Fighting Nazis Part 2: Being Captured

Hello there,

To continue our informative guide on fighting Nazis we shall begin on lesson two, being captured.  Now you may think that this is an odd lesson to learn but it is inevitable that you will be captured by Nazis at least once.  In fact when fighting any ungentlemanly foe you will no doubt get captured and therefore this information is vital.

Clint Eastwood fails a Nazi test to pose stupidly for this photo. He was captured immediately after this picture.

Once you have completed Part 1 of fighting Nazis and have been captured by the Nazis you will most likely be put into a cell of some sort.  Nazis didn’t invent cells but they did know how to put people in them, usually through the door (sometimes by a secret chute).

Roger Moore in one of the more luxurious cells that a gentleman can find himself in. Here he loses a game of Rock, Gun, Dom Perignon.

There are different levels of capture that the forces of evil (I include any ungentlemanly opponents here except Matthew McConaughey, he’s in a league of his own) can subject you to.  If you are wearing a tuxedo at the time of your capture you will probably be locked up in a five star room with a full wardrobe and then be subject to dinner with your nemesis.  This may sound all well and good but the cosier the cell the more ingenious the way you will be killed.

Sean Connery is about to be played like a record by this gigantic needle. Although he escaped our top scientists have surmised that he would have played a cover of the James Bond Theme with bagpipes.

If you are captured in gentlemanly casual attire such as chinos and a blazer you can still expect to have an elaborate death.  These can range from being blown apart by jet engines to being eaten by exotic animals.

Roger Moore wrestles with an anaconda in his spare time before being fed to some exotic animal.

If you are captured in military fatigues then you will ultimately become a prisoner of war.  Although this law isn’t always abided by, the Nazis should allow you to take two things into the cell with you.  If you take Steve McQueen’s advice, and you should since he is a gentleman, those items should be a baseball mitt and ball.

Steve McQueen slowly erodes the wall of his cell by bouncing a baseball against it. The Nazis never saw it coming (although they didn't understand the intricacies of baseball).

The final dress code that a gentleman can be found in (and usually is) is a Nazi uniform, since we generally get captured while infiltrating.  In these circumstances the Nazis will do any number of things but usually it involves taking your top off and oiling you up.

Nemoy and Shatner after being caught infiltrating the Nazis. Shatner foresaw this and brought his own oil. Logical.

However if your opponents aren’t Nazis be prepared to be either drugged with dark magic or made to play Russian Roulette with Christopher Walken.

Harrison Ford chokes on a low grade Scotch blend (probably Johnny Walker Red) before being hypnotised by Thuggee priests. In these circumstances make sure to have child sidekick of Asian descent.

The main purpose of being captured (apart from the elaborate deaths) is to try to evoke some ungentlemanly behaviour.  This is the most insidious part of being captured.  However you won’t have to worry too much about that since as gentlemen we are unwavering and unyielding to any form of torture.

Although they didn't allow Michael Caine to shower, shave or wear a tie he was still a gentleman, they couldn't take that away from him (also the way he wore his hat and sipped his tea).

However don’t be dismayed by all this talk of capture, torture and death because just as surely as you will be captured, you will also be freed or escape via jet pack.  ”How does one do this” you ask?  Well you will have to make sure you don’t get captured before Part 3 of Fighting Nazis comes out.

Sorry Cary, you'll just have to wait until Part 3 is published to escape your bonds.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The Gentleman’s Black Tie

Good day friends,

I was at a soiree held by the 12 princes of Patagonia yesterday securing a trade deal for luxurious textiles the likes of which the western world has never seen before, when the idea for this entry came to me. You see, I own a small arsenal of ties which I always take with me on goodwill missions abroad (it should be noted that my visit to Patagonia also included opening two schools, The Griffith Institute of Argentinian and Patagonian Gentleman and The Brixley and Griffith House of Whiskey – which also doubles as a distillery). But there is no more important tie to a gentleman’s arsenal than his black tie.

Paul Newman accompanied me to Patagonia to try and open up a new aioli and salad-dressing trade route. Marlon Brando also came because he's the only one who knows how to speak Patagonian.

You see, a black tie serves you perfectly in any situation you may find yourself in. Invited to a soiree? Need to greet foreign diplomats? Enter a black tie-wearing competition at short notice? You know what to do.

Need to check the time? Do what Sean Connery does and put a black tie on, put your timepiece in your hand and gaze into the distance.

Let’s not dance around the turkey here, ties are an essential part of a gentleman’s wardrobe. If you do not own any, you should start building a collection immediately. Start with a black tie and then build around that.

Or else.

Of course, there are many different ways to wear your black tie. If you’re just wandering down to the studio to record a ballad or two, you can loosen it a touch and tie a half windsor.

Frank Sinatra reads The Gentleman Newspaper - a short lived publication that Brixley and I published in the '60s.

If you’re going to a more formal function, soiree or funeral, you will want to tie a full windsor.

Like Bogart did at this sombre affair.

For other events, you may need to employ other knots.

Like the triple windsor.

Black ties are especially popular with musicians. If you have ever played an instrument, been to a show or even listened to music you should have a full-blown appreciation for the majesty of this sable garment.

You got a problem with that?

I remember seeing Duke Ellington play once. It was the night I learned that the black tie should not be reserved for only the most formal of occasions.

Duke Ellington adopting the Sean Connery style of checking the time.

So next time you go to your tie rack for a tie, remember that almost all occasions are improved by a gentleman such as yourself donning a black necktie. A gentleman in a black tie brings joy to all who lay eyes on him and his neck region.

Cary Grant, shortly before an impromptu soiree assembled around him.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

The gentleman and the cravat

Hello there,

A gentleman said to me the other day, “Brixley, I need to look less formal, but the weather is getting colder and my neck gets cold, however I don’t care for scarves, what can I do?”  I glared at him for interrupting a particularly amusing anecdote I was telling to the Prince of Bengal and simple said to him “Why my good man, you should wear a cravat.”  I then proceeded to challenge him to a duel in which the outcome is obvious.

 

Erroll Flynn puts on his most innocent face whilst wearing a stylish cravat. Needless to say the charges were dropped (whatever they were).

 

The point is, the cravat is a way to get out of wearing a necktie or bow-tie yet keep the formal elegance that gentlemen strive for when socialising.

 

Cary Grant goes on a picnic with Grace Kelly. He didn't want to wear a necktie but didn't want to dress like a common businessman on a Friday. The cravat literally saved his neck.

 

The cravat comes in numerous different style but if you ask me, you can’t go past a good navy blue cravat with white dots.

 

Clark Gable knew how to wear a cravat. He also invented this pose and the thousand-yard stare that goes with it.

 

 

The cravat was originally a military item of clothing worn by Croatian mercenaries.  The term cravat comes from the French word for Croat and then pronounced badly (like a Frenchman).

 

Adrien Brody sports a cravat whilst sight-seeing with good friend, Mark Ruffalo. Unfortunately the sight they were looking for is behind them.

 

 

Many great gentlemen have donned a cravat of some kind to help dress down their attire yet stay dressed up.  After the cravat’s inception in the 17th century it has gone in and out of style, most recently in the 60s and 70s.

 

Michael Caine singlehandedly brought back the cravat. He also took staring lessons from Clark Gable.

 

Unfortunately the cravat hasn’t had a lot of good press and is constantly being tainted by people not worthy enough to wear such an item.  It has also recently become the trademark for overweight food critics, however if you keep the garishness of the cravat to a minimum you can dodge any comparison to the former (also if you aren’t hideously overweight a comparison is less likely)

 

Errol Flynn also knew the benefits of matching a cravat with a pipe. For a list of all the benefits see above.

 

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The Gentleman in uniform

Good day,

A gentleman has many strings to his bow. This is meant both metaphorically and literally. It is easy to distinguish the gentleman impostor from the true gentleman by the actual number of strings on his bow.

The quintessential gentleman impostor. Notice the single-stringed bow he is using. Typical.

Having many (metaphorical) strings to one’s bow , however, means that the gentleman must partake in many diverse activities and occupations. Hence, it is common to see a gentleman in some sort of uniform. For the purpose of this article, we shall not treat the three-piece as a uniform, but know that it is the gentleman’s most important of all.

Cary Grant occasionally spends his spare time in the 1770's, and must adopt appropriate attire.

It is important that if a gentleman is to properly engage in a past-time or occupation, he must look the part. Such is the importance of uniform.

Errol Flynn on the set of 'Desperate Journey'. Here, glaring at the costume designer is his way of saying 'thank you for such accurate WWII attire'.

Also remember that a uniform is not just the clothes you wear, but also your demeanor, attitude and facial hair.

Lionel Atwill's mustache dresses as a Colonel for Nana (1934).

If you are, say, going down to your local yacht club to smoke a cigar while coasting along the bay, you are clearly presented with numerous choices. Will you go for the Gene Kelly 1940s sailor look, or the Ted Knight in Caddyshack look?

Gene Kelly almost always opted for the Gene Kelly look.

In fact, the Gene Kelly look has proved quite popular.

Fred Astaire on his way to the yacht club.

Gentleman, being the bravest men in the cosmos, are also highly sought after in war time. Well, at least they used to be.

Michael Caine did not hesitate to get involved in various African wars. Here he is calling to the enemy inviting them for high tea in this break between battles.

But be careful not to choose an inappropriate uniform for your first day on the job.

Ronald Reagan was told to go home and change after arriving for his first day as US President.

And be careful meeting people when in uniform. They may be assume things about you which are not necessarily true.

Paul Newman was married to this lady for six years before he told her he wasn't a pilot.

So make sure you have a full closet of various outfits for whatever your gentlemanly lifestyle throws at you.

Marlon Brando was invited to a 'Mutiny on the Bounty' party and was not impressed with this man's half-hearted costume. So he ripped his sleeve and then shot him.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The gentleman and leather

Hello,

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you that a gentleman may have many loves in his life. The love of a fine scotch, the love of a cuban cigar, the love of a gentlelady or the love of a well starched collar. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, all at the same time. But let’s not forget a gentleman’s love for leather.

Here we see Cary Grant donning a leather jacket while admiring his newly-purchased bottle of liquor. When a gentleman wears leather, attractive women gravitate towards him, as illustrated here.

First let’s get to know leather a little better. Leather usually comes from cows and it is normally a shade of brown. If you want to know more details, please consult your local leather professor at a bovine university.

Shatner wasn't happy with the information provided above, so he put on his leather hat and headed for the Old West in search for a cow. He found this lady instead and his expedition was aborted.

A gentleman has the capacity to wear many separate articles of leather all at once. This is because a gentleman’s frame has been evolutionarily designed to withstand the burden of cow’s skin as well as his own.

HL Griffith will often display leather Oxfords, watch band, satchel, belt and cigar case all at once. He has been known to smoke all three cigars at the same time as well.

Leather carries a certain prestige with it. The kind of prestige that says “I could kill a cow, strip its skin off and turn it into a belt or wallet. But I won’t because someone else did it for me and this way I can retain my high moral status”. That’s why many notable gentlemen over the years have sported leather paraphernalia of some variety. Think of Henry Jones Snr and his diary, Clint Eastwood’s revolver holster or James T Kirk’s underwear.

Henry Jones Jnr wore this leather jacket for its Nazi-repelling properties.

A gentleman will also opt for the leather-assisted straight-blade shave over the Mach-11. These should be used with care, though.

Clarke Gable takes care with his straight blade. Notice all the tonics and lotions he has on hand in case something goes wrong.

In particular, all gentleman aviators (of which, I assume there are many reading) will know the importance of leather. Any good aviator will always wear a leather jacket, leather cap, leather goggles. Some also opt for a leather propellers, but most of them are dead.

Howard Hughes poses for a leather jacket catalogue. All gentleman aviators know the protective powers of leather.

So when next you have to select a new garment, accessory, belt, holster, hat, pouch or band, a gentleman should always be looking for the leather option.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The tailor-made gentleman.

Hello there,

If gentlemen were superheroes (and who is to say they aren’t?) then the gentleman’s suit would be his uniform.  This being the case it is important that when you are puchasing a suit, you get it made to your exact specifications.  You don’t see Superman running around with baggy exterior undergarments do you?

Roger Moore gets tailored to within an inch of his life. Still he finds time for a last cigarette.

Having a suit tailored to your gentlemanly physique is not a luxury, it is a necessity, and hence should not be overlooked.

Pierce Brosnan gets fitted for a suit to make him look every bit the gentleman. Pity he would only wear this suit in one good film. (For those of you playing at home the answer is Golden Eye)

Since it is very rare to find a suit that fits one perfectly, and as gentlemen, we strive for perfection, you should have the aforementioned suit nipped and tucked until it moves as one with your body but will a little extra room for those two cigars you keep in your breast pocket.

Sean Connery not only got his suits fitted, he got everything fitted, even down to his custom made undergarments. (An idea he got off Superman)

The gentleman’s Mecca as it were, is of course Savile Row.  Savile Row being a street in Monopoly’s most expensive area of Mayfair.  Savile Row consists of the finest bespoke tailoring that has ever graced the earth.

Even Cary Grant couldn't tailor his clothes as good as Savile Row's finest, a concession he was willing to give.

When you have your four daily Scotches you should acknowledge the direction of Savile Row before you drink.

Savile Row. Where gentlemen are made (notice the typographical error on this antiquated photograph).

Also much like Mecca, a gentleman must make a pilgrimage to Savile Row once in their lifetime and purchase a tailored suit from a member of the Savile Row Bespoke Association.

Cary Grant paws at this Savile Row window, pining for the sartorial treasures inside. Then of course he remembered that he was a rich movie star and went inside to purachse said treasures.

Once you have purchased your own Savile Row suit – a suit that will last a gentleman’s lifetime (82) – you can walk anywhere with the style and benevolent demeanor that is second nature for a gentleman knowing that you have seen the holy land.

The gentleman's rapture. Instead of ascending to heaven the gentleman's rapture will take the form of a tweed bicycle ride through Savile Row.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

 

 

The double breasted suit

Hello there,

Whilst sipping a refreshing martini on the shores of Lake Brixley (adjacent to Castle Brixley) a member of the luncheon I was on asked me about double breasted suit jackets.  I told him to peruse The Gentleman and his questions will be answered.  Unfortunately I had not published this article that I am writing and hence his perusal (whilst entertaining and informative to him) left his quest for knowledge unsatisfied.  He wrote me a letter explaining his disappointment and now I am making amends by writing this post.

George Lazenby wears this double breasted suit to full effect as he playfully poses against this picturesque backdrop.

The double breasted suit jacket originated from the Navel Reefer jacket which in turn went on to become the Navel style peacoat or trench that we gentlemen are predisposed to wearing in the colder months.

Cary Grant opts for a white double breasted suit as he exits his private flying machine whilst carrying the daily broadsheet.

There are variations on how many buttons there are on a double breasted jacket as opposed to the number that actually fasten.  The way to describe a double breasted jacket is to firstly say the number of buttons it has and then the number of buttons that fasten (usually the number of button holes it has).  Therefore you may have a six-on-three, six-on-two, or even four-on-two jacket.

Steve McQueen expertly goes for the cross legged lean while nonchalantly showing off his double breasted suit and drawing your eye towards the buttons with a lazy index finger.

I have a double breasted jacket that I picked up in Italy which is a two-on-one jacket.  Imagine that!

Humphrey Bogart single handedly gave rise to the double breasted suit's prominence during the 1930s-1950s. A little known fact is that Humphrey's pajamas were double breasted also.

Don’t think that the double breasted jacket is only for fat men, 80′s stockbrokers or David Letterman.  The double breasted suit, like any suit, can maketh the gentleman if it is fitted correctly and worn with finesse and a humble elegance that are prerequisites for the gentleman’s inventory.

This gentleman not only styles his double breasted suit to full effect, he has accompanied it with a handkerchief, hat and moustache to match.

So next time you think you’ll just blend into the crowd by purchasing a fine tailored single breast suit, maybe branch out and add the double breasted suit to your extensive wardrobe.

Jaws forces Roger Moore to watch as he devours some wood as a show of power by his double breasted suit.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The gentleman and his hat

Hello there,

It bothers me when I walk around the village these days and see people wearing baseball caps.  It bothers me because a high proportion of them are not baseball players nor even baseball enthusiasts.   The baseball cap should be confined to either playing baseball, watching baseball (you may wear a baseball cap to support your team) or if you live perpetually in the 1990s.

Don Draper knows how to wear a hat. You can't see but he is scowling at some youths wearing angled baseball caps. They died moments later out of shame.

There are so many other styles of hat a gentleman may wear and yet time after time we see the ‘cap’ degrading the appearance of the gentleman to the level of ‘street youth’, ‘crack addict’ or ‘lame uncle’.

Indiana Jones shows off his Fedora whilst posing like a true gentleman against this tibetan fireplace.

The gentleman’s hat can do many things, obviously it keeps the sun off your head but it can also compliment your attire.

Bob Hope (left) and Bing Crosby (right) show how to match your hat with your clothes. Here, they have gone one step further and matched their clothes with their musical instruments.

Many gentleman throughout history have been known for their particular headwear and if you select a hat correctly who is to say it won’t be you next in the history books?

Winston Churchill shows off one of his trademark hats whilst smoking one of his trademark cigars in his trademark jowls.

I do realise that hats aren’t for every gentleman but please if you do purchase a hat, don’t get a baseball cap unless you play baseball, and in that case make sure you wear it at no other angle to that which it was specifically made.

Like father, like son. Indiana Jones and his father both sport hats that match their attire. Notice the Nazi in the background wearing a 'cap'. Proof that 'caps' will turn you into homicidal Fascists.

So go out to your local hatters and pick yourself up a nice mercury infused gentleman’s hat.  I’m off to the hatters right now in fact.

Humphrey Bogart is seen here during his 'Indiana Jones' period. The hat maketh the gentleman.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

 

The gentleman’s white tuxedo

Hello there,

Being gentlemen, you will not doubt have a tuxedo draped across one of your leather sofas in the sitting room next to an open bottle of champagne and a full ashtray from last night’s celebrations.  However now is the time to consider the white tuxedo for added style in these warmer months.

Sean Connery leans gracefully against this bar whilst using telepathy to order a Scotch. Observe the lines on his pressed white tuxedo jacket.

No matter your occupation, be you an archaeologist, international spy or bar owner in Casablanca, the white tuxedo will help contrast you to the black tuxedos of your unimaginative peers.

Humphrey Bogart dons his white tuxedo jacket and women literally stick to him out of sheer animal magnetism.

The white tuxedo was invented by someone I’m sure.

Don Draper cranes his neck as he looks down on his black tuxedo wearing colleagues, then leaves them in a wake of smoke during this soiree.

One should generally wear the white tuxedo in the warmer months or in areas where the climate is hotter (these can include Jamaica, Casablanca and in some cases China)

Harrison Ford looks provocatively at the camera as he smolders in a white tuxedo. Notice his come-hither eyes and red carnation.

In the northern hemisphere it is traditional to only wear a white tuxedo jacket from Memorial day (last Monday of May) to Labour day (first Monday of September), but in the southern hemisphere you can do what you like if it’s hot, which it usually is this time of year.

Here we see Bogart in a white tuxedo during his favourite pastime; sitting around brooding whilst shrouded in shadows.

So next time you have a black tie engagement during these warmer months, why not wear a stylish white tuxedo.  I know I will.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

Gentlemen in “rock and roll”

Hello there,

During the 1960s when smoking was still legal and the mods and the rockers beat each other senseless due to their varying hairstyles, a new breed of gentleman was born into the music of rock and roll.

Herman's Hermits were always gentlemen when out on the town. Please note that Herman was less of a hermit than his name suggests.

Now I’m not talking about Elvis as he was a racist who indulged in fast food and fast women (and a rocker), I’m talking about British rock music.

The Beatles, seen here showing off their drainpipes whilst wearing matching suits (a prerequisite for rock music)

These bands, although rebellious in the eyes of their parents were still – by today’s unfortunately low standard – the utmost gentlemen.

The Rolling Stones: Ever the gentlemen in their matching tweed suits and flying V formation.

Now we have heard about he styles of music that a gentleman listens to (In Music to a Gentleman’s Ears), but if a gentleman must listen to a more upbeat style of music than orchestral but with less instruments than big-band swing there is only one option.  No it is not “trance” “music” (I challenge the authenticity of both these terms).  The correct answer is British rock.

The Animals, don't let the name deceive you though, they were good to their mothers and were more evolved than most of today's "rock" "artists" (Nickleback, Good Charlotte and the like) and with better suits

The British certainly did not invent rock and roll but they did know how to make it popular.  This was possible due to the fact that at that time in history Britannia ruled the waves which encompassed the airwaves as well as the tides and estuaries.

The Kinks at an estuary. Known for their eyesight, The Kinks could spot trouble from well over 3 English miles. Also they played music.

The Kinks seen here playing rock music. Notice their matching double breasted suits, a must for any aspiring musician. Please note that Dave Davies (far left) was part Leprechaun and therefore his ridiculous hat was heritage listed.

The prerequisite when listening to rock music is to see if all the members (there must only be between 4-5 members of a group) are wearing matching attire.  If they are, then you can rest tight that the music is adequate for a gentleman’s ears.

Manfred Mann are caught unawares by this photographer whilst wearing turtleneck sweaters with suits. It was the style at the time.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley