The Gentleman’s reply: Volume 1

Hello there,

As you well know (or if you didn’t you’re about to) we here at The Gentleman asked you, the reader, to submit questions to our good selves so that we may instil some of our knowledge and experience upon you.

Einstein asked us to help him out on his theory so we pointed him in the right direction by presenting him with this chalk board.

Cornelius Worthington III writes “if you could bring one thing back from extinction, which would it be – the dodo or respect for the British Aristocracy?“.  A poignant question Cornelius and thank you for your correspondence.  We felt that in order to answer this question completely we would have to categorise the answer in terms of one animal to bring back, one ideal to bring back and one person to bring back.

Brixley & Griffith HQ went in to overdrive upon receipt of this question.

Firstly the animal.  We mulled this question over and over during a lengthy game of baccarat and few bottles of Islay’s finest.  We wrote the answer down on a napkin but unfortunately the next day found it to be illegible.  However in the light of morning we can safely say that the animal we would bring back from extinction would be the vicious giant squid.

Kirk Douglas earns his sea legs by defeating this kraken. Tip: go for the wires controlling it's tentacles.

Now we aren’t just talking about the lazy giant squids of today, we mean the kraken type of squid from yesteryear that could take one of her majesty’s ships before breakfast, and then consume it for breakfast.  How can gentlemen of today prove their inherent dominance over the ocean if there aren’t any bloodthirsty squids left to battle, cut open, and take the gold from their belly?  The day the last bloodthirsty squid was killed the stocks in our harpoon emporium dropped five fold.

In a tight spot? Think Brixley & Griffith harpoons for all your giant squid troubles.

Secondly the ideal that we would resurrect would have to be that of gentlemanly exploration.  We don’t mean “exploring yourself” or going on holiday to the Bahamas (having said that there is nothing wrong with a sojourn to the Bahamas).  We mean the final frontier, the sort of exploring that evokes the names Livingston, Scott or Kirk.  Unfortunately thanks to this ‘google’ thing we keep hearing about, most of the world seems to have been charted, therefore we must look towards the stars.  Failing that, another expedition to either the poles or the Amazon basin.

Who needs Google maps when you have an up-to-date cartogram on your cabin desk.

Thirdly the person that we would bring back from extinction would have to be Doctor Victor Frankenstein.  This is simply because once Frankenstein was alive he could then reanimate all the other gentlemen who have passed on.  Although Frankenstein’s original story was a tragedy, I’m sure with our help history would not repeat itself.  Besides, a reanimated Cary Grant would be much less vengeful than Boris Karloff.

Victor Frankenstein at the top of Castle Brixley testing out his machine on Sean Connery. Connery said it made him feel 15 years younger.

So there you have it.  Please remember that all and any questions are welcome in the comments section, via Twitter, or on the Facebook.

Until next time.

G.O. Brixley

H.L. Griffith

The Gentleman answers your questions.

Hello there,

A friend asked me a poignant question the other day, he said “Brixley, I was wondering if you could give me some advice of the gentlemanly nature?”.  Of course I obliged him and now he knows the proper etiquette when meeting the Belorussian Prime Minister.

Sean Connery and Michael Caine demonstrate the correct protocol for meeting the Belorussian Prime Minister.

This got Griffith and I thinking that we should make our expansive gentlemanly knowledge accessible to our finely dressed readers by answering their questions with regards to any gentlemanly pursuit, fact or opinion they can think of.

Sean Connery and Michael Caine show the correct way to play Paper, Scissors, Rock whilst smoking cigars. Notice the moderator in the middle making sure it'a a fair game.

Therefore we beseech you to stick a piece of paper into your typewriter, dictate a letter, or perhaps just ask us a question in the comments section at the bottom of this article and we will do our best to answer it.  You can also send your question to our twitter @thegentlemanblg or via the Facebook where you can ‘like’ us (links for these can be found at the bottom of the page).

Hemingway sits in his office whilst typing up a question for The Gentleman.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

H.L. Griffith

The Gentleman Blog Turns One

Hello there,

As you no doubt already know, this month marks the one year anniversary of The Gentleman blog.  Of course The Gentleman has existed for millennia , beginning with stone tablets and papyrus scrolls before moving onto the printed page and sometimes even the tattoos of a sailor.  Therefor because of this milestone we shall present you with a comprehensive seasonal guide to The Gentleman’s year (this will be for the Southern Hemisphere, but for all those in the Northern Hemisphere we shall provide a conversion table).

Shatner tries to recall the conversion table for a planet with 12.5 seasons, 14 hemispheres, 9 poles and 3 triangular suns.

Winter

We shall start with the current season of Winter (For Northern Hemisphere, start with Summer).  It is during these bitterly cold months that your Scotch collection, tweed collection, and fireplace collection come to the fore. You will also be making extensive use of your umbrella, scarf, coat, musket and/or blunderbuss.

Michael Caine employs his pea coat, musket and french cuffs to duel this Philistine for consuming Scotch directly from the bottle whilst lying in rubble.

Much of your winter will be spent in your reading room, smoking a pipe while perusing ancient tomes or perfecting your putt across the Persian rug you were given as a gift during the Crusades into a goblet that holds significance in all of the World’s major religions.

Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin brave the winter cold for their curling team photo. They immediately retreated to the fireplace after the photo for a Scotch (except Stalin who stated that communists never retreat).

Spring

Spring is the time of mourning. It marks the passing of many great gentlemen, including Cary Grant and JFK. Yet also celebration, Dr. No aired first in Spring. It is time to cast off your winter coat, pull on your tartan golfing pants, polish your golf clubs and strap a humidor to your golf bag. That’s what JFK would have wanted.

Bob Hope helps out Frank Sinatra's golf game by freeing up his Scotch hand. Now he can have both hands on the club. Dean Martin looks on in awe of Hope's ingenuity.

Spring is also the time for Spring Cleaning.  For gentlemen this means cleaning out your humidor (by smoking all the cigars in it), tidying up your Scotch collection (by drinking all the open bottles) and generally tidying up your residence (putting all your leather bound books in Dewi decimal order, manicuring your lawn and polishing your vintage automobiles).

Groucho Marx manicures his lawn to within an inch of its life (1 inch long) while his bodyguards protect him from the harsh Spring sun.

Summer

The Summer months mark a time of rest for the gentleman.  A rest from all the soirees, benefit dinners and charity golf tournaments.  During these months a gentleman relaxes by a beach on a deserted Island wearing bermuda shorts and reading first editions in a hammock.

Sean Connery ponders what has gone wrong as he is apparently mistaken for a hammock by this lady. It's ok though, he mistook her for a first edition.

Much of a gentleman’s Summer months are spent next to or in water of some description.  Since a gentleman never dresses down during the summertime (no singlets, “board” shorts or “flip-flops”), the shirts and cravats can get quite hot and there is nothing better than a dip in some water (since a gentleman never drinks the stuff, he may as well cool down in it).

Charles-Marie Vanel enlists the help of Cary Grant, Grace Kelly and Alfred Hitchcock to mind his chair while he cools off in the Mediterranean sea. Notice Grant's immaculate post-swim hair and thousand-yard stare, staples of the summertime.

Autumn

The Autumn months are the somber bridge between the warm breezes, Highland malts and mild cigars of summer and the Singin’ in the Rain style winter that all gentleman enjoy. Autumn, therefore is often spent reflecting on one’s own mortality, observing the turning inwards of plants and animals before a long harsh winter. Other than this, a gentleman spends Autumn rebuilding his cigar and Islay malt reserves for the Winter ahead.

Robert Redford spent many of his Autumns in black and white... and a sweater

But spring is not all bleak; a gentleman makes the most of what each season offers him. Like a neanderthal uses each bit of the animal he has killed (for the purposes of this analogy, the abstract concept of a ‘year’ is represented by the slain animal, while the gentleman is represented by the much-less stylish – indeed unkempt – neanderthal). Autumn is equally weighted with reflection of a magnificent Summer past. A gentleman will also take this opportunity to hold all the lawn parties and extensive celebratory banquets with gallons of fortified wines and hours of speeches (during which it is customary to smoke cigars from start to finish) that Summer’s heat did not permit.

Rooftop afternoons are a pleasure best enjoyed on the warmer evenings in Autumn. Observe these gentleman drinking extremely full glasses of scotch.

After the passing of Autumn a gentleman may start the process all over again, unless of course he uses the magic of aviation to avoid winter’s frosty hands once more.

Harrison Ford and Sean Connery flee winter's grasp by escaping in this biplane. Unfortunately their cross-seasonal escape was marred by Nazis.

As a side note we would like to thank all the followers, readers and subscribers of The Gentleman for helping us spread the word of how to go about things in a gentlemanly way.  You can celebrate with us by pouring yourself a healthy Scotch and toasting to another year.  Cheers.

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith

The Gentleman’s 100th article

Hello there,

Today is a momentous day in the history of The Gentleman Blog. No it’s not Talk Like William Shatner Day or some such; it is in fact the 100th anniversary of the birth of The Gentleman Blog (if you measure time in posts by The Gentleman Blog. I know we do. Obviously, in our gentleman units, 1 The Gentleman Blog post = 1 gentleman’s year). So to commemorate our Mahogany jubilee (a milestone only ever reached by The Gentleman), both Griffith and Brixley will be collaborating to take you through a typical day in the life here at The Gentleman.

Morning ablution

A gentleman gets up at precisely 7:24am every morning. This is because 7:24am is the exact time that the morning broadsheet is delivered. After a quick perusal of global affairs, a gentleman will prepare himself for the day to come.

After our separate morning routines (Brixley at Castle Brixley and Griffith at Griffith Manor), we meet at Sean Connery’s residence. Sean is, as always, running behind schedule (due to the immense amount of body hair he must trim and his claim that he works on ‘Scottish time’).

Sean Connery must let his chest hair dry before donning a starched white shirt. Notice his "half nelson" shaving technique.

The mid-morning round of golf

Following breakfast (which consisted of three fingers of Islay Malt and the best part of a smoked kipper), Sean inevitably suggests a round of golf. We were hesitant at first because he’d had a temper the past few days, but relented. Today was like any other, but we’ve learned to laugh.

Sean takes this triple bogey in his stride.

Morning Tea

After our tranquil round of golf we receive an invitation for morning tea at William Shatner’s beachfront acting academy.  We take Brixley’s old Ford Model-T while Griffith gives directions and Sean straightens out his sand wedge in the back seat (see above).

After morning tea Shanter performs his avante garde take on Hamlet. It goes for 37 seconds.

Lunch with Bogart.

From here we leave Shatner and Connery to their devices whilst we touch base with our old friend Humphrey Bogart.  He hasn’t been feeling well recently and so Brixley and Griffith take time out of their busy schedule to check up on him.  He served us up some fricasseed wild boar followed by wild boar pudding.

Bogart has so much time on his hands he can't decide which pastime to win more trophies in; boar hunting, tennis, golf, miniature yachting, archery, fishing, polo, smoking a pipe whilst gazing at self portraits or boar hunting.

We told him to take his dog for a walk as it seemed rather restless.

Digestifs by the pool

From Bogart’s we rendezvous with Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe at the local pool to relax and enjoy a selection of single malt scotch followed by some single malt scotch.

Grant can't believe how pale Monroe is. Although due to Cary Grant's jet-setting he has spent 237 hours in direct sunlight during the last two days.

Afternoon tea

From the pool we take the street car to 10 Downing Street London where we have been invited by Winston Churchill for some afternoon tea.  Afternoon tea for Churchill consists of two Churchill sized cigars and an never-ending glass of scotch.  This is precisely what the doctor ordered after our swim (in fact Churchill’s personal chef is a doctor and therefore this statement is to be taken literally).

During our mid-afternoon stroll, Churchill receives an important call on his iPhone from F.D. Roosevelt (Roosevelt believed Churchill to have cheated at Words with Friends)

Dinner

We bid Churchill adieu and took the short steam-engine ride to New York where JFK and we were honourary speakers at a roast for Jimmy Stewart.

Here we see JFK telling a particularly risque tale about Stewart during the filming of Rear Window. Little did JFK know that Stewart would be roasting him not 3 months later. Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (this is particularly applicable to JFK since his house was indeed made entirely of glass).

After Dinner

From New York we ferried to Las Vegas to catch a midnight Sinatra show at the Sands.  Afterward throwing some craps with Sinatra we made a brief stop (via underground mafia tunnel) to his house for a nightcap.

Sinatra not only knew how to throw craps, he could also scoop up the four of diamonds with a long shovel whilst interrupting this poker tournament.

After tucking Sinatra into bed Brixley and Griffith make their way via flying machine back to their respective abodes for some well earned rest, ready for another day of cross-continental engagements with dead celebrities.

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith

H.L. Griffith

Hello there,

I would like to welcome the latest contributor to The Gentleman, H.L. Griffith.

H.L. Griffith and I first met at a cocktail party whilst traveling the subcontinent.  He has written for all the most famous literary journals (and now The Gentleman) and won an academy award in a one off category, ‘Best Musk”.

 

A rare picture of G.O. Brixley, H.L. Griffith and a young Winston Churchill. We are the young ones in the background.

 

H.L. Griffith’s first post will be on ‘transportation’ and you can expect it tomorrow.  So until then…

G.O. Brixley

Submissions

Hello there,
I know it’s been a couple of days without a post but don’t despair, more are on their way.
The reason for this short sabbatical is because I have been setting up some of my close friends to write submissions for The Gentleman. This is to ease the pressure for yours truly and to keep a consistent flow of gentlemanly post heading your way.

G.O. Brixley

Construction complete

Hello there avid readers.
My blog will from now on be fully functional… I hope.
Expect more postings and picture photographs to accompany them.
G.O. Brixley

Coming soon!

Good day all,

You might be wondering what to expect from this blog once it is fully constructed (and constructed it will be).

The simple answer is “gentlemen things”.

The more complex answer is “gentlemen things including; attire, hygiene, smoking, sports, alcoholic beverages, style, etiquette and anything else that I can think of”.

 

A bunch of gentleman doing gentleman things

 

This picture above shows gentlemen in their leisure time.

Below is a picture of how a gentleman crosses the street.

 

Cary Grant crossing the street in a gentlemanly style

 

Still not sure of what to expect? You will by the end of the month.

G.O. Brixley

Under Construction

The Gentleman will be up and running by the end of the month.

G.O. Brixley