The Gentleman Blog turns two… and a bit

Hello there,
As you may well have noticed, we here at The Gentleman Blog have had a brief, yet lengthy, hiatus. This has been due to our expedition to the South Pole, where we were searching for the remainder of Ernest Shackleton’s lost scotch collection.

Scotch of the Antarctic.

After recovering an entire case of Shackleton’s scotch, which we found next to a Norwegian flag, we returned home. The journey took longer than expected, though, as we were simultaneously enjoying our bounty while navigating. You, dear reader, will be pleased to know that an entire half-bottle remains from the case, but we do not forecast it to survive the writing of this post.

Humphrey Bogart at the helm.

As such, we were at sea during The Gentleman Blog’s second birthday.  This date did not pass unnoticed by us, and we enjoyed a glass of scotch in celebration. But the cabin of our barque - HMS Humidor – is no place to write a Gentleman Blog post. And anyway, we used all our typewriter ribbon detailing the tasting notes of our newly acquired liquor, of which there is none left (as of the end of this sentence).

Cary Grant serves breakfast on the HMS Humidor.

Due to our inhibited navigational skills (partly because of our insistence on using 15th century navigational equipment) we happened to come across a previously uncharted isle. We spent the next few weeks trying to learn the indigenous language and customs. We were treated as kings, and treated our hosts as kings. It was quite confusing.

Even Ensign Yul Brynner was revered as some sort of Egyptian tzar after winning this staring competition.

We left many weeks later. After alerting Rand McNally to our discovery we were notified this isle was, in fact, the continent of South America – home to nigh on 400 million inhabitants.

First Mate Connery educates the natives.

On the final leg of our voyage home, however, we were confronted with another obstacle. Somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean we encountered the thing of gentlemen’s nightmares – an empty liquor cabinet.

Captain Shatner goes into shock and tries to order 10 scotches from an invisible barman.

After sending a distress SMS (Send More Scotch) signal, our minds were taken off the crisis by a Kraken attack. Unlike the previous catastrophe, for this we had a contingency plan – Kirt Douglas. Kirt Douglas can fight Kraken in his sleep.

Kirt Douglas sleep-walking.

Following all this commotion we made for home as quickly as is gentlemanly possible. Specifically, 110 chains per Scottish minute.

Midshipmen Sinatra, Kelly and Munshin were at sea so long they mistook these women for bottles of scotch.

So there you have it and until next time,

G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith

The Gentleman’s Australia Day

Hello there,

As Brixley and I spend our holidays in the antipodes this season, we have grown to know the Australian way of life over the past months. Australia lends itself to some of the finest gentlemanly ways. But, alas, it also falls in many alarming ways. Australia Day – Australia’s national day – shows both. Brixley and I endeavour here to right the wrongs which have been long on display.

Father of Federation, Sir Henry Parkes gets into the Australia Day spirit.

Australia Day lends itself to a healthy amount of beer consumption. This means that Australia gentlemen will put down their glasses of Scotch (for a day) and pick up their glasses of beer. The avid Australian gentleman will keep their glass of Scotch in their hand while picking up their glass of beer.

Former Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke puts down his pint of Scotch and picks up his pint of beer.

Australia Day is also a celebration of the national sports of Australia. Many Australian gentleman will partake in a game of cricket or a hit of tennis.

Don Bradman on his way to the crease in his customary three-piece. He scored 299 the day this was taken. He also played cricket.

Donald Bradman, of course, was undeniably Australia’s finest sportsman. But cricket is only one of Australia’s Summer sports.

This live-action picture of Rod Laver was taken by his opponent at the time - a camera man.

Tennis and Cricket, though, are not the only sports a coordinated Australian gentleman may partake in, though.

Rod Laver insisted on holding his tennis racquet during ballet lessons.

For those not inclined to enjoy a day of sport, the beach is a customary spot for an Australian gentleman to spend his day.

Bob Hawke displays the quintessential Australian "budgie-smuggler" and pot-belly double.

And don’t forget that however you spend your Australia Day, make sure you have plenty of gentlemanly spirit, grace and enthusiasm.

Donald Bradman's most enthusiastic supporter (pictured right) cheers him onto the ground.

And it would be remiss of us to neglect to mention the antithesis of gentlemanly behaviour that unfortunately rears its ugly head each Australia Day. It is the most ungentlemanly to:

a) Bear a Southern Cross tattoo.

f) Deriding any of the non-white citizens or visitors to this country.

b) Have a Southern Cross tattoo (even if concealed).

c) Consider getting a Southern Cross tattoo.

d) Seeing someone else with a Southern Cross tattoo and thinking anything but “what a horrendous man”.

e) Wearing the Australian flag as a garment

The most ungentlemanly man in Australia.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The spring gentleman

Hello there,

Please pardon the brief interval between articles but after discovering that I am a descendant of Mungo Park, the great Scottish explorer, I thought it only fitting to retrace his steps through Africa.  However history repeated itself and I was set upon by natives.  Luckily I had prepared for such an attack with a scuba diving set with which I might escape my forefather’s demise (and escape I did).

Mungo Park. Voted most dapper explorer three years running.

However all this fresh air has made me realise that spring is upon us once again (in fact it wasn’t the fresh air that made me realise, it was my calendar, Geeves, who told me).  Therefore it is that lovely time of the year when we gentlemen can concentrate on our golf handicap, frequent the beach and generally enjoy the outdoors to their fullest.

JFK enjoys the turning of the seasons with his wife and midget dentist.

Spring – or the latter part of it – is the prelude to summer, however the moderate temperature means that we may be more active during the fresh spring climate before it becomes too hot to even ask Geeves for a refreshing lager to be poured into your mouth.

Errol Flynn felt that the best way to experience spring was to dress up as 14th century minstrels.

If you live in the northern hemisphere you might think I’m some jabbering lunatic who has gone mad from the heat of the summer just past.  Well I’m not.  However if I was, there would be method to my madness by which you might be able to follow the seasons by catching the next flying machine south of the equator to where the fresh spring breeze wafts through the air (how a breeze wafts through air I’ll never know).

Teddy Roosevelt didn't have any time for flying machines, instead he would sail a moose downstream to South America for spring.

Of course spring is also the time when we mourn the loss of John F. Kennedy and Cary Grant.  Every gentleman has their own way of remembering these pioneers of the modern gentleman but we here at The Gentleman feel that you should play a round of golf on November 22nd to commemorate John and dress in your best grey suit for Cary later on the 29th.

William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy enjoy their spring by reanimating their favourite president and posing for an album cover.

The main thing to do during spring is to reintroduce yourself to the outdoors and put to rest the thick coats and scarves of the recently passed winter.

Harrison Ford likes to spend the fresh spring weather by playing tag with a tribe of angry natives.

The other thing to do during spring (and we have touched on briefly here) is to have a good spring clean.  Clean up your humidor and liquor cabinet by smoking and drinking their contents respectively (don’t get that mixed up).

Sean Connery kills two birds with one stone just by staring at them. Also he is smoking and drinking.

So get up, get outdoors, light up a cigar, pour yourself a Scotch, have a picnic while golfing and repeat this process until summer.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

Fighting Nazis Part 1: Infiltration

Hello there,

As you no doubt know, the natural enemy of the gentleman is of course the Nazi.  Gentlemen and Nazis have been locked in armed conflict ever since Nazis came into being, but luckily for us, gentlemen have been winning the battle.

Harrison Ford knew one or two things about fighting Nazis. However Ford needs to learn to steal uniforms of higher rank.

The main weapon that we have against Nazis is that it’s very easy to infiltrate their ranks, all you need to do is  knock a Nazi unconscious and steal his uniform (make sure you measure the Nazi up first, you want a uniform that fits).  This method is flawless and has never not worked in the battle against Nazis.

Kirk, Spock and Bones procure themselves an ensemble of Nazi uniforms. Also proof that Nazis will unfortunately exist in the distant future.

The problem that usually foils the undercover gentleman is his inability to speak German.  This isn’t a problem if you can keep your mouth shut.  However if you can’t then unfortunately there are many situations where “Gott im Himmel”, “Gesundheit” or “Neunundneunzig luftballons”
will only get you so far.

Michael Fassbender infiltrates a Nazi bar. He doesn't know any German so he just flirts with this lady by choosing a seductive gaze.

At any one point in time at least one tenth of the German army was made up of gentlemen who had infiltrated the ranks by stealing uniforms.  It even got to the point when the German army would take a break at 11 o’clock for tea.

Michael Caine turns his back on these suspicious Nazis after suggesting a game of cricket. He quickly quashed their suspicions by eating a strudel. Close one Michael.

There are a few ways that Nazis have learnt to weed out the gentlemen who have infiltrated their ranks.  The first test is to speak to possible suspects in the Queen’s English and see if the gentlemen accidentally reply in kind with perfect diction and manners.  Luckily there is a fool proof method to counteract this, simply shoot the Nazi.

Marlon Brando threateningly puts his hand near his gun as a Nazi approaches him. However he wasn't out of trouble yet.

The other problem that gives gentlemen in disguise away is that they tend to have the most immaculately maintained and well fitted Nazi uniforms, much more so than the actual Nazis.  This is because no matter how much a gentleman tries to emulate the Nazi scum, he cannot give up his love of sartorial splendour.  Therefore Brando (above) had to high tail it after the other Nazis saw his freshly laundered uniform.

Gregory Peck and David Niven had such immaculate uniforms that they were discovered instantly. Luckily for them they were the stars of this film and therefore had a favourable outcome in the script.

Now that you gentlemen know these tips on how to infiltrate the Nazis and evade capture, you can continue defending the world from fascism, prejudice and an unhealthy devotion to finding religious relics.

Harrison Ford learnt from his mistakes and stole a uniform that outranked Hitler himself. Here we see Ford order Hitler to do his homework for him. Unfortunately it was all wrong and in German.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The Leading Gentleman

Good day,

I write to you all today after a brief, enforced hiatus. This hiatus came while I documented the micro-evolution of the wild Angolan yak for an upcoming release of my zoological and botanical memoirs entitled Griffith’s Complete Lexicon of African Flora and Fauna: Revisited. I requested a typewriter from the embassy during my travels, which they provided, but unfortunately my secretary came down with a bout of abasia and hence my manuscripts were never published. They will be able to be found in future when The Gentleman Blog: The Lost Pages is released. So instead of revisiting old topics, today I will bring you some musings upon the leading man.

With four leading men all in one shot, there was always going to be tension. Here Sammy Davis Jnr exerts his dominance by winning a 'pretending to be punched' contest.

The leading man, in films, is a gentleman who plays the love interest of a leading gentlelady. He often displays heroism, charm, integrity and his old war medallions.

Sidney Potier had all these things and more: a telephone.

The role of a leading man is tailor made for the Hollywood gentleman.

James Mason was known for two things. Being a leading gentleman, reading thick manuscripts and wearing tweed. Here he does all five.

The first important trait of a leading gentleman to note is the gentleman’s natural kevorka.

Spencer Tracey is a little quizzical as Katharine Hepburn throws herself at him.

The leading gentleman also has a sharp sense of dress.

Paul Newman would tailor his own suits. Making a suit is a lot like making a salad dressing.

Some may think of the leading gentleman as boisterous and chauvinistic.  This is completely incorrect. I suggest you stop reading Germaine Greer books and instead pick yourself up a copy of Griffith’s Complete Guide to Mathematics: From e to π. It makes for much better reading. In reality, the leading gentleman is tender, helpful and respectful of the fairer sex.

David Niven teaches this gentlelady how to play table tennis. And she needs the lesson; she doesn't even know which side of the table to be on.

The leading gentleman also takes matters into his own hands when necessary, especially when it involves confrontation.

This punk got lucky, as Clint forgot his gun on his way to this confrontation.

Not to mention that the leading gentleman smokes and bathes regularly. Often simultaneously.

Clint Eastwood sure knew a thing or two about the finer things in life.

This is not to say that being a leading gentleman is restricted to the silver screen (or screens of any material, for that matter). You should be a charming, well-dressed, clean gentleman at all times. And if talkies are anything to go by, it only takes 90-100 minutes for this to result in winning the affection of the supporting gentlelady.

Joseph Cotten uses all his leading man skills to seduce the operator.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

The Winter Gentleman

Hello there,

For those of us in the antipodean hemisphere, it has become all too apparent that winter is upon us. Here I will outline the five most important items a gentleman must have to survive the colder months.

Scarf

A gentleman should have a trusty scarf. This has the dual purpose of both keeping your neck warm and also as a makeshift weapon if your arch-nemesis attacks you while you’re strolling along a cliff edge.

No one would dare attack Sean Connery now that he's armed with both a scarf and his hard-cover autobiography.

You can also use your scarf to polish your spectacles, monocle, pipe, brogues or camera lens.

Paul Newman, just after using his scarf to polish his camera-shaped pipe.

Umbrella

A gentleman should always be prepared for rain (and the requisite associated musical number). Both involve an umbrella.

Gene Kelly was over the moon when I taught him the proper way to use an umbrella. If you're wondering who he is in this photo, I've written his name in cursive next to him.

For more information on umbrellas, please check out The Gentleman’s Umbrella. You may even think of employing a wood-smith to install a compartment into the handle to conceal an emergency supply of scotch. Which brings me to my next point.

Hip Flask

If your stage-coach gets held up and cannot take you home from the theater one evening, what are you going to do? You will be as bored as a guy in a Swiss patent office if you wait for a new coach. You may have to venture home on foot or take some form of public transport. To keep you company, you should have a dram of your favourite single-malt on hand. With only emergency amounts concealed in your umbrella handle, you should also have a hip flask.

Sammy Davis Jnr. about to take a swig from his microphone-shaped hip flask. He is also singing to the crowd with a cigarette-shaped microphone.

Make sure you top your hip flask up as soon as you return home, as to never be caught dry.

Warm Coat

Of course you need a coat. You knew that. In fact you probably already have one. But there are some specifications that you need to make sure are built in. Your coat should be mostly (preferably entirely) wool and have inside breast pockets. This is where you keep your third backup scotch (after your hip flask and umbrella), important letters, envelopes, jade-figurines (for bartering with international ancient artifact merchants) and a hand-gun (for when you get on the merchant’s bad side and need to save an attractive lady, which is inevitable. This often involves traveling to the subcontinent).

Michael J. Fox is handed a letter (straight from a typical 1950s gentleman's breast pocket). Too bad Fox didn't have an umbrella, scarf or a hip flask.

Well-stocked humidor

It is a direct bi-product of winter that more scotch is consumed. Its warming qualities and (presumable) abundance in your place of residence make it perfect for the winter gentleman. Of course, a direct bi-product of drinking scotch is smoking cigars. This means that your humidor needs to be topped up immediately to see you through the cold.

This is not just a picture of a cigar and a glass of scotch. It is also a rigourous mathematical formula. And I should know, I studied the mathematics of gentleman at Oxford in the '40s.

I studied the mathematics of gentleman under the tutelage of M.S. Birch at Oxford and came up with this equality as part of my doctorate.

M.S. Birch, seen here in one of the only known photos of him, was one of the hardest working professors at Oxford. He died of a combination of liver failure and lung cancer.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

Gentleman’s best friend

Hello there,

We here at The Gentleman have talked a lot about the company that a gentleman should keep, but we have unfortunately neglected the canine component to this most complex of equations.  Since the dawn of time (when the wrist watch was invented) gentlemen and dogs have gone together like lord and peasant, both sharing the simplest of companionships that want for nothing, except a hearty steak at the end of the day (for both parties concerned).

Dogs really are a gentleman's best friend. Unfortunately they can't stop you from purchasing a terrible pair of glasses.

Dogs were invented by gentlemen many trillions of years ago for two main reasons, firstly to fetch a gentlman’s sticks for him and also to complete the fireplace setting, whereby a dog may lay down on the rug in front of the gentleman’s feet whilst he finished off another Scotch and leather bound novel.

Cary Grant went one step further and tried to teach his dog to read books by the fireplace too. He was such a good teacher his dog went on to pen several novels under the pseudonym Dan Brown.

This symbiotic relationship has lasted millennia and has benefitted the bachelor lifestyle as well as the family home.

Jimmy Stewart can't stay mad at his dog. It's those damn puppy dog eyes!

The reason dogs have been such good companions to gentlemen is because they don’t smoke all your cigars, drink all your Scotch and elope with your cousins like many a lowly grifter might.

Winston Churchill takes a rest from his stroll to enjoy a delicious cigar. His dog was called Robusto.

Dogs can also be good to get the gentleman out of the house once in a while.  Due to dogs being ferocious, wild animals, they need to go for “walkies” in which they might smell things and make love to a stranger’s leg.  This is the perfect opportunity to go to the local gardens and smoke a pipe in the shade of a tree whilst you write correspondence to your travelling gentleman friends.

Frank Sinatra liked to play cards with his dog due to the fact that the dog didn't have any sleeve with which to conceal cards. Frank still lost but at least it was honest.

Dogs can also be used in the courting of the fairer sex.  For a very masculine gentleman it is unwise to get a masculine dog (a common mistake), instead you should get a dog to counterweigh your image.  This way a lady will be able to see your softer side by showing that you can care for a creature without it perishing horribly within a week.

Sean Connery counters his immense masculinity with his small, fluffy dog. Unfortunately for him he has been married for 36 years and has had to have a dog with him the whole time (pictured)

So if you are a bachelor or a married gentleman, invest in a friend you can count on to wake you up early, demanding food and a belly rub.  And if you don’t like dogs get a cat I guess.  And if you don’t like cats, do what Salvidor Dali did.

Dali never had an ant problem in his house ever again.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

 

 

 

 

The Gentleman’s conspiracy theories: volume 1

Hello there,

Being the gentlemen that we are, we know a thing or two about conspiracy theories.  Mostly because we are the architects behind them, being in places of high authority and influence.  Therefore I thought it only fair that I let you in on the truth about some of the biggest coverups in gentlemanly history.

Paul is Dead

The first theory is that Paul McCartney died in 1966 in a an automobile accident and was replaced by a lookalike so that The Beatles could keep on making money…or albums.

The 'real' Paul McCartney was one of the more dapper members of The Beatles before the 'accident'.

This is hideously incorrect.  The real Paul McCartney isn’t dead, however he did have to leave The Beatles after an horrific cow attack.  The replacement was a porn star and part time country and western singer by the name of Leroy ‘Spanky’ Johnson, who had to be vigorously gentlemanlified by Griffith and myself to make him a respectable replacement for the real McCartney who moved to Spain.

The horrific cow attack that left the real Paul McCartney without hands.

Leroy "Spanky" Johnson before Griffith and I sculpted him into a gentleman. It look a lot of work as you can see.

The Moon Landing

This picture is so full of conspiracy that I don't know where to start.

The Moon Landing has been claimed by many “conspiracy theorists” to have been a fake that was filmed in Hollywood.  This is incorrect.  It was actually Bollywood.

A Bollywood film that has the original landing site of Apollo 11 in the background. Notice the man on the left's yellow outfit, that's a conspiracy in itself.

Due to the fact that Griffith and I possessed vast tracks of land in India at the time, we offered up one of the more barren areas to NASA to do as they pleased.

A rare cell from the original Apollo 11 landing film. Unfortunately this dance sequence was later cut due to the fact that NASA realised there weren't Bollywood dance sequences on the moon. They did their research.

Abraham Lincoln’s Assasination

Lincoln was never content being the tallest man in the room. He also needed to have the tallest hat. The 13th Amendment states than no man shall have a hat taller than Lincoln's.

Although this was before my time, my father, L.Q. Brixley did however help manufacture this one.   Lincoln had always hated the theatre and as a ploy to get out of having to watch all of Our American Cousin (which was a god awful play) he asked an adviser to get him out by “any means possible”.

A depiction of Lincoln's assassination. Notice the look of freedom captured in his eyes. Also notice that it was actually an exploding cigar that Booth shot Lincoln with.

This advisor wasn’t the brightest of sparks and hired John Wilkes Booth to fire an exploding cigar at the President so that the play would be forced to finish.  This worked fine until Lincoln saw his chance at freedom from presidency and absconded with a bar maid.

The Lincoln monument in Washington D.C. faces South America as a homage.

My father had to smooth out the whole thing and even managed to track down Lincoln who had gone to South America and was living the good life.  Lincoln stayed there until he died at the ripe old age of 100.  In his last year alive he met with Adolf Hitler who had also made it to South America in 1947.  Lincoln challenged him to a dual and won.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

Return of the gentleman impostor

Hello there,

I’m afraid we have entered a new period of darkness as the anti-gentleman has once again reared his ugly head from the abyss.  Let me recite my tale, I was on the streetcar the other day and noticed an advertisement at one of the allocated stops.  The advertisement in question made my blood boil and my skin crawl.  I am sorry readers but I must republish this advertisement so that you may know the full extent of my horror.  Behold.

This is the most incorrect thing I have seen in all my long years as a gentleman.

I will go through the parts of this advertisement that are incorrect.  Firstly (the lesser of crimes) is the name of the fragrance ‘the one gentleman’.  There is not one gentleman and this is not the only cologne he would wear if there was, in fact due to the rest of the advertisement this would be the last fragrance he would ever wear.  The second error in this advertisement (which should be a hangable offence) is to say that Matthew McConaughey is in any part a gentleman, let alone the ‘one gentleman’.

McConaughey in his natural attire. Everything in this picture is wrong even down to his broken tribal drum. If you want to make a game of it, spot all 147 offenses in this picture.

Matthew McConaughey is to gentleman as the anti-christ is to Cary Grant.  Some small points to back this up are that Matthew waxes his chest, never wears a collared shirt (it has been superimposed in the above advertisement), sports sleeveless t-shirts, has terrible diction, wears head scarfs and another 95 reasons that you can read in my open letter to Dolce & Gabbana “100 reasons that Matthew McConaughey isn’t a gentleman”.

The anti-gentleman in his element. Notice his horribly waxed chest, ungentlemanly sunglasses and boorish, slack-jawed expression.

The once reputable brand of Dolce & Gabbana has now been sullied for eternity due to their incomprehensible choice of celebrity endorsement.  I know you, as well as I, have been shocked by this egregious crime towards gentlemen and the above images are shocking and grotesque to say the least, so I will now leave you with images of actual gentleman so you can leave this post with your mind at rest.

Don Draper's expression when he views this advertisement. Notice his silent anger and clenched jaw not only for the affront to gentlemen everywhere but also from an advertising perspective.

Paul Newman had to walk off his anger and stand hapless in front of this private investigator's office tossing up whether to pursue the persons behind this offense.

Sean Connery took this advertisement especially badly. Here he just stared for hours wondering 'why?'... 'Why?!'

Tom Selleck. He's not happy.

As long as we gentlemen band together we will be able to fight back against this attack on our culture and couture.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The oratory gentleman

Good afternoon,

The art of public speaking is a highly valued skill. If I had to place a value upon it, it’d be somewhere between four hundred thousand Dutch francs and 13 million Italian lira. You do the maths.

Nevertheless, a gentleman should be a skilled orator. You never know when you will be called on to deliver a gracious speech about the host of a soiree or if you will have to talk your way out of a hostage situation if the Reform Club is stormed by Nazis.

JFK takes a few minutes out of his yachting schedule to deliver an inspirational speech. I believe the speech concerned the importance of yachts and yacht-related activities.

A good speech is made up of many diverse and multifarious characteristics. It should be inspiring, motivating, stimulating, encouraging, influential and extremely long.

Winston Churchill gives a long and detailed speech concerning the history of the mortar board.

Let us not forget, though, that a speech should be delivered with purpose. That purpose may be to inspire, be gracious, entertain or teach. Or, in some cases, all four at once. When I received my honourary Academy Award for my tireless service to cinema (for setting up Griffith’s Silent Film School), I gave what was regarded as the longest – and hence best – acceptance speech in the award’s history.

Martin Luther King orating to Apollo Creed - amongst others - about how to deliver the perfect upper cut.

Once you have perfected your orating ability, as a respected gentleman, you will have to deliver speeches to thousands, perhaps trillions, of people. But just like a gentleman does not get nervous landing an out-of-control aircraft, a gentleman does not get nervous speaking to large crowds.

James Stewart, while an excellent actor, found it hard to act as though he could not orate to this judge. This is because James Stewart - a gentleman - can orate in any situation.

So don’t forget to cultivate your orational skills so you can deliver a rousing speech at the next party, soiree or Congressional meeting you attend.

And of course Shatner sometimes delivered speeches (not pictured here).

Until next time,

HL Griffith