The gentleman’s picnic

Hello there,

There are many common misconceptions about picnicking and we here at The Gentleman thought it was as good a time as any to once and for all set the record straight.  As you well know it is now spring in the southern hemisphere, and if you haven’t headed south of the equator yet you are missing out on the prime season for picnicking.  There are only 6 months of spring each year (if you migrate) and so you should capitalise on this short period of picnic weather while it is still here.

Cary Grant and Grace Kelly missed their opportunity to picnic in spring and have to opt for a blue screen projection of spring instead.

One of the main misconceptions about a picnic is that you need a picnic rug, this is hogwash.  As you can see from the picture above, you can picnic in most forms of transport as long as they are open air.  As long as you’re outdoors and have an alcoholic beverage on hand you’re within your right to claim it be a picnic.

Sam informs a mortified Humphrey Bogart that since he is not outside, he is technically not having a picnic.

The other myth is that a picnic has to happen on land.  As long as you are within 20 furlongs of land (and not in salt water) you can classify yourself as being ‘on a picnic’.

Sean Connery demonstrates how to picnic on water whilst fishing for Dom Perignon .

This brings me to my next point, as this is a sequentially written article.  There are 4 items that must be present at any picnic to make you secure in the knowledge that you are in fact on a picnic.  These items are not concrete but all of them have an alcohol percentage of between 4-60%.

Don Draper makes sure he is definitely on a picnic by placing himself as close as he can to the magic beer chilling crate.

There are of course other parameters for having a picnic, one of which is the time of day.  You cannot have a picnic at night, however you can have a picnic that starts during the day and due to unforeseen merriment crosses over to the night.  The one thing to avoid is sleeping the night at the picnic as you have now crossed the border into what is considered ‘camping’.

Shatner, Kelley and Nemoy tread a fine line between picnicking and camping.

Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin pushed the boundaries of what is considered a picnic.  While most people stick to simple picnic games like badminton and the like, Sinatra and Martin would play golf.

Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin enjoying a picnic of 18 holes.

It is also not unheard of to have themed picnics.  This of course does not change the definition of a picnic as long as you are outdoors and a have drink in your hand.

Michael Caine at a themed picnic. Here he is seen grabbing an orange for the Old Fashioned he just mixed while receiving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

The main thing when at a picnic is to not worry about whether your poor excuse for having a glass of champagne outside, during the day, is classified as a picnic, but more to enjoy yourself.  Also remember to always clean up after yourself.

Ernst Hemingway would get rid of his picnic beer cans by kicking them into outer space.

So there you have it, and since it is the season, go forth and picnic.

G.O. Brixley

The solitary gentleman

Hello there,

You may have noticed that we here at The Gentleman have been conspicuously aloof lately.  This is not because we do not hold our readers in the highest regard, in fact quite the opposite.  It is however, due to our busy social schedules, what with all the soirees, galas, jubilees, affairs and receptions.  For the next week, though, no foreign diplomats, dignitaries, tycoons or monarchs have requested our time. So we will both be using our free week to get back in touch with our inner gentleman.

Cary Grant gathers his thoughts via a gentlemanly pose whilst enjoying a delicious beverage.

There are of course many pastimes that a gentleman can occupy his time with by himself.  A solo round of golf can clear a gentleman’s head from all the hubbub of day-to-day life.

Clark Gable enjoys a champion’s breakfast before heading to the golf club.

You may have fallen behind on the classics so why not consult the blueprints of your mansion to find the library and reading room, blow some dust of a heavy book and stare longingly into the fire as you turn the pages.

Frank Sinatra builds up the courage to tackle his “to-read” list.

If you are up-to-date with your literary pursuits why not try your hand at refining your strategic mind by studying the chess masters or dealing a hand of solo whist.

Michael Caine mixes himself a Solo Whist.

If you’re not partial to a hand of cards then why not head to your observatory and witness the celestial motion of the heavens and beyond.

Jimmy Stewart never liked telescopes.

Once you have contemplated the mysteries of the universe why not head from your observatory to the conservatory and contemplate the mysteries of this world.

Humphrey Bogart heads to his conservatory (AKA his humidor) where the humidity is always a constant 70%, just like Havana.

If you don’t like to swelter at the same humidity of the cigar you are currently smoking then why not head to the gardens for a refreshing drink and  a three piece suit.

Sean Conney is dissatisfied with his Mint Julep.

Then main point is, when you are as constantly engaged as many gentlemen are, you must find time to get back to the basics.  Failing that, enjoy a cigar with a few good lugs of your favourite Islay Scotch and recharge your gentlemanly batteries.

Clint Eastwood makes it his business to get some “alone” time.

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O Brixley

H.L Griffith

How to stay warm this Winter

Hello there,

As I look out my window I am constantly reminded of Scotland, where the rain fall is high and the temperature low.  But don’t despair, we here at The Gentleman take it as our personal mission to help you, the reader, in every possible way we can.  So let us tell you how to keep warm this Winter.

I'll give you a hint. Go into your private distillery and you're getting warmer in every sense of its meaning.

Step one is to pour yourself a stiff drink, preferably Scotch but if Scotch isn’t available then try Scotch.

Scotty astutely demonstrates step one.

Step two is to repeat step one numerous times until you don’t feel cold but are still in complete control of your gentlemanly faculties.

Errol Flynn can be excused for having one too many Scotches every now and then.

Now I know what you’re thinking but no, we aren’t geniuses (we are but not for this reason), the knowledge that alcohol has many magical properties including but not limited to keeping warm and fuelling the body is common knowledge.

The Saint Bernard was the real genius in this case.

Every gentleman who has ever climbed to the snowy peak of a mountain (every gentleman) knows the beauty of a stiff drink from a Saint Bernard.  In fact the Saint Bernard dog was called as such because Saint Bernard himself was the patron Saint of dog collars and miniature barrels of Scotch.

Michael Caine beats the cold by dressing up in his favourite uniform (with cravat) and saying a toast to Saint Bernard.

Some of you gentleman out there may be thinking that this method of temperature control is well known, but you would be surprised.

Sean Connery only got half the memorandum we sent him about "Alcohol and Warmth". Here he is having Scotch sponged onto him. Silly Sean.

But after conclusive studies we can safely say that consuming alcohol is the most effective way to battle the cold (studies carried out by Sean Connery).

That's better Sean, although your drink is in the other hand.

Not only will you save on your heating bill (the price of firewood and coal to fuel your many fireplaces) but you will also get the benefits that alcohol has to offer, like strengthening the kidneys and liver.  Just ask any doctor .

Don Draper finishes off a prescription that his doctor gave him. Just what the doctor ordered.

So take off your London Fog trench and get into a peaty Scotch this winter.

Bing Crosby, Grace Kelly and Frank Sinatra stay warm during this blizzard by toasting Saint Bernard with a drink.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

A gentleman knows his way around a kitchen

Hello there,

It has occurred to me whilst perusing the current television listings that there is a strong push for people to be able to do all manner of things in the kitchen. This is both unnecessary and time-consuming since no one should actually know how to etouffe a meal or know when to use veloute. However this does not mean a gentleman shouldn’t know his way around a kitchen.

Clint Eastwood used to surround himself with utensils and cooking devices while he peeled his soon-to-be dinner. It was to intimidate the food.

Like all other animals, gentlemen must also eat and therefore must known how to cook (preferably one of the aforementioned animals). However he shouldn’t have to know French in order to say the dish he is creating (nor should anyone need to know French for that matter).

Jimmy Stewart goes to the fridge to gather the ingredients for tonight's steak. Notice how he refrigerates his cigarettes.

The main utensils that a gentleman will use will be a pan and a flame in which to put the pan on. Once this has been accomplished any number of things may go in the pan, ranging from bacon to lamb via beef.

Paul Newman was known for his ability to cook without the aid of trousers. Quite a talent

Once this is cooked lightly a gentleman can put the contents of the pan on a plate and voila, he has just cooked a meal. Once this base level of culinary expertise has been perfected, a gentleman may enter the next level.

Frank Sinatra employs his gigantic kitchen to make a simple sandwich. In hindsight Sinatra ponders whether he may have gone overboard.

This level includes pasta dishes, curries, stir-fries and stews. They are all just variations on a theme whereby you cook the meat as per level one, then add something else to make it look fancy (sauce, rice, pasta and other non meat products).

Dean Martin and John Wayne move to the next level with this pasta dish. The dish ended up being ruined and they ordered take-away, but at least they tried.

Don’t worry about spoiling the non-meat foodstuffs in your meal since they are most likely rubbish anyway.

Shatner and Nemoy consume a dish they prepared on the Starship Enterprise. However the kitchen was a prop and their dish was hideously undercooked.

After the meal is created, simply pour yourself a healthy Scotch and consume.  So remember, you don’t need to be a foul-mouthed Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen, just a plain old gentleman.  Being a masterchef doesn’t always impress the fairer sex.

Errol Flynn goes overboard with this feast. Marian is not impressed, he should have stuck to a simple pasta. If you look closely he even put chilis in the fruit bowls, a fatal error (especially if you allergic to chilis)

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The Gentleman’s 100th article

Hello there,

Today is a momentous day in the history of The Gentleman Blog. No it’s not Talk Like William Shatner Day or some such; it is in fact the 100th anniversary of the birth of The Gentleman Blog (if you measure time in posts by The Gentleman Blog. I know we do. Obviously, in our gentleman units, 1 The Gentleman Blog post = 1 gentleman’s year). So to commemorate our Mahogany jubilee (a milestone only ever reached by The Gentleman), both Griffith and Brixley will be collaborating to take you through a typical day in the life here at The Gentleman.

Morning ablution

A gentleman gets up at precisely 7:24am every morning. This is because 7:24am is the exact time that the morning broadsheet is delivered. After a quick perusal of global affairs, a gentleman will prepare himself for the day to come.

After our separate morning routines (Brixley at Castle Brixley and Griffith at Griffith Manor), we meet at Sean Connery’s residence. Sean is, as always, running behind schedule (due to the immense amount of body hair he must trim and his claim that he works on ‘Scottish time’).

Sean Connery must let his chest hair dry before donning a starched white shirt. Notice his "half nelson" shaving technique.

The mid-morning round of golf

Following breakfast (which consisted of three fingers of Islay Malt and the best part of a smoked kipper), Sean inevitably suggests a round of golf. We were hesitant at first because he’d had a temper the past few days, but relented. Today was like any other, but we’ve learned to laugh.

Sean takes this triple bogey in his stride.

Morning Tea

After our tranquil round of golf we receive an invitation for morning tea at William Shatner’s beachfront acting academy.  We take Brixley’s old Ford Model-T while Griffith gives directions and Sean straightens out his sand wedge in the back seat (see above).

After morning tea Shanter performs his avante garde take on Hamlet. It goes for 37 seconds.

Lunch with Bogart.

From here we leave Shatner and Connery to their devices whilst we touch base with our old friend Humphrey Bogart.  He hasn’t been feeling well recently and so Brixley and Griffith take time out of their busy schedule to check up on him.  He served us up some fricasseed wild boar followed by wild boar pudding.

Bogart has so much time on his hands he can't decide which pastime to win more trophies in; boar hunting, tennis, golf, miniature yachting, archery, fishing, polo, smoking a pipe whilst gazing at self portraits or boar hunting.

We told him to take his dog for a walk as it seemed rather restless.

Digestifs by the pool

From Bogart’s we rendezvous with Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe at the local pool to relax and enjoy a selection of single malt scotch followed by some single malt scotch.

Grant can't believe how pale Monroe is. Although due to Cary Grant's jet-setting he has spent 237 hours in direct sunlight during the last two days.

Afternoon tea

From the pool we take the street car to 10 Downing Street London where we have been invited by Winston Churchill for some afternoon tea.  Afternoon tea for Churchill consists of two Churchill sized cigars and an never-ending glass of scotch.  This is precisely what the doctor ordered after our swim (in fact Churchill’s personal chef is a doctor and therefore this statement is to be taken literally).

During our mid-afternoon stroll, Churchill receives an important call on his iPhone from F.D. Roosevelt (Roosevelt believed Churchill to have cheated at Words with Friends)

Dinner

We bid Churchill adieu and took the short steam-engine ride to New York where JFK and we were honourary speakers at a roast for Jimmy Stewart.

Here we see JFK telling a particularly risque tale about Stewart during the filming of Rear Window. Little did JFK know that Stewart would be roasting him not 3 months later. Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (this is particularly applicable to JFK since his house was indeed made entirely of glass).

After Dinner

From New York we ferried to Las Vegas to catch a midnight Sinatra show at the Sands.  Afterward throwing some craps with Sinatra we made a brief stop (via underground mafia tunnel) to his house for a nightcap.

Sinatra not only knew how to throw craps, he could also scoop up the four of diamonds with a long shovel whilst interrupting this poker tournament.

After tucking Sinatra into bed Brixley and Griffith make their way via flying machine back to their respective abodes for some well earned rest, ready for another day of cross-continental engagements with dead celebrities.

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith

The Islay Gentleman

Hello,

While perusing the past posts of The Gentleman Blog I was shocked to realise that we do not have a post addressing the important gentlemanly past time of enjoying scotch. Yes, we can articles on enjoying a drink, making a martini, and upon searching our articles 44 of them contained the word ‘scotch’. So it only seems fitting that we dedicate a full piece of verbosity to the elixir.

Breakfast.

We first must clear up a few myths surrounding scotch. First of all, there are two main categories of scotch – blended and single malt. There are few situations which favour a blended scotch over a single malt. One of these situations might be if aliens crash land on earth and demand one type of scotch to fuel their scotch-fueled-spacecraft back to their galaxy. The intelligent gentleman will obviously offer up their blended scotch reserves so they can enjoy a world of only single malt and the extra-terrestrials can get home. Everyone’s a winner.

Sean Connery gazes into the distance, day-dreaming of a world where all scotches are single malt.

The second misnomer is that you shouldn’t drink scotch every day. You should. I spoke to a man at a soiree once who said he was a doctor and he was drinking a scotch. So it must be true.

This doctor tells the nurse to get him 500cc's of an Islay single malt for his patient.

Some people will tell you that the best thing for your headache after a night out at your favourite bar is to drink a lot of water and take an aspirin. They probably mean well, but this person should not be trusted. You should drink more scotch to alleviate the headache. If your headache gets worse or you can’t stomach the scotch, that is probably because you are not drinking enough of it. Try doubling the dose.

After overindulging at a soiree the night before, these mad men make sure they carry around a glass of scotch with them everywhere just in case that headache returns.

It is also possible that the person suggesting you drink water is not familiar with the differences between water and scotch. This can be forgiven. I, myself, did not even know water could be consumed until last year. I still consider it a passing ‘fad’.

The third important fact you should know about scotch is that within the single malt category, there are a few different varieties. You may encounter ‘highland’ malts, ‘island’ malts, ‘speyside’ malts or ‘Islay’ malts. Each variety has its own advantages. We here at The Gentleman suggest you ween yourself onto Islay malts. Not only are they the most flavoursome, but they are perfect to drink with a cigar and leave you with a smokey, gentlemanly musk afterward.

Women would come from miles around to smell Sinatra after he drank a few glasses of a good Islay malt. They also enjoyed the peripheral benefit of hearing him sing.

You should also note the age of a scotch. This age is, of course, the length of time the scotch spent in the barrel. Unlike wine, scotch does not continue to age in the bottle. This is why you should not cellar or store scotch for longer than a few days. It should be consumed immediately. I often buy two or three bottles at once just so it does not all disappear before I get back to Griffith Manor.

Age is also a good (but not perfect) indicator of the quality of the drink. Most distilleries will bring out many different ages of a scotch. For instance, you may be able to compare a 12 year old Glenfiddich with an 18 year old Glenfiddich with a 30 year old Glenfiddich. So at a soiree you may hear two people discussing scotch by saying “I actually preferred the 15 year old to the 18 year old. It had a better body and finished well”. If they are not discussing scotch though, you may want to contact the police.

Bill Murray enjoys a 12 year old.

So now you should be able to head to your local scotch distributor and be able to make an informed decision on the malt, region and age. I suggest buying four bottles, three for now, one for later.

Mark Twain enjoys the finer things in life (in order) - scotch, cigars and family.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The overindulgent gentleman

Hello,

Avid readers of The Gentleman Blog – of which there are throngs – will be familiar with the fact a gentleman holds his own. It should never be underestimated how the budding gentleman can lose his composure after too many drinks. However, once you are a practiced gentleman, who has years of experience of drinking various gentlemanly beverages, there are certain side-effects that you may choose (carefully) to summon for good reasons.

Here we will examine some classic gentleman who have benefited from finishing the bottle.

Churchill, nearing the end of his glass of scotch, orders two more.

Winston Churchill has gone down in history primarily as a quintessential gentleman (other lesser known reasons were his role as British prime-minister during the war and as a cigar aficionado). In fact, one of Churchill’s most famous speeches was given after beating Franklin Roosevelt in a scotch tasting competition that went to twenty-four tie breaks. Who is to say what would have happened has Churchill not given this inspiring/slurred speech?

The gentleman, that’s who! It would have been left up to Indiana Jones to single-handedly defeat the Nazis without the help of the British.

It would have looked a little something like this. Times thirteen million.

Another figure from the rich history of gentleman that fits today’s category (along with pretty much every other category on The Gentleman Blog) is Frank Sinatra. Some say that Sinatra was somewhat like Eric the Schoolboy. Except instead of eating bananas, he would drink Jack Daniels. And instead of turning into Bananaman, he would become a supreme crooner, actor and gentleman. The perfect analogy.

Sinatra with a microphone in one hand and a glass of Jack in the other. He would sometimes replace the microphone with another glass of Jack and sing into that.

In fact, there are precisely zero recordings of Sinatra singing live when he has not referenced his drink or his intention to drink during the set. His acting skills – as ample as they were – were magnified twenty-fold after a morning of drinking. Most scenes from Ocean’s 11 were shot only once because Sinatra did not like to be kept from getting to the bar to top up. Do you think he liked doing this? Keeping yourself in a stupor is a sacrifice Sinatra made to enhance the joy for audiences the world over. What a gentleman.

Cary Grant is another who knew when to stop. But he also knew when to continue. For some scenes, no amount of acting talent can substitute the authenticity of six litres of Scotland’s finest single malts.

Cary Grant, moments before winning a staring competition for this drink.

And let’s not forget Boris Yeltsin. Sure, he didn’t have Sinatra’s style, Cary Grant’s eyes and couldn’t run a country economically or politically, but he was a big factor in bringing down communism in modern day Russia. And if JFK says communism is bad, then you can’t argue with that.

One of Yeltsin’s most emblematic moments came when he stood atop a tank and quelled a potential coup of then-leader, Mikhail Gorbachev. He was also heavily under the influence of various alcohols. Did Yeltsin like being drunk? Of course he didn’t. But have you ever tried to stop a bloody overthrow of a government while sober? It’s not easy.

Boris Yeltsin knows all about keeping the company of women, but might want to read our article on dancing.

And so, remember to drink to a gentlemanly moderation. Only use your secret weapon of that extra scotch when you really need it.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The spirit of Christmas

Hello there,

Due to the heavy dose of yuletide cheers going around I thought it only natural to write a post about the spirit of Christmas.  That of course, as you well know, is Scotch.

Sean Connery knows how to fill himself with the spirit of Christmas. All he needs is a delicious single malt Scotch and an hour.

This of course is not a hard and fast rule.  Since we live in a secular society these days, the drinks you consume over Christmas are not dictated by the Bible anymore.  No longer will we have to constantly drink red wine for twelve days straight.  Thank God.

Here we see two old friends Roger Sterling and Don Draper enjoying a Christmas catchup. You shouldn't be drinking alone at Christmas time.

That being said, there is no reason you wouldn’t want to drink Scotch unless you are cleansing your palate with a martini of course.

Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby give the Scotch a rest while they catch up over Christmas. Many an anecdote was told that night I can tell you.

But there is more meaning to the ‘spirit’ of Christmas than just a peaty single malt.  Christmas is about being around the people you love and then drinking a peaty single malt.  It’s been like that ever since Saint Nicholas gave Scotch to battle weary crusaders on Christmas day four thousands years ago.

Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau can put aside their life long feud to sit down and have a drink at Christmas time.

So why not pick up the telephone and call one of your good friends, invite them round and indulge in some fine banter over a bottle of Scotland’s finest (I don’t mean Sean Connery).

In this rare picture Michael Caine and Sean Connery have gotten together to celebrate and reinact the first Christmas. Here we see Sean Connery indicated the direction of where they will be able to find some Scotch.

So there you have it.  Merry Christmas.

G.O. Brixley

 

Gentlemen and tea

Gentlemen and tea have a long and rich history together. Ever since the gentleman built Sri Lanka as an island to harvest the finest tea leaves, the gentleman has not looked back. And nor should he, a properly infused cup of tea is a delight only rivaled by a tightly packed Cuban cigar or traversing the globe in a time equal to or less than 80 days.

Some gentleman like tea so much they changed their names to it. Not Mr. T though, he’s called Mr. T because his real name is Laurence Tureaud.

Of course, the Queen of England does not mind a spot of tea, and she’s the complete wrong gender to be a gentleman! This is because tea was invented (by the gentleman) to be shared with others. What joy would there be in a cup of tea if you couldn’t impress your special lady with your knowledge of optimal infusion temperature and proper tea etiquette?

The Queen of England was taught all she knew about proper tea etiquette by yours truly. And that’s not all I taught her, if you know what I mean.

Gentlemen, of course, are a bullion of knowledge about proper tea etiquette. This makes them, quite literally, worth their weight in gold. (The average 80kg gentleman at the current gold price – A$1396.10 per ounce – would be worth about four million Australian dollars. A bargain in anyone’s language; especially English). Why not ask your local gentleman for more information?

King Cole Tea: An oolong ménage à trois for this gentleman.

Now, I can hear you saying “wouldn’t a gentleman prefer a dram of his favourite Scotch to a cup of tea?” This is indeed often the case. And which is why the gentleman will often ‘Irish up’ his tea. This is a rare case when the gentleman does not discern between a delicious single malt Scotch whisky and an Irish whiskey (for it would be a shame to waste a Scotch by diluting it with tea). A generous dash (a 200ml+ ‘dash’ of liquor is known as the “gentleman’s dash”) of most hard liquors will not only do wonders for a cup of tea, but get you ready to seize the day.

Marlon Brando would sometimes add a dash of tea to his morning cup of Irish whiskey.

And so with that, enjoy your tea. Enjoy it loose-leaf, bagged, boiled, iced or with a gentleman’s dash of whisky . But never leave your teaspoon in the cup while drinking.

One of the gentleman’s finest inventions: Sri Lanka.

Go forth and enjoy.

HL Griffith

Gentlemen like a drink

Hello there,

Now, as you know, gentlemen and alcohol have gone together since the first mead was drunk by the Vikings or the first wine was poured from an amphora into a gentleman’s mouth by a virgin priestess.  In short, it’s a long history.

The gentleman and his drink. It's an illicit affair that has raged for centuries.

I have previously told you about how a gentleman can hold his own, and let me just say that this rule will always apply when gentleman and alcohol are present.  However this should not stop the fact that a gentleman should be well versed in every drink under the sun and should be able to drink it at the drop of a hat.

Gentlemen must be able to drink every delicious beer on God’s green earth but until they can drink a Guinness they have much to learn.

Gentlemen are never discourteous and the last thing you want to do is insult your Japanese business/golfing partner by declining his offer of a warm sake and a hot jacuzzi.

You wouldn't want to disrespect the hospitality of the locals by not indulging in their traditional alcoholic beverage..

A true gentleman should know his sauvignon blanc from his gewurztraminer and his pinot noir from his chianti.  There should be no doubt in a gentleman’s mind between which region of Scotland his single malt came from nor whether his champagne is vintage or not.

George Clooney laughs whole heartedly at the suggestion he doesn't know his Krug from his Dom Perignon.

If the foreign dignitaries call for you to try some of their fermented national alcoholic beverage a gentleman should accept and also know how to mix it himself.

Michael Caine and Len Deighton are in the lab mixing up all sorts of alcoholic beverages. Practice makes practice.

No cocktail is too potent, no alcoholic drink too bizarrely coloured that a gentleman won’t know what is in it and how to properly drink it so as to appease the gods of whoever he is trying to impress.

Even though Romulan Ale is illegal in most of the galaxy Kirk doesn't want to start an intergalactic war by declining a swig.

So there you have it.  Cheers.

G.O. Brixley