The gentleman’s Christmas music

Hello all!

I was on the elevator at my department store – “Griffith’s” – the other day and was pleased to hear the Christmas music I had chosen. On my frequent excursions to rival department stores (to scope out the competition and spike their perfumes with an extract of Amorphophallus Titanium that I acquired in Sumatra) I realised that many people are yet to come around to the gentleman’s Christmas music.

Nat King Cole sings Christmas classics including 'The First Noel', 'Silent Night' and 'and many more'.

You see, the gentleman did not invent Christmas carols, as you might have thought. In fact, gentleman can not stand Christmas carols. I can hear what you’re saying: “You’re mad, Griffith! Some of history’s finest gentlemen have lent their voices to Christmas carols!”. This is true, but you have missed the whole point of the gentleman’s foray into caroling. Gentlemen in the 1920s were tired of being ostracized by their dislike of popular Christmas songs of the time. It pained them because gentlemen enjoy the festive season as much as the next man. So what else to do but bring a touch of gentlemanly class to the genre?

Dean Martin gets into the Christmas spirit. What other explanation is there for a red, dotted suit?

So high-ranking and well-known gentlemen from all over were recruited to serenade to the masses. They included Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole and Dean Martin. This may tempt you to think that Michael Buble or Elton John are amongst these fine gentlemen just because they have released Christmas albums. I cannot stress how incorrect this is. As your punishment, you must now listen to their albums in entirety. Also, please reread the Gentleman Impostor post.

Sinatra gathers his gentleman friends and records one of many Christmas albums. He is also demonstrating the gentleman's bread-and-butter pose of coat-over-the-shoulder-and-looking-back pose.

Christmas songs were, of course, designed by monks or some such person many years ago. And the gentleman has since revolutionized the carol to be pleasing to the gentleman’s ear. While most of these songs could be transformed by the solo genius of Sinatra et al., for some carols the bland melody and trite words had to be performed by more than one gentleman to make it pleasing to other gentleman’s ears. You see, when many gentlemen come together as one, the sheer force of their scotch and cigary odour will overcome the tackiness of many Christmas songs.

The Rat Pack take a journey into the third dimension for the good of gentleman-kind.

So thanks to previous gentleman’s efforts, we now have gentleman-friendly music to enjoy and get into the spirit of Christmas with. What better way to enjoy a festive evening than with your pipe, your Chesterfield, a warm fire place (for those of us in the Old World), a refreshing Scotch and some gentleman crooning a carol on your gramophone.

Bing Crosby looking perfectly natural and relaxing in his living quarters.

And don’t forget, the gentleman’s expedition into Christmas music did not stop in the 1950s. The Beatles released no fewer than (in fact, exactly) seven Christmas albums. Unfortunately since then the genre has since slipped from the gentleman’s monopoly.

The Beatles' second in a seven part anthology of critically-acclaimed Christmas masterpeices. The only thing more critically-acclaimed than their Christmas albums were their suits and hairstyles.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

Gentlemen in “rock and roll”

Hello there,

During the 1960s when smoking was still legal and the mods and the rockers beat each other senseless due to their varying hairstyles, a new breed of gentleman was born into the music of rock and roll.

Herman's Hermits were always gentlemen when out on the town. Please note that Herman was less of a hermit than his name suggests.

Now I’m not talking about Elvis as he was a racist who indulged in fast food and fast women (and a rocker), I’m talking about British rock music.

The Beatles, seen here showing off their drainpipes whilst wearing matching suits (a prerequisite for rock music)

These bands, although rebellious in the eyes of their parents were still – by today’s unfortunately low standard – the utmost gentlemen.

The Rolling Stones: Ever the gentlemen in their matching tweed suits and flying V formation.

Now we have heard about he styles of music that a gentleman listens to (In Music to a Gentleman’s Ears), but if a gentleman must listen to a more upbeat style of music than orchestral but with less instruments than big-band swing there is only one option.  No it is not “trance” “music” (I challenge the authenticity of both these terms).  The correct answer is British rock.

The Animals, don't let the name deceive you though, they were good to their mothers and were more evolved than most of today's "rock" "artists" (Nickleback, Good Charlotte and the like) and with better suits

The British certainly did not invent rock and roll but they did know how to make it popular.  This was possible due to the fact that at that time in history Britannia ruled the waves which encompassed the airwaves as well as the tides and estuaries.

The Kinks at an estuary. Known for their eyesight, The Kinks could spot trouble from well over 3 English miles. Also they played music.

The Kinks seen here playing rock music. Notice their matching double breasted suits, a must for any aspiring musician. Please note that Dave Davies (far left) was part Leprechaun and therefore his ridiculous hat was heritage listed.

The prerequisite when listening to rock music is to see if all the members (there must only be between 4-5 members of a group) are wearing matching attire.  If they are, then you can rest tight that the music is adequate for a gentleman’s ears.

Manfred Mann are caught unawares by this photographer whilst wearing turtleneck sweaters with suits. It was the style at the time.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

How to hold yourself like a gentleman.

Hello there,

I walk around town these days and see many men slouching, dragging their feet or generally holding themselves in an uncouth stupor.  This must be corrected.

You don't see Sean Connery slouching when he stands in front of vintage automobiles looking wistfully into the distance.

A gentleman always holds himself as if the Queen was pinching his hindquarters; straight back and shoulders with a clenched buttocks.  The hunchback of Notre Dame wasn’t going around being a gentleman in his state, and not because he was a hunchback but because he was a Frenchman.

David Bowie in his "gentleman's detective" look demonstrates the 'one hand in the coat' pose while shadowing a man with a briefcase

A gentleman doesn’t lean against a wall as if he is selling crack,  he stands up straight as if he’s selling manners by the ounce (NB: manners aren’t a tangible good).

Paul Newman shows how to properly hang your coat over your shoulder. Here he ponders what other styles of salad dressing he should invent when he gets home.

How one holds oneself reflects greatly on the sort of person they are.  Even though one may be dressed to the nines like a gentleman, if they drag their feet along the ground they should be sterilised for the good of gentleman-kind.

Michael Caine shows the proper way to stand by a fireplace. This is an important stance for a gentleman since at least one quarter of a his life will be spent standing next to a fireplace.

In the book The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the evil Mr. Hyde would shrink and slink around like a demon of the night (contrary to popular depictions Mr. Hyde wasn’t a large monster; that was the Incredible Hulk), and don’t think for a moment that Robert Louis Stevenson wasn’t a complete gentleman at all time.  I said don’t.

Clark Gable shows how to stand at a fireplace when there is no fireplace.

Whether it  be free standing, against a fireplace, against a wall, with your coat over your shoulder or leaning against your fine automobile, a gentleman must always hold himself in a way that befits his gentlemanly manners and fine clothes.

Sean Connery shows how to lean again an automobile whilst in a suit.

And if you’re like Sean Connery, you must master the automobile lean.

Sean Connery showing the more casual automobile pose.

So there you have it,

G.O. Brixley

The dancing gentleman

Good day sirs and madams,

Today’s entry concerns an intriguing aspect of a gentleman’s social life. That aspect is dancing. I’m not talking about doing the Melbourne Shuffle at your local nightery. I’m talking about dancing with your favourite lady at that charitable benefit you attended on the weekend, or being overcome with joy while in the rain and just needing to dance.

Gene Kelly taught Brixley and I all we know about dancing, but we had to teach him a lot about correctly using an umbrella (c.f. Brixley's post on umbrellas).

There are few better ways to impress your lady of interest than to invite her to a rendezvous on the dancefloor (for maximum effect, actually use the word ‘rendezvous’ – it’s like having all the charm of a Frenchman just without the unpleasant odour).

Cary Grant displays his boot-scooting moves. Caution: do not attempt to pull off these moves unless you are Cary Grant.

You may have seen some modern day talkies about dancing recently. You will have seen people ‘dancing’ around in ripped jeans and dirty undershirts or some sort of fluorescent leotard. Don’t be fooled – this is not ideal dancing attire. For maximum comfort, flexibility and fashion you should wear a tuxedo (bowtie optional but preferable) or at the very least a two-piece suit.

Do not attempt to dance in a top hat and with a cane unless you’re an expert. It may lead to serious injury. Fred Astaire was, of course, the father of gentlemanly dancing and may do as he pleases.

On occasions, you may find yourself in New York and happen to be Frank Sinatra or Gene Kelly. In this case, you may wear a sailor’s outfit.

In this special case, you may wear sailor’s out fits. This has only ever happened twice (on the set of Anchors Aweigh). The likelihood of this occurring has been lowered considerably now that Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra are both dead.

And so with that, do not hesitate taking to a graceful dance as a gentleman. But remember to steer clear of anything ‘on the street’ (which has been known to involve trash can lids being used as instruments) or anything that requires you to wear a baseball cap at an angle.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The courteous gentleman

Hello friends,

I have noticed recently that most men show little courtesy to others. For instance, doors are everywhere, and it is a gentleman’s duty to hold the door.

This gentleman is helping his lady friend into his car. She is not only impressed by this gentlemanly action, but also his double-breasted suit, dapper hair and state-of-the-art vehicle. (please note this picture did feature in a previous post but with a less informative caption)

A gentleman will always shake a man or woman’s hand upon meeting them – especially for the first time. It may be the main reason for the spread of the common cold, which, in turn, kills hundreds of people per year, but a gentleman honours courtesy first and foremost.

Sinatra will shake this open-collared man’s hand because he’s a gentleman. But he doesn’t have to like it.

We already know much a gentleman enjoys a scotch/martini, but always remember that when with company, pour other’s drinks first.

Bogart almost quit Casablanca when pouring Ingrid Bergman’s drink was left out of the script. Luckily, it was re-included when the screenwriters realised their folly (they were subsequently fired).

We must also always look out for the well-being and safety of others when we are in their company. As gentleman (a.k.a. pillars of society), it is our duty to take responsibility in dangerous situations.

While Shatner did star in the popular television show TJ Hooker - where he played a policeman - this photo is not from the show.

So remember when in polite company, it is a gentleman’s gentlemanly responsibility to watch out for other gentleman and gentleladies’ comfort and well-being.

Clarke Gable on patrol behind Carole Lombard, making sure there is nothing dangerous on the floor.

Make it so,

H.L. Griffith

A gentleman’s literature

Hello,

For many, literary exploration ends once the last page of Harry Potter or The Da Vinci Code is turned. This should not be so! A gentleman has many a plethora of intriguing and sophisticated reading to feast his brain upon.

Cary Grant knows a little bit about the finer things in life. A pipe, book and a glass of scotch (scotch not pictured here).

The works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle are a good place to start. If you can’t trust a man who is known by all three of his names, then whom can you trust? Just take a look at this fine specimen of gentleman.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The moustache, waistcoat and scholarly pose all make this the picture (quite literally) of a gentleman. He was also enjoying a scotch when this picture was taken (scotch not pictured).

A gentleman’s literature also has gentlemanly protagonists. Have you ever known a private detective not to be a perfect gentleman?

Inspector Clouseau is distracted while he inspects his scotch with his trusty magnifying glass (scotch not pictured).

What better way to relax after a long day than to pour a scotch, light your pipe, loosen your tie and read a leatherback?

Sinatra liked books so much that he insisted one be written about him. What better picture for the front cover than Sinatra enjoying a scotch (scotch not pictured).

And what better way to start a day than read up on the news in between sips of Earl Grey (or scotch)?

JFK starts his day with a phone call from his mum, a quick flick through the newspaper and a scotch (scotch not pictured).

And finally, we all know William Shatner enjoys nothing more than sitting in front of his fire with a good book and a scotch.

William Shatner reading a book at great distance whilst having a Scotch suppository. The future is indeed a strange place.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

Gentlemen don’t shave their chests.

Hello there,

As I have previously mentioned, due to the earth’s rotation, summer is on it’s way.  This being the case I have noticed an alarming trend among adult males in that some of them have started to shave or wax their chests.

Sean Connery showing off his gentlemanly foliage.

This is quite possible the most ungentlemanly thing one can do.  Why would one want a hairless chest?  It doesn’t make sense to my gentlemanly brain.

It has been proven that chest hair attracts women in a 500m radius. So why get rid of it?

If anything a man should want more hair on their chest so that they can one day get to the Sean Connery level of chest hair.

Alec Baldwin reached the Sean Connery level and just kept going. Well done Alec.

Now I understand that not all gentlemen can grow chest hair, and I feel for them, but to remove the chest hair you have for some unknown purpose is unjustified and ungentlemanly.

You too could look like Tom Selleck, answering a phone on a beach. A little known fact is that Tom Selleck's chest hair is a legally protected rainforest.

The only reason I can fathom as to why a gentleman would shave his chest would be to try to grow it back thicker the next time.  However this is an old wives tale and shouldn’t be tested.

Paul Newman (middle) was always jealous of Robert Redford's (right) chest hair. Here, Newman has to play table tennis whilst Redford sneaks away to the beach to hit the surf and generally impress people with his chest hair.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The gentleman’s “Movember”

Hello there,

As you may or may not know, in a few days ‘Movember’ will start.  Movember of course is a charity event whereby men grown moustaches, get donations, and the proceeds go to men’s health charities.

However the gentleman should be wary when partaking in such an event due to the heavy influx of bogans to such a hirsute undertaking.  Therefore I have compiled a small list to help the gentlemen of Movember choose an adequate moustache to match their gentlemanly lives.

1. The Full Moustache

A very robust moustache. Tom Selleck has won many a duel using only his moustaache.

The full moustache should only be attempted by the most virile gentleman as it is quite hard to grow within the confines of a month.  However if you can grow, full speed ahead.

2. The Cigar Moustache

Gomez Addams. He knew what was going on.

The Cigar Moustache isn’t as thick or wide as the the Full Moustache and should be worn at all times with a cigar in the hand.  This moustache is good for those who like to smoke cigars (everyone).

Although Groucho Marx used grease to paint on a moustache for many years he grew an actual moustache in his Autumn years. He was also the pioneer of the Cigar Moustache.

For a little more style you can always accentuate the middle of the moustache.

Paul Newman enjoys a cigar with a slightly more formal version of the Cigar Moustache.

3. The Pencil Moustache

The Pencil Moustache is a fail safe moustache for the gentleman.  It is packed full of charisma, style and sex appeal.

Clark Gable invented the Pencil Moustache to accompany his 'thousand mile stare' (shown here).

The Pencil Moustache can come in a variety of widths.

The Thicker style.

Here we see Cary Grant sporting a thicker style of Pencil. He accompanies this with a delicately placed lock of hair on his brow.

The Thinner Style.

Errol Flynn wears the thinner style of Pencil Moustache. This style is a winner with the ladies based on a census of women who slept with Errol Flynn.

So there you have it.  A gentleman’s guide to choosing a moustache for ‘Movember’.  If you want to sign up just go to this site and register     http://au.movember.com/?home

G.O. Brixley

The gentleman’s honour

Hello there,

As we all know, the gentleman is an honourable being.  Be it keeping his word, giving up his seat for a lady or letting the women and children off the sinking steam-liner first, the gentleman will always do the honourable thing.

However what happens when someone brings dishonour to a gentleman by besmirching his good name or trying to steal his wife?  Well, of course we have ourselves a good old fashioned duel on our hands.

Two knights fight over the spelling of the word honourable/honorable (the one that lost was an American.)

There are many forms with which one (or in this case two) can have a duel but first and foremost how does one initiate a duel?  Simple.  You take off your gauntlet and throw it on the ground.  Of course if you’re not in a full suit of armour a glove will suffice and one should slap their chosen opponent across the face with it.

Two men prepare to fight. Notice the x-ray goggles they wear to see their opponents vital organs.

Once the challenge has been accepted, the form in which it shall be undertaken is agreed upon.  Originally the duel was on horseback and involved knights but soon evolved to sabers and feathery hats whereby the participants either fought to the death, to first blood (not Rambo) or the less honourable way of a forfeit whereby the loser is banished from town and his residence given to gypsies.

An alternative to this was ‘pistols at ten paces’.  Each challenger would take a pistol and march ten paces away from one another, turn and fire.  This could go on for three rounds or until someone was injured or killed.  Any more than three rounds is barbaric and both offenders would have their residence given to gypsies.

Two men about to duel on whether or not beige is an adequate winter colour for a gentleman.

Going on this method is the less conventional dueling from hot air balloons using blunderbusses.  Traditionally this method is only employed when between a Frenchman and the German.

Only the French and Germans could come up with something like this.

This system of dueling also evolved into the balloon race.  Whereby the two challengers would have to circumnavigate the globe.  This traditionally is accompanied with many hijinks and hilarity.

One condition was that they had to get a souvenir from every country they landed in. Usually a doll filled with diamonds.

There are also duels where each member gets to choose their own weapon from an array and fight until the death.  This is typically employed on planet Vulcan where Kirk had to fight Spock, or in Futurama where Fry had to fight Zoidberg.  In these instances a traditional combat song is played to get people in the spirit of the duel.

Can Kirk survive Pon farr? Yes.

So there you have it.  If someone brings dishonour to your good name, don’t cry about it, challenge them to a duel.

G.O. Brixley

The friendly gentleman

Hello there,

They say that you can tell a lot about a person by the company he keeps, and the same goes for a gentleman.  A gentleman’s friends should reflect the standards and morals that they themselves try to uphold.

 

There wasn't anything these three friends wouldn't do for one another, even break the prime directive...about 70 times.

 

A gentleman’s friend is not just a person who one shares a cigar and Scotch with, it runs much deeper than that.  The bond that unites a gentleman with his friends is one of trust, understanding and camaraderie.

 

A good friendship forged over cigars and Scotch.

 

Of course a gentleman will have many acquaintances that he will mingle with at the soirees, gala celebrations, golf tournaments and coronations he attends but will reserve his more intimate dialogue to the inner sanctum of his friendships.

 

Blood is thicker than water for the President and his advisor.

 

It goes without saying that a gentleman and his friends don’t lie to one another.  There are of course exceptions to every rule and that is a gentleman may lie if it is to help the war effort, stop incrimination of another or for their own safety.

 

Virtuosos, gentlemen, brothers, friends.

 

So there it is.  May you spend your time in good company with good Scotch and a damn fine smoke.

G.O. Brixley