlegging).

Jay Gatsby is feeling a little hungry after wandering about his massive estate all morning.

The story, though, ends when Gatsby is wrongly killed by a man who believes (incorrectly) Gatsby killed his wife. This is the fault of the perfect gentleman impostor – Tom Buchanan. Buchanan embodies all the traits that a gentleman should not have. I shan’t go into them here, because the quicker we move on from him, the better.

Gatsby, after eating a hearty lunch, is ready to spend his afternoon posing in front of his state of the art automobile.

Sherlock Holmes (and, to a lesser extent, Thomas Watson)

The smartest man that ever lived (after his brother Mycroft Holmes). He enjoyed opium, playing the violin and withholding the details of a crime until the very end of the story.

Watson was always envious of Sherlock's mind. Watson had a much greater gift, though. His mustache.

Sherlock Holmes invented the pipe, the magnifying glass and the deerstalker hat (which he used when he stalked or investigated suspects or deers) all in his abode at 221B Baker Street, London.

Holmes and Watson interrogate a chair over a jewellery theft. Although his methods were unorthodox Holmes' success rate speaks for itself, much like this chair.

Sherlock Holmes’ greatest nemesis was Professor James Moriarty, a villainous rapscallion whose brilliant mind rivalled Holmes’ (generally when fighting next to waterfalls).  Although they both fells to their deaths, Holmes used his power of ‘Literary Protagonist’ to stay alive and continued his adventures until retiring to become a bee keeper.

Holmes and Moriarty tussle next to the Reichenbach falls. Since they were both brains not braun the fight was a tie and they both fell to a watery grave.

With his keen sense of deduction Holmes has become a literary gentleman of epic proportions.  His powers of deduction were so good he could correctly split a bill and work out how much to tip a waiter after a short brunch.

Holmes splits the bill and works out an adequate tip.

There are, of course, many more gentleman to find in your very own library. We suggest you spend most of your time between sips of scotch and puffs of your cigar reading your gentlemanly literature and becoming well acquainted with the finest gentlemen there ever were.

Mr Darcy goes to a Christmas fancy dress party dressed as an anti-gentleman.

So there you have it and until next time,
G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith

The Gentleman’s 100th article

Hello there,

Today is a momentous day in the history of The Gentleman Blog. No it’s not Talk Like William Shatner Day or some such; it is in fact the 100th anniversary of the birth of The Gentleman Blog (if you measure time in posts by The Gentleman Blog. I know we do. Obviously, in our gentleman units, 1 The Gentleman Blog post = 1 gentleman’s year). So to commemorate our Mahogany jubilee (a milestone only ever reached by The Gentleman), both Griffith and Brixley will be collaborating to take you through a typical day in the life here at The Gentleman.

Morning ablution

A gentleman gets up at precisely 7:24am every morning. This is because 7:24am is the exact time that the morning broadsheet is delivered. After a quick perusal of global affairs, a gentleman will prepare himself for the day to come.

After our separate morning routines (Brixley at Castle Brixley and Griffith at Griffith Manor), we meet at Sean Connery’s residence. Sean is, as always, running behind schedule (due to the immense amount of body hair he must trim and his claim that he works on ‘Scottish time’).

Sean Connery must let his chest hair dry before donning a starched white shirt. Notice his "half nelson" shaving technique.

The mid-morning round of golf

Following breakfast (which consisted of three fingers of Islay Malt and the best part of a smoked kipper), Sean inevitably suggests a round of golf. We were hesitant at first because he’d had a temper the past few days, but relented. Today was like any other, but we’ve learned to laugh.

Sean takes this triple bogey in his stride.

Morning Tea

After our tranquil round of golf we receive an invitation for morning tea at William Shatner’s beachfront acting academy.  We take Brixley’s old Ford Model-T while Griffith gives directions and Sean straightens out his sand wedge in the back seat (see above).

After morning tea Shanter performs his avante garde take on Hamlet. It goes for 37 seconds.

Lunch with Bogart.

From here we leave Shatner and Connery to their devices whilst we touch base with our old friend Humphrey Bogart.  He hasn’t been feeling well recently and so Brixley and Griffith take time out of their busy schedule to check up on him.  He served us up some fricasseed wild boar followed by wild boar pudding.

Bogart has so much time on his hands he can't decide which pastime to win more trophies in; boar hunting, tennis, golf, miniature yachting, archery, fishing, polo, smoking a pipe whilst gazing at self portraits or boar hunting.

We told him to take his dog for a walk as it seemed rather restless.

Digestifs by the pool

From Bogart’s we rendezvous with Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe at the local pool to relax and enjoy a selection of single malt scotch followed by some single malt scotch.

Grant can't believe how pale Monroe is. Although due to Cary Grant's jet-setting he has spent 237 hours in direct sunlight during the last two days.

Afternoon tea

From the pool we take the street car to 10 Downing Street London where we have been invited by Winston Churchill for some afternoon tea.  Afternoon tea for Churchill consists of two Churchill sized cigars and an never-ending glass of scotch.  This is precisely what the doctor ordered after our swim (in fact Churchill’s personal chef is a doctor and therefore this statement is to be taken literally).

During our mid-afternoon stroll, Churchill receives an important call on his iPhone from F.D. Roosevelt (Roosevelt believed Churchill to have cheated at Words with Friends)

Dinner

We bid Churchill adieu and took the short steam-engine ride to New York where JFK and we were honourary speakers at a roast for Jimmy Stewart.

Here we see JFK telling a particularly risque tale about Stewart during the filming of Rear Window. Little did JFK know that Stewart would be roasting him not 3 months later. Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (this is particularly applicable to JFK since his house was indeed made entirely of glass).

After Dinner

From New York we ferried to Las Vegas to catch a midnight Sinatra show at the Sands.  Afterward throwing some craps with Sinatra we made a brief stop (via underground mafia tunnel) to his house for a nightcap.

Sinatra not only knew how to throw craps, he could also scoop up the four of diamonds with a long shovel whilst interrupting this poker tournament.

After tucking Sinatra into bed Brixley and Griffith make their way via flying machine back to their respective abodes for some well earned rest, ready for another day of cross-continental engagements with dead celebrities.

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith

The gentleman aviator

Good day,

Living in the 21st century has its pros (e.g. GPS navigation helps me and my yacht avoid the more dangerous areas of Lake Griffith),  but also many cons. One of which is that some occupations that were once revered in society as involving only the gentlemanliest of gentlemen have today become diluted with bogans and gentleman imposters. I will highlight one such example of this today – the aviator.

Bert Hinkler signs this photo especially for The Gentleman Blog. Luckily I had the foresight to get him to sign this 77 years before the blog began.

You see, up until around the 1970s the aviator was a dignified, educated and courageous man. In fact, there were also many gentleladies who also fit this criteria.

A female aviator is known as an aviatrix. Ruth Nichols here watches her plane take off without her as this photo shoot runs overtime.

Unfortunately today, the profession has been taken over by every half-drunk RAAF drop out (or so I assume). Occasionally when the VH-Griffith is out of service I need to take the public airoplane for my travels. I am frequently abhorred. If only the Sopwith Aviation Company were still around…

Sean Connery shares my disdain for public aircraft. He's taking the direct route.

And not to mention the perils involved on public aircraft.

This happened to William Shatner one two separate occasions. What better reason to buy your own Sopwith Camel and fly yourself around the gentlemanly way.

Shatner and Connery were not the only notable gentleman to have an affinity with air travel, though.

Frank Sinatra attempted to build and fly his own aircraft, but mistook furlongs for chains and hence it turned out too small. He put it on his piano instead.

And let us not forget some gentleman who devoted their gentlemanly lives to the skies. They include the likes of Charles Lindbergh, Sir Charles Kingsford-Smith and Roger Ramjet.

Charles Kingsford-Smith was inducted into the gentleman's ranks for his love of a smoke. He then graduated to aviator. That's the way these things work.

Charles Lindbergh not only pioneered flight, but also pioneered overselling flights.

And here’s something you can impress your friends or that special lady with at the next soiree you attend. Harry Houdini was the first person to fly a plane in Australia.

A generic, vintage photo of an aircraft.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The gentleman’s bicycle

Good day,

Every good gentleman knows how to travel in style. And there is one mode of transport, that we have neglected so far, the humble bicycle.

A gentleman values the dual purpose of the bicycle in transporting one’s self (perhaps to the local reform club, or a nearby university to give a guest lecture), and keeping a gentlemanly physique. Remember, the gentleman does not go out of his way to shed kilos – as it is not a useful way to spend time with so many different scotches to sample – but bicycling nonetheless has happy side-effects.

A gentleman taking his favourite lady for a ride to the ‘fake scenery’ shoppe.

Of course, penny-farthings are now a dated form of transport. The modern gentleman may ride a more contemporary form of bicycle.

But preferably no more contemporary than this. This man is also displaying the importance of posing with your bike.

However there are more to bicycles than just riding. Looking good on your bike is equally important as the convenience.

This man does not even know how to ride a bicycle, but is trying to woo a lady.

Don’t underestimate the power of the bicycle in making friends and wooing women. Few ladies can resist a man on two wheels, flirtatiously ringing their bell and working their spokes.

This started as one man going to his local cigar bar on a bicycle. But it quickly rallied the city’s finest to join him. Scotch and cigar festivities are to follow.

You may think that smoking many cigars may be counteractive to being able to ride your bicycle around. This is untrue. In fact, Fidel Castro himself was known to ride his bicycle from the Plaza de la Revolucion to the Cohiba factory every day.

Also this man, who is the picture of health. Notice the jealous sailors in the background.

And with that, I wish you happy and safe riding. Keep both hands on the bars (unless you have a cigar in one, in which case keep your other hand on the bar… or you have a scotch in the other hand as well, in which case it’s probably better to put your kickstand to good use and have a well-deserved scotch/cigar break).

H.L. Griffith

The nautical gentleman

Well hello again,

The relationship between man and boat has a rich and intriguing history. I will not go into the details here, except to say that gentlemen invented the boat many years ago, and has been sailing ever since. The gentleman is associated particularly with the yacht – a recreational boat of gentlemanly proportions.

 

The melting pot of boating, a cigar, a broadsheet newspaper and devil-may-care hair is one of the most delicious recipes for an afternoon known to the gentleman.

 

Of course, boats are expensive ventures. So if you cannot afford to purchase marine transportation for yourself, you should work your gentlemanly charm on someone who has. In return, you can teach them how to be more of a gentleman by directing them to this blog.

 

Tintin was sometimes surprised by Haddock’s evil nautical plans (as shown in this picture), but could not afford a boat with his meagre journalist’s salary.

 

But why a boat, you may ask? I was just getting to that. So read on…

There are many advantages to having access to a boat! They include:

1.     You get to wear a sailors hat, and potentially look like Frank Sinatra and/or Gene Kelly:

 

Sometimes the joy of the boating lifestyle makes you unexpectedly break out into song. The man in the background (who does not own a boat) could not be more impressed.

 

2.     On the open water, no one asks you to put out your cigar.

 

There is a congregation of gentleman smoking on the poopdeck of this sturdy-looking ship.

 

3.     Members of the female gender find it very hard to resist a man who has conquered the ocean.

 

These gentlemen are having a gentlemanly discussion about how they will approach the ladies in the background. It doesn’t make a difference though, they’re gentleman and they’re on a boat – they tick all the boxes.

 

4.     You don’t need any training to operate a boat; true gentleman is able to intuitively operate a boat, motorcycle with sidecar or plane (when in mortal danger).

 

We’ve all had to put our game of biplane tennis on hold to wrestle a plane from a nosedive once or twice. But that’s okay; it’s in a gentleman’s nature.

 

And with that, I wish you happy boating. May the sea be kind and the scotch be plentiful.

H.L. Griffith

A Gentleman’s own transportation

To fellow gentlemen,

When one becomes bushed from using the public transport system, the gentleman can choose to purchase an automobile of his own. Given that your particular vehicle must suit your appearance and gentlemanly ways, here’s a quick guide of things to look for in an automobile.

 

Henry Ford was a catalyst for all gentlemenly transportation

 

Cigar smoking can prove quite relaxing while driving in your luxurious vehicle, so to avoid making a mess of your foot well upholstery, it must be fitted with ash trays.

 

Smoking your briar pipe while driving can also be an option.

 

White wall tires are, always have been, and always will be at the heighth of motorcar fashion

 

The 1939 Rolls-Royce Phantom III pretty much speaks for itself.

 

Woodgrain interior is pleasing to the eye, a chamois or polishing cloth can prove useful while waiting for your tweed suit to be dry cleaned. A push button wireless is also essential, this advanced technology will be quite an eye catcher when sporting a young lady to dinner.

 

You can tour the town while listening to your favourite tunes.

 

And finally, a picnic rug, a bottle of 40 year port and ciagrs stored in the trunk in case of an emergency breakdown.

NB: Most automobiles don’t come with this as standard so ask for the deluxe model.

 

This could be you.

 

Until next time.

Sincerely,

C.M. Badger