The solitary gentleman

Hello there,

You may have noticed that we here at The Gentleman have been conspicuously aloof lately.  This is not because we do not hold our readers in the highest regard, in fact quite the opposite.  It is however, due to our busy social schedules, what with all the soirees, galas, jubilees, affairs and receptions.  For the next week, though, no foreign diplomats, dignitaries, tycoons or monarchs have requested our time. So we will both be using our free week to get back in touch with our inner gentleman.

Cary Grant gathers his thoughts via a gentlemanly pose whilst enjoying a delicious beverage.

There are of course many pastimes that a gentleman can occupy his time with by himself.  A solo round of golf can clear a gentleman’s head from all the hubbub of day-to-day life.

Clark Gable enjoys a champion’s breakfast before heading to the golf club.

You may have fallen behind on the classics so why not consult the blueprints of your mansion to find the library and reading room, blow some dust of a heavy book and stare longingly into the fire as you turn the pages.

Frank Sinatra builds up the courage to tackle his “to-read” list.

If you are up-to-date with your literary pursuits why not try your hand at refining your strategic mind by studying the chess masters or dealing a hand of solo whist.

Michael Caine mixes himself a Solo Whist.

If you’re not partial to a hand of cards then why not head to your observatory and witness the celestial motion of the heavens and beyond.

Jimmy Stewart never liked telescopes.

Once you have contemplated the mysteries of the universe why not head from your observatory to the conservatory and contemplate the mysteries of this world.

Humphrey Bogart heads to his conservatory (AKA his humidor) where the humidity is always a constant 70%, just like Havana.

If you don’t like to swelter at the same humidity of the cigar you are currently smoking then why not head to the gardens for a refreshing drink and  a three piece suit.

Sean Conney is dissatisfied with his Mint Julep.

Then main point is, when you are as constantly engaged as many gentlemen are, you must find time to get back to the basics.  Failing that, enjoy a cigar with a few good lugs of your favourite Islay Scotch and recharge your gentlemanly batteries.

Clint Eastwood makes it his business to get some “alone” time.

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O Brixley

H.L Griffith

A gentleman’s summer activities

Hello there,

For anyone living in the southern hemisphere or for all those gentlemen who will be migrating south from the cold northern winter, you may be aware that tomorrow begins three deliciously peaty summer months.  However there are many activities to pass the summer months that aren’t exclusively smoking cigars and drinking Scotch (although these are included in all the activities).

Get off your desktop and get outside during the summer months.

Riding a bicycle is a great way to get some fresh air whilst smoking a cigar.  The bicycle is a good mode of transportation for getting to a picnic, casual garden party or to do a lap of France.

The Beatles would ride from performance to performance on bicycles and just look how happy they are about it.

The bicycle is also good transportation to your friendly biweekly tennis tournament.  However if you are still recovering pulling your back after getting stuck in the bunker on the 4th, well then summer is also the perfect time to watch sport.

Clark Gable recovers from a golf injury by watching some tennis using his patented 'thousand yard stare'.

After you’ve filled your sports quota why not relax to some soothing music.  A young person told me just yesterday that they could play music off their electric typewriting machine, but I don’t see the point since I have a fully functioning record player, the vinyl to go with it and a Hollywood A-lister to select the songs.

Audrey Hepburn choose an adequate summer playlist at Castle Brixley.

Also Summer is the season to let bygones be bygones.  Why not make amends with a former friend, reconnect with people long forgotten, and challenge your arch nemesis to a shooting competition.

Sean Connery is offerend an olive branch by arch nemesis, Largo. Connery won the shooting contest, stole Largo's girl, foiled his nuclear ransom plot and killed him. I suggest if you're in Connery's black book you stay away this summer.

If you have no enemies then why not get some fresh sea air, it could be just what the doctor ordered (if your doctor is also a Sea Captain).  The beach is an opportune time to recharge your batteries with the ‘Three Ss’, sun, sea and Scotch (preferably a Laphroaig, since it is matured in barrels next to the sea for added flavour)

Cary Grant gets some fresh ocean air and some much needed sun on his face.

The main point of Summer is to relax and enjoy the nice weather to it’s fullest, with a Scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other.

When Errol Flynn wasn't filming or in jail, he was relaxing as only Errol Flynn could, after he patented it.

So there you have it, you’ll not go wanting for activities this summer.

G.O. Brixley

 

The Grandmaster Gentleman

Salutations,

When I was a student (during the ’40s I studied mathematics and natural philosophy) I was an intellectual piranha.  In fact, I once single-handedly won a debate against a team consisting of Margarat Thatcher, Robert Oppenheimer and Douglas Haig regarding a topic fusing deregulation of the British economy, quantum electrodynamics and (bad) Great War military tactics.

Robert Oppenheimer during his unsuccessful rebuttal. That's what you get for trying to poison your tutor.

Once leaving the world of academia for exploits in banking, opening up trade routes and building Griffith Manor, opportunities to keep the mind sharp dissipated. To combat this happening to you, we here at The Gentleman suggest you start honing your chess skills.

Humphrey Bogart makes a move while playing against Charles Boyer (who is sitting on two phonebooks).

Chess is the perfect past-time for the intelligent gentleman. It teaches you critical skills of foresight, good-sportsmanship, strategy and the difference between black and white. It also may buy you a crucial few more days when your time comes.

A pre-make of Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey shows Bill playing chess with the Grim Reaper.

One of the beautiful things about chess is its simplicity. This lends itself to many variations to keep you sharp.

Charlie Chaplin referees a game of tag-team chess between Marlon Brando, Sophia Loren & Jerry Epstein and Sydney Chaplin. The game ended prematurely when Brando accused Loren of cheating, to which Loren accused Brandon of being Italian.

Captain Kirk also invented a variety of chess on the Starship Enterprise.

Kirk and Spock play a variation of space-chess. It involves an extra dimension and three extra pieces. The winner of this game plays Chekov in the final.

You may have noticed that the Russians are particularly adept at chess. I can only conclude that this is for two reasons. The first of which is that they enjoy overthrowing monarchs. The second of which is that liquor increases your ability to play and win games of chess.

Michael Caine demonstrates that a water-drinking "gentleman" will never conquer a liquor-drinking gentleman.

If you would like to start out and learn the rules of chess, I suggest you do a few things. First of all, get yourself a chess board and chess pieces. These can range from only a few dollars to thousands. Especially if you get your pieces custom-made.

Frank Sinatra enjoyed chess so much that he got his own pieces made for him.

The other thing you should do is purchase Griffith and Brixley’s Introduction to the Wonderful World of Chess. It goes through the history of chess, basic rules, key strategies and the best liquor to consume while playing chess. With these two critical ingredients, you are well on your way to becoming a grandmaster.

Bobby Fischer, chess prodigy, had a career as a chess grandmaster so successful that he could plaster his walls with the finest art known to man (pictured).

So we suggest that you take every opportunity to challenge your friends to a game of chess. It will keep you mentally sharp, drunk and entertained for hours. It may also help you out if you find yourself in the middle of World War II some time in the future.

A little-known fact about World War II was that it was settled by a game of chess between two oriental gentlemen (who, despite their uniforms, were not involved in the war).

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

Anyone for tennis?

Hello there,

As I was in the middle of a successful serve and volley this morning I realised that we here at The Gentleman have not addressed the very sport that I was occupying myself with.  That sport was of course, tennis.

An early form of tennis whereby players stood around holding racquets. Nowadays this is called 'standing around holding racquets'

Tennis was invented by the French in the 12th century, however, instead of racquets, the French would use loaves of bread (the opponents bread was the spoils for the victor).

A team of tennis players finalising the rules to tennis. They decided it shouldn't have chairs by a vote of 4 to 2.

By the 16th century, during the great “French Loaf Famine”, the French decided to use non-wheat based foodstuffs and instead invented a rudimentary racquet.  Also at the time tennis was played indoors since the game originated in bakeries whereby bakers would smack balls of dough at each other out of frustration of being struggling painters.

Bill Tilden, an America tennis great, prances about the court in his athletic leather shoes. This move he demonstrates is called the 'reverse backhand pirouette'.

Henry the VIII of England was a big fan of this ‘real tennis’ as it was called (and by big, I mean he was very fat).

This tennis lady models a modest female tennis dress along with matching 'sports bonnet'.

In the 1870s the game of tennis had evolved into using racquets and being played on a croquet lawn. This quickly became the tennis we know and love today.

During this match between Hunt and Riggs, Riggs demonstrates how to start a fire with his racquet. This move was deemed as illegal by the International Tennis Association thereafter.

The aim of tennis is to hit the ball over the net and into the opponents half of the court.  They will then return the favour and this is called a “rally”.  Whoever fails to keep the rally going loses the point.

Chevy Chase demonstrates how to play mixed doubles and be the most tanned person in the world all at once.

The scoring was invented by the French and is therefore convoluted and non-sequential.  If you win 1 point you get 15 points, win another and you get another 15, the third point you get only earns you 10 points and then you win.  If your opponent gets to 40 points like your good self, then we enter a phase called “deuce” where each player must take advantage of their opponent in order to win.  If you are on zero it is called ‘love’ since the French are known for their “zero making”.

Errol Flynn and his trainer take a break from a grueling tennis match to have mint juleps.

Other forms of tennis include doubles tennis, American doubles (one versus two, the American’s don’t know what double of 1 is) and table tennis where each player must stand on large tables whilst playing.

After a refreshing alcoholic beverage it's back to it for Errol Flynn.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The Gentleman’s 100th article

Hello there,

Today is a momentous day in the history of The Gentleman Blog. No it’s not Talk Like William Shatner Day or some such; it is in fact the 100th anniversary of the birth of The Gentleman Blog (if you measure time in posts by The Gentleman Blog. I know we do. Obviously, in our gentleman units, 1 The Gentleman Blog post = 1 gentleman’s year). So to commemorate our Mahogany jubilee (a milestone only ever reached by The Gentleman), both Griffith and Brixley will be collaborating to take you through a typical day in the life here at The Gentleman.

Morning ablution

A gentleman gets up at precisely 7:24am every morning. This is because 7:24am is the exact time that the morning broadsheet is delivered. After a quick perusal of global affairs, a gentleman will prepare himself for the day to come.

After our separate morning routines (Brixley at Castle Brixley and Griffith at Griffith Manor), we meet at Sean Connery’s residence. Sean is, as always, running behind schedule (due to the immense amount of body hair he must trim and his claim that he works on ‘Scottish time’).

Sean Connery must let his chest hair dry before donning a starched white shirt. Notice his "half nelson" shaving technique.

The mid-morning round of golf

Following breakfast (which consisted of three fingers of Islay Malt and the best part of a smoked kipper), Sean inevitably suggests a round of golf. We were hesitant at first because he’d had a temper the past few days, but relented. Today was like any other, but we’ve learned to laugh.

Sean takes this triple bogey in his stride.

Morning Tea

After our tranquil round of golf we receive an invitation for morning tea at William Shatner’s beachfront acting academy.  We take Brixley’s old Ford Model-T while Griffith gives directions and Sean straightens out his sand wedge in the back seat (see above).

After morning tea Shanter performs his avante garde take on Hamlet. It goes for 37 seconds.

Lunch with Bogart.

From here we leave Shatner and Connery to their devices whilst we touch base with our old friend Humphrey Bogart.  He hasn’t been feeling well recently and so Brixley and Griffith take time out of their busy schedule to check up on him.  He served us up some fricasseed wild boar followed by wild boar pudding.

Bogart has so much time on his hands he can't decide which pastime to win more trophies in; boar hunting, tennis, golf, miniature yachting, archery, fishing, polo, smoking a pipe whilst gazing at self portraits or boar hunting.

We told him to take his dog for a walk as it seemed rather restless.

Digestifs by the pool

From Bogart’s we rendezvous with Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe at the local pool to relax and enjoy a selection of single malt scotch followed by some single malt scotch.

Grant can't believe how pale Monroe is. Although due to Cary Grant's jet-setting he has spent 237 hours in direct sunlight during the last two days.

Afternoon tea

From the pool we take the street car to 10 Downing Street London where we have been invited by Winston Churchill for some afternoon tea.  Afternoon tea for Churchill consists of two Churchill sized cigars and an never-ending glass of scotch.  This is precisely what the doctor ordered after our swim (in fact Churchill’s personal chef is a doctor and therefore this statement is to be taken literally).

During our mid-afternoon stroll, Churchill receives an important call on his iPhone from F.D. Roosevelt (Roosevelt believed Churchill to have cheated at Words with Friends)

Dinner

We bid Churchill adieu and took the short steam-engine ride to New York where JFK and we were honourary speakers at a roast for Jimmy Stewart.

Here we see JFK telling a particularly risque tale about Stewart during the filming of Rear Window. Little did JFK know that Stewart would be roasting him not 3 months later. Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (this is particularly applicable to JFK since his house was indeed made entirely of glass).

After Dinner

From New York we ferried to Las Vegas to catch a midnight Sinatra show at the Sands.  Afterward throwing some craps with Sinatra we made a brief stop (via underground mafia tunnel) to his house for a nightcap.

Sinatra not only knew how to throw craps, he could also scoop up the four of diamonds with a long shovel whilst interrupting this poker tournament.

After tucking Sinatra into bed Brixley and Griffith make their way via flying machine back to their respective abodes for some well earned rest, ready for another day of cross-continental engagements with dead celebrities.

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith

Gentleman and cricket

Hello,

Any gentleman following the cricket currently is no doubt aware that there are no gentlemen left in the sport. The days of cricket being the “gentleman’s game” are so far gone that they are probably dining with fellow gentleman Miles Davis in heaven right now. (Because abstract objects such as days can be gentleman and have dinner with a person for the purpose of the point I’m trying to make here.)

"Skill", "technique" and "footwork" were optional for the cricketing gentleman during the ‘gentleman’s era'.

Back in pre-1940s cricket, games were often decided not on who has scored more runs during the test match, but which team has the greater volume of beard and who has been more gentlemanly during the course of the contest.

The calibre of the team’s dress was also paramount to the team’s chance of winning. This team was undefeated for a lengthy run.

The state of cricket today reflects very poorly upon the sport. It seems that criteria for selection today includes tattoos covering one’s entire arm rather than the magnitude of one’s moustache.

The South African team of the 1890s was selected purely on the volume of their moustache. Many of these players had never picked up a cricket bat in their life when they were selected. The moustache-less man in the front row was a case of mistaken identity.

The gentleman cricketer’s dress sense on the field was also of paramount concern. Back when HL Griffith was displaying his moustache’s virtuosity on the cricket field, cricketers would put some thought into their attire. Not like the sponsor-laden, “easy-breathe” rubbish you see sported by Shane Watson and Michael Clarke today. ‘Breathability’ is not a word in the gentleman’s lexicon. I had to use a thesaurus to find it just for the purposes of this article and I have now forgotten it.

This gentleman knows the value of a good cricket sweater. And this lady knows the value of a good cricketing gentleman.

There, of course, was a transition period between the gentleman’s era and what we see today. During this transition period, we observed semi-gentleman running around in the baggy green. Semi-gentleman are gentleman who have many gentleman qualities, but obviously have not read enough of The Gentleman Blog.

Allan Border is the perfect example of the semi-gentleman. He has an almost-gentlemanly moustache and a sponsor-free sweater. He, though, did occasionally prefer a VB over a refreshing, warm scotch after a day’s play.

So when you watch the used-to-be-gentleman’s-game of cricket, spare a thought for the death of what the sport used to stand for – gentleman being gentleman in the company of other gentleman, displaying their facial hair and stylish sweaters and nothing more (except for occasionally bowling a ball – but this was rare).

Until next time,

HL Griffith

Gentlemen on the green

Hello there,

I was playing a round of eighteen holes when it occurred to me that we here at The Gentleman had not written a post on the most important part of the gentlemanly game of golf; putting.

Jack Nicklaus wasn't just a good at hitting the ball long distances, he was also good at rolling the ball short distances. Here we see Nicklaus in his trademarked 'putting hunch'.

Putting is half the game of golf.  That’s not meant to be some rhetoric tip, it’s true.  On a par 4 hole you are expected to have two shots on the fairway and two putts.  Then on a par 5 you have one more fairway hit and on a par 3 you just have the tee off onto the green.  Therefore half your score will be made in putts, therefore the less putts you have the better your score.  It’s maths at it’s best.

Here we see Sean Connery beating Goldfinger. Notice how Goldfingers stance is poor whilst Sean Connery has a good lean on his putter. He is getting into his 'zen' putting state.

Since putting is such an important part of the game a gentleman should focus half of his time perfecting his putt.  To do this a gentleman must get into a zen like state where he is one with the green, his putter and the ball.

Chevy Chase would often blindfold himself to get into this relaxed state. Notice here his childlike expression of calmness.

A lot of people try to perfect their putting by going out and buying extremely expensive putters, hoping that this will somehow ‘fix’ their putting.  This is not true.  The real trick to putting is getting to know your club.  A gentleman’s putter should be his second wife, and if he is unmarried, his first.  He must know the putter backwards and forwards and sometimes both.

Frank Sinatra is eyeing off someone who was looking at his putter. Nobody stares at Frank's wife that way. Notice the exquisite lean he has got going on.

If you know the putter, you will know how to putt with it, it’s that simple.  You could have the oldest rustiest putter in the cosmos but if you have learnt how to play with it, you should be able to putt like a professional.

Here we see a group of gentle-ladies putting in their plus fours. For these women the putter might not be their second wife, but more of a mistress or concubine.

A game of golf is more often than not, won or lost on the green.  Happy Gilmore had to learn this the hard way and he wasn’t even a gentleman, so therefore I am telling you this information in the hope that you will learn from the mistakes of the slovenly Gilmore.

Arnold Palmer rejoices in his newfound knowledge and skill on the green. Here he performs a rudimentary jig in celebration.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The gentleman and billiards

I long ago came to the conclusion that there is a hierarchy of games to be played on the billiards table. There is the lowly game of 8-ball – frequently played by the anti-gentleman in public houses. The gentleman only partakes in a game of 8-ball if it is to display the deficiencies of such a primal game. If you ever see what looks like a gentleman playing 8-ball and he does not clean the table with ease followed by a witty quip about his time in the subcontinent, then you can only assume this ‘gentleman’ is actually the anti-gentleman in disguise. You should throw down your gauntlet, take out your pistol and challenge them to a dual. It is the only reasonable thing to do.

Don't be fooled by the 1940s automobile or the men with hats. This is an 8-ball hut. Gentleman should be at least three furlongs away from these at all times

A few ladder rungs above 8-ball is snooker. Some gentleman will play a quick game of snooker as a warm up for classier game. In snooker there are 15 red balls and 6 other-coloured balls. Red balls are worth 1 point to pocket, and the other coloured balls range from two points for the yellow ball to 7 points for the black ball. It’s nothing racial, it is just how the game was made.

This is the basic table set up of snooker. You place the red balls in a triangle, the coloured balls as shown and then surround the table with scores of gentleman.

At the apex of the hierarchy is billiards. The quintessential gentleman’s past-time. Its rules date back to the beginning of the gentleman – so many years ago that numbers have not been invented yet that could describe the history of this game. Some experts think they may have been crafted as early as 10,000 PC (pre-Connery).

Sean Connery lines up a shot. The game he is playing is an offshoot of billiards that involves 4 identical white balls, obstacles on the table and must be played in the presence of a hand-drawn picture of a house or barn.

Billiards requires only three balls. Two cue balls, one yellow, one white. And one red ball. You can score by pocketing the red ball with your cue ball, pocketing your cue ball after hitting the red or other player’s cue ball, or hitting both the red ball and the other player’s cue ball with your cue ball. It’s simple, graceful and games can last as long as three Churchills (or roughly 6 Earth hours).

Walter Lindrum not only revolutionized billiards, but some academics contend he invented the vest and bow-tie double

Billiards, of course, was mastered by one of the finest gentleman of the 20^th century – Walter Lindrum. Lindrum was known to sample only the finest scotch, smoke only the finest cigars and play only the finest of games while wearing only the finest of vests.

He also had only the finest caricatures drawn of him.

And so when you next come across a billiards table, opt for the gentleman’s game of billiards over the neanderthalic game of 8-ball. Remember, playing 8-ball increases your chances of contracting some of the deadliest diseases in the world. But more importantly, you will be branded a bogan by your gentleman compadres and black-listed from all upcoming soirees and benefits.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

How to follow through like a gentleman

Hello there,

As many of you may be coming to the end of your studies or work for the year you will no doubt have much more spare time. The most gentlemanly way to fill this time is to play a round of 18 holes followed by a bottle of single malt and a couple of cigars (or a pipe).

Some gentlemen enjoy their summer break in gentlemanly style.

Now you may be a bit rusty with the clubs coming out of winter but there is only one thing you need to work on to get back into the swing of things and that is your follow through.

Sean Connery gazing into the distance as he completes his perfect follow through.

The most important part of the golf swing is the follow through. Many people will tell you that this is because a good follow through helps guide the ball etc. This is wrong, a good follow through is needed so that you can have that solitary moment where you take in the beauty of the course and the serenity that comes with golf (this is before you get angry at how terribly you sliced the ball)

Although Arnold Palmer is surrounded by people, he is still enjoying the solitude and serenity of his follow through.

It’s this moment that makes golf worthwhile. It’s the moment where you are at one with the club, the course and that hip-flask of Scotch in your breast pocket.

Humphrey Bogart stood cemented in his perfect follow through for 4 days once.

So when you’re next playing a round, savour that post-swing moment and just take in everything that is good in the world.

JFK may have had the weight of the nation resting on his shoulders but when he followed through on his golf swing he could finally relax and enjoy his comfortable penny loafers.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The gentleman’s caddy

Hello there,

It’s been a while since I last talked about the gentleman’s game.  Of course I am talking about golf.  Now when playing golf it is important to have clubs, and if you can, try to get someone else to carry them.  In other words, get a caddy.

 

Here we have a lady employing the caddy to aid her game and also make her look taller.

 

The caddy has now become a luxury when playing golf.  Back in the days before wheeled golf bags the caddy would carry your clubs and help you select shots based on their in-depth knowledge of the course and their telekinetic abilities that are essential for a good caddy and/or Jedi.

 

Here we see the lengths a caddy will go to to assist the golfer. I suggest a lofty club when hitting from scaffolding.

 

Luckily for us the caddy has not become extinct yet.  You can still watch any golf tournament in any country and the golfers will still have a caddy to carry their clubs, and do you know why?  Because they an intrinsic part of the game.

 

Here we see the caddy giving his advice on a club. It is also important for caddys to be able to kill people with their headwear.

 

Not many courses provide caddys to assist you any more so what you should do is hire the nextdoor neighbour’s kid to lug your clubs around for a small wage.  This will instil the child with a sense of responsibility, purpose and a mildly sore back.

 

Look at how much fun the kid from next door is having by carrying your clubs.

 

So there you have it.

 

The steely gaze of the caddy lives on. As long as they instill fear in the opposition.

 

G.O. Brixley