The gentleman’s calendar

Hello there,

As it is January and most of you gentlemen out there will have gotten a new daily planner to organise which days you play golf and which days you drink sake with the Japanese ambassador.  However there are some important gentlemanly dates that you should not double book.

March 22nd: Internationl talk like William Shatner day

On this… day William Shatner was born. Therefore… we… should take moments throughout the day to talk like……… William Shatner.

William Shatner wasn't only one of our generations most unique actor/starship commanders, he was also a notorious lethario as shown by his trademark 'Kirk' seductive expression. It worked on a vast number of women, aliens and even a robot.

Although this day was created by comedians so as to mock Shatner’s futuristic acting intonations we should also take this day to recognise all the good deeds he has done for the gentlemanly community.  And if you find yourself double booking this day with the Japanese ambassador it is compulsory at the karaoke night you attend (and you will) to perform a spoken word rendition of Elton John’s Rocket Man.

October 5th: Dr. No premiered in 1962

The first of the James Bond novels to be adapted for the silver screen, Dr. No is the quintessential Sean Connery movie.

Sean Connery shows that style really is his middle name when he turns up to work in a tuxedo. In this scene the man on the right tries to explain why the gun he is holding is deadlier than Connery's fists. He was soon proved wrong.

To commemorate this premier you should watch it on the original 35mm pressing of the film that you purchased from that James Bond memorabilia auction.  The drink of choice for this day is a martini followed by a bottle of Dom Perignon ’53 (preferable over the ’55).

November 22nd: The gentleman’s Christmas period officially begins.

On this day we kick off the festive season by remembering John F. Kennedy and playing a round of golf in his honour.

Kennedy was the most stylish and gentlemanly president the Whitehouse had seen since Abraham Lincoln made the 'undertaker' look popular in the 1860s. Unfortunately for the world of style, both were gunned down by lesser dressed individuals.

The gentleman’s christmas period starts from this day and goes for a whole year until November 22nd the following year when the process starts all over again.

November 29th: Gentleman’s Easter.

This is one of the most important days of the gentleman’s year.  The day that Cary Grant passed on.  On this day you should don your finest suit and pay homage to the great man by running away from a crop duster.

Cary Grant is now walking in greener pastures. And apparently in these pastures it's the 1700s, but only for Grant.

After a good run around the crop field, all gentlemen should congregate at the local reform club or white table-clothed bar and honour the man that wrote the book on being a gentleman.  That’s not a figure of speech, he actually wrote the book.

Cary Grant proof reading a manuscript for 'the book'. Here he reads it to his dog to try to imbue some gentlemanly habits into it. However the dog cannot understand English and so Grant reads it in his head.

So there you have it.  There will be more dates to add to your calendar in latter posts, so don’t fret, it’s unbecoming for a gentleman.

G.O. Brixley

The gentleman’s New Year’s resolution

Hello there,

As you may or may not be aware, the new year was rung in during our sabbatical here at The Gentleman.  As such may I congratulate all of our followers for making it into what I’m sure will be an eventful year of gentlemanly pastimes.

I thought it only proper that we here at The Gentleman would share our New Year’s resolutions with you in an effort to stimulate your gentlemanly urges and branch out into a new area of gentlemanly habits that you may not have tried before.

1. Travel in gentlemanly style.  Even if it’s out to the countryside for a picnic, make sure you travel somewhere this year.  Don’t forget to carry yourself as a gentleman at all times and also don’t remember to take the back up red wine.

If travelling overseas, why not travel like The Beatles? Make sure you have a throng of people constantly surrounding you, taking pictures and then occasionally perform a stadium concert to screaming fans.

2. Put your feet up once in a while.  It is important that a gentleman has sufficient ‘down time’ so as to recharge the gentlemanly batteries.  It’s a proven fact that playing golf followed by cigars and Scotch is as labour intensive on the body as 5 marathons, therefore a gentleman should take time when he can to rest and relax.  Remember, stress can kill you, especially if it’s in the guise of that armed Cat Burglar I apprehended when I was on the French Riviera.

Cary Grant puts his feet up like it's no one's business. Grant was actually the fittest person in the world during the 1950s but even he had to rest sometimes.

3. Find the Maltese Falcon. This is a pretty self explanatory resolution.  Elusive and priceless, the Falcon has been sought after by many a gentleman.

Humphrey Bogart pictured here with a replica Maltese Falcon. Bogart hung this picture above his desk to remind him of his lifelong quest for the Falcon. Did he find it? There is only one way to find out and that's to exhume his coffin. Quick! To Glendale California!

4. Test Pilot an experimental form of transportation.  Gentlemen are by definition, fearless.  Therefore why not put your courage to the test and take a trip to the wild side via experimental transportation.

Sean Connery didn't just prove that he was fearless by test piloting this helicopter thing, he also defeated Blofeld and his private army of evil henchmen.

5. Learn to stare like Michael Caine. If there is one thing that Michael Caine was good at, (and there wasn’t, since he was good at most things such as masonry or skydiving) it was staring down an opponent.  Learn the art of his stare and you are bound to be victorious in any duel.

Just looking at this picture makes me cower. It's as if he can see my soul and has then asked it to lunch, only to stand it up and feel no remorse.

6. Be the best gentleman you can be.  As gentleman we should strive to be the height of style, honour, compassion and promoting the gentlemanly way of going about things.  But there is always room for improvement, even here at The Gentleman.  So be the best gentleman you can be for this year of 2011 and maybe one day we can all attain the status of Cary Grant.

In Grant we trust.

G.O. Brixley

The gentleman at Christmas

Hello there,

As you are well aware I’m sure, Christmas is upon us like a lion upon a gazelle that I plan on shooting and making into a rug.  Due to this fact, the whole week we shall be posting Christmas themed posts.  I shall start the week off with a general overview of Christmas and the long relationship it has had with gentlemen.

Here Humphrey Bogart has given Lauren Bacall a servant child for Christmas. They are standing in front of some sort of Christmas themed plant.

Christmas is a wondrous time when the gentleman may get to treat himself to a little more Scotch than usual (to give him that extra hit of Christmas cheer).  Also a lot of meat tends to be consumed, which is always a good thing.

A great gentlemanly pastime at Christmas is to play the piano whilst people stand on ladders behind you. It's an old tradition whose origins stem from the nativity.

Christmas started over two thousand years ago when the son of God was born.  Hercules was born in a humble pig stye and was then placed in a manger, or troff.  Soon thereafter he was visited by a number of wise men (If you think there were three of them you should stop getting your Bible facts from Frosty the Snowman) who gave him some very inappropriate children’s toys (not very wise if you ask me).

Here we see Michael Caine reenacting the birth of Christ with the help of puppets. As you can tell, the Pig who represents Mary Christ has given birth to a turkey representing Thor Christ whom they will all consume as a sort of communion style banquet.

Because of this giving of gifts, we now give each other presents under the facade that a fat Kenny Rodgers look-a-like breaks into our houses via the easily accessibly chimney and puts them under a tree that for some reason is indoors.

Santa may have a stressful job being an imaginary person who delivers millions of presents in a ridiculous ski outfit, but he gets through the day with the relaxing flavours of Lucky Strike.

But apart from all the inexplicably random series of events, Christmas is good for a few things.  If you live in the Northern hemisphere then Christmas is the ideal time to stand next to a fireplace, smoke and have a hearty drink.

Bing Crosby was responsible for 50% of all Christmas songs ever recorded. However you can't stay mad at him for that, just look at his face.

If you live in the Southern hemisphere, Christmas means you can sun yourself whilst sipping a martini by the pool as you cook your steak to perfection (rare) on a primitive outdoor stove (or barbeque, derived from the word barbarian).

Sean Connery getting into the Christmas spirit.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The courageous gentleman

Hello all,

The other day I was taking a reflective, pipe-smoking walk around Lake Griffith when I noticed an injured swan across the water. Having introduced many foreign and dangerous creatures from my travels to Lake Griffith over the years, it is perilous to enter the lake or even to go within two fathoms of its perimeter. But did this cross my mind? Of course not! When Griffith sees another creature in distress, he does not hesitate to go to its rescue.

A picturesque view of a quiet pocket of Lake Griffith. Lake Griffith is the 4th largest naturally-occuring, fresh-water, inland lake that is contained entirely on private property in the south-western hemisphere.

So without a moment’s hesitation I dropped my pipe, stripped myself of my waistcoat and brogues and dived forth into the liquid menagerie. I will not go into the details of my battles with monstrous, pre-Jurassic fish or my capture (an subsequent escape) by an underwater colony of (what I previously thought to be peaceful) half-reptile, half-human, half-crustaceans.

While many of the underwater beings were more interesting in tending their garden than capturing me, they were ruled over by an evil despot who feasts on the meat of gentlemen.

But none of this detered me. I finally made it to the other side of the lake and the swan was healed by my gentlemanly touch. The point here is that a gentleman should have a seemingly infinite reserve of courage. The gentleman should be able to summon it at a second’s notice and do what he has to do.

William Shatner will go to any length to protect his sleeping gentlelady from this poorly dressed gremlin.

Courage, in the gentlemanly sense, can manifest itself in many forms. It does not necessarily need to be putting yourself in danger’s way to save a buxom gentlelady. Although this is preferable and normally more rewarding.

Indiana Jones, pictured here, was known for putting himself in perilous situations. His courage was unparalleled and should be held up as a beacon for all gentlemen to strive for. Also, it takes courage to make a fourth film when the script and supporting cast are terrible.

So when you are out on your daily gentlemanly adventures, never hesitate to show some chutzpah. Remember, the masses of the ungentlemanly and anti-gentlemen will cower away and it is the gentleman’s responsibility to save, help and assist wherever possible.

It takes a lot of courage to sport this bright red jacket.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The gentleman’s computer

Hello all,

Recently, computers have become a symbol of style and sophistication. This is due solely to the pioneering gentlemen of bygone years. A gentleman has a mind as sharp as a torpedo cigar and a thirst for knowledge equal to his thirst for a good Islay malt. So what better tool for the inquisitive gentleman than the computer?

Michael Caine spent many hours at state-of-the-art computers such as this to earn the right to wear those thick-rimmed glasses. He is also demonstrating the age-old alliance between computer and clip-board.

The history of the computer as we know it today is debated by “historians”. But take it from me, the gentleman invented early forms of the computer in the 1940s to bust Nazis. These computers had various functions, including breaking Nazi codes, creating databases of Nazi war criminals, and had access to the broadband internet so they could read The Gentleman Blog.

In fact, the internet was initially invented as a tool to educate the public about how to be a gentleman. The man with a bow tie and tweed jacket here is tuning up the internet with various knobs and dials.

Since the 1940s, the computer has evolved from a rudimentary Nazi-fighting box to much, much more. It is a huge industry, and as a result, much money is designated to sell computers. Some of history’s finest gentlemen have lent their name to the cause.

This computer was the first portable computer in the world. It came with a backpack, petrol fuelled generator and the optional extra of William Shatner to follow you around reciting computer-related facts he learnt on the Starship Enterprise.

Now I won’t bore you with the technical details of how computers work. You should be safe in the knowledge that there are many cogs, cranks and pulleys inside of your laptop all crunching numbers for you.

The various ingredients of a computer.

There are many situations when a person can use a computer. The gentleman will normally have his secretary or assistant type letters to important business-types and responses to invitations on his computer. But perhaps he will occasionally order a new box of Cubans over the internet or scan his hand-written journals of international exploration and intrigue for safekeeping.

This gentlelady could teach this man a thing or two about how to use a computer for more than just leaning on. Perhaps how to replace the tape (the lifeblood of a computer) like the man in the background.

And so, use the gentlemanly creation of the computer to the fullest of its ability – by cultivating your gentlemanliness on The Gentleman Blog, along with its various other not-quite-as-important capacities.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The beach gentleman

Hello there,

As we all know, summer is fast approaching and therefore many of us will be frequenting the beach. This is not just a chance to escape the heat. The beach is a perfect opportunity to display some of the gentleman’s more discreet gentlemanly styles and traits.

Sean Connery manages to fuse the nautical gentleman, the reading gentleman, the beach gentleman and the bare-and-unshaven chest gentleman into one amazing pose.

The beach is an opportunity to shed the three-piece suit and leather loafers and pull out your tight swimming briefs. Please note that gentleman do not wear Hawaiian-themed “board” shorts. If you must wear shorts, please opt for the short-shorts shown in the above picture.

Tom Selleck models the ideal swimming brief for the beach-going gentleman. The visor results from the gentleman having a sensible regard for the perils of ultra-violet radiation.

You may have realised that the beach is a good opportunity to meld many of our previous lessons in gentlemanly behaviour. This is a good time to check out our posts on nautical gentleman, a gentleman doesn’t shave his chest, a gentleman doesn’t work out, and the gentleman’s polo. The beach is like a gentleman’s exam, and with the trusty tutelage of The Gentleman’s Blog, you should be getting first-class honours all round.

Paul Newman enthusiastically poses for a photo. Just after this photo was taken, he shed his clothes to reveal tight trunks and had a sexy beach party with many women and table tennis.

Of course gentleman always take the utmost care when dealing with the sun. A gentleman is already in line for various kinds of medical complications through his other habits, so he will always apply sunscreen liberally and wear appropriate headwear.

Humphrey Bogart stops one kind of cancer while courting another. By the laws of mathematics they cancel each other out and he will never die.

Whilst on the beach, feel free to engage in the beach versions of various gentlemanly sports. Who can resist a carefree game of beach cricket? Or for a more gentlemanly feel, try out beach tennis or beach billiards. Or simply go yachting. If boating is good enough for Shatner, it’s good enough for the rest of the world’s gentlemen.

Beach A-Hoy! William Shatner and James Spader approach the beach in completely not-over-the-top gentlemanly style.

And so with that, feel free to display your gentlemanly beach style this summer.

Yours truly,

HL Griffith

A gentleman’s word is his bond

Hello,

Few things are more annoying and ungentlemanly than a person who you cannot take at their word. Once a gentleman commits to something, not even an invite from Winston Churchill to smoke from his cigar reserve can make a gentleman renege on what he has said.

Winston will be disappointed, but a gentleman’s word is his bond.

All too often, someone will organise a meeting at the local public house for a dram only to decide to turn up “fashionably late”. This ungentlemanly manoeuvre is intentional and the anti-gentleman seeks to infer that they are so popular and so busy that they cannot possibly be everywhere on time. This line of thought it fundamentally flawed. True gentlemen are, by their nature, popular and busy; but they do not make commitments they cannot keep.

Sinatra’s timing was always impeccable. We see him here with what I can only assume is the International Gentleman's Award for being a Man of his Word.

The only thing worse than someone arriving late to a rendezvous is someone not arriving at all. Vague excuses such as “something came up” are not part of the gentleman’s vocabulary. This can be a sure-fire way to identify the anti-gentleman. Be sure to alert this acquaintance to their ungentlemanly behaviour when you next see them. Consider throwing down your gauntlet as well. The anti-gentleman will run scared, but may perhaps reconsider their actions next time.

Humphrey Bogart strikes his ‘waiting for a friend to arrive’ pose while waiting at Rick's Café Américain for an ungentlemanly friend.

This, of course, does not only apply to punctuality. Anything a gentleman says must be followed through with. If someone invites you to a gathering to which you cannot attend, do not say you will go and then just not turn up, and do not say “maybe” when you know you cannot.

Gene Kelly studies the legal document “The Gentleman’s Bond” with his favourite microphone to make sure he is always the perfect gentleman.

So make sure when you say you will do something or be somewhere, you do as a gentleman does, and be a man of your word. If everyone is a gentleman, the world would be a more punctual place.

All the best,

HL Griffith

The dancing gentleman

Good day sirs and madams,

Today’s entry concerns an intriguing aspect of a gentleman’s social life. That aspect is dancing. I’m not talking about doing the Melbourne Shuffle at your local nightery. I’m talking about dancing with your favourite lady at that charitable benefit you attended on the weekend, or being overcome with joy while in the rain and just needing to dance.

Gene Kelly taught Brixley and I all we know about dancing, but we had to teach him a lot about correctly using an umbrella (c.f. Brixley's post on umbrellas).

There are few better ways to impress your lady of interest than to invite her to a rendezvous on the dancefloor (for maximum effect, actually use the word ‘rendezvous’ – it’s like having all the charm of a Frenchman just without the unpleasant odour).

Cary Grant displays his boot-scooting moves. Caution: do not attempt to pull off these moves unless you are Cary Grant.

You may have seen some modern day talkies about dancing recently. You will have seen people ‘dancing’ around in ripped jeans and dirty undershirts or some sort of fluorescent leotard. Don’t be fooled – this is not ideal dancing attire. For maximum comfort, flexibility and fashion you should wear a tuxedo (bowtie optional but preferable) or at the very least a two-piece suit.

Do not attempt to dance in a top hat and with a cane unless you’re an expert. It may lead to serious injury. Fred Astaire was, of course, the father of gentlemanly dancing and may do as he pleases.

On occasions, you may find yourself in New York and happen to be Frank Sinatra or Gene Kelly. In this case, you may wear a sailor’s outfit.

In this special case, you may wear sailor’s out fits. This has only ever happened twice (on the set of Anchors Aweigh). The likelihood of this occurring has been lowered considerably now that Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra are both dead.

And so with that, do not hesitate taking to a graceful dance as a gentleman. But remember to steer clear of anything ‘on the street’ (which has been known to involve trash can lids being used as instruments) or anything that requires you to wear a baseball cap at an angle.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

A gentleman and his fire

Good evening,

Today’s article concerns a gentleman’s mastery of the elements. In fact, one element in particular – fire. Man and fire have a long history, but fire was not fully understood or controlled by man until the gentleman came along. I will outline a few ways we have utilized it here.

Some gentleman are so good with fire that they are labelled ‘Fire Chief’ (or so I assume that to be what the title denotes).

The fireplace is an important part of every gentleman’s manor. What better way to illuminate your journal (as you recount your adventures in the Burmese jungle), set the mood for you and your lady friend, or simply be remind you that you have tamed the wild beast that is Mother Nature.

Beware. Sometimes Nazis (including attractive Austrian Nazis) are hidden behind fireplaces.

Cigars also require man to have mastered fire. We all know that the main reason a gentleman smokes a cigar is to enjoy the smooth flavours of Cuba’s finest tobacco (note: tweed has a way of nullifying nicotine receptors in the brain so a gentleman never gets addicted). Yet there is the fringe benefit of literally having fire in your mouth – a feat only a gentleman can achieve.

Churchill on the front line in (standard issue uniform). Once the English mastered movable flame, the German’s surrender was imminent. The instigation of the bow-tie as part of the uniform finished the job.

On a side note, it is obvious that ‘bogans’ can also light their cigarettes with a cigarette lighter. But a gentleman never uses a cheap safety lighter. It would be like Sinatra at karaoke – nobody wins.

To round out our short list is the candle. A gentleman will often refuse to eat with his lady if not by candlelight. Why rely on sterile electric light with your gentlemanly know how?

This gentleman is teaching his lady how to tame fire. Also, he’s not overcompensating for anything.

And with that, I shall let you go forth with your new-found knowledge and skills.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

The gentleman’s hair.

Hello there,

I recently booked myself in for a haircut and afterwards found that my usual basic wax product (gentleman don’t use fancy hair products) wasn’t getting the slickness that I so desired and my haircut deserved.

So here is a comprehensive list of the products that a gentleman should invest in when looking for the perfect hairstyle.

1. Pomade

Dapper Dan. For those who don't like Fop.

Pomade is a waxy, greasy substance that can last for days in your hair (value for money) and will make you the envy of your friends.  When the main ingredient can be lard or bear fat you know the product is good.

There have been many great technological leaps and bounds with pomade.

I am still looking for a consistent vendor for pomade products so if you know of anywhere please add a comment.

2. Brylcreem

Often thought to be called ‘brill cream’ (although you’d be horrendously wrong) brylcreem is a staple of the men’s bathroom cabinet.  Brylcreem goes on smooth and makes your hair gloss for hours and more.

Don't just let me tell you though, let this advertisement sell the products on the right.

The best thing about brylcreem is that it can be found at any supermarket (and I mean any).  If you can’t find it in the ‘hair product’ aisle of your supermarket that is because  it’s not there.  Brylcreem is usually located with the shaving equipment since it is much more gentlemanly than “garnier” hair products and the like.

This man performs a brush dance while looking very smooth. If you look at the slogan at the bottom you'll see that brylcreem can also increase your hair's I.Q.

So there you have it, a comprehensive list.

Now you have no excuse not to look as slick as Cary Grant.

G.O. Brixley