The gentleman’s recognition

Hello there,

Since the so called ‘award season’ is upon us once again like a thirsty gentleman on an aged Scotch collection, I have decided to inform you about the recognition that you will receive in being a gentleman.

Cary Grant (left) gives Jimmy Stewart (right) the award for best doppleganger.

Although we gentleman do our gentlemanly thing for the greater good and not to be awarded trinkets, it is sometimes nice to have something to go in your awards cabinet (or the glass fronted humidor that ran out of cigars after your last soiree).

Michael Caine, Roger Moore, Kevin Klein and Sean Connery win an award for best tuxedo baton relay. The award they won is behind them.

The awards that you may receive as a gentleman will be given to you for any number of reasons that include but are not limited to, being able to act better than everyone, being able to croon better than everyone and being the best dressed person in the room (even though you weren’t first in).

The greatest actor and the greatest crooner of all time. Luckily Kanye West was not around to spoil this moment.

When receiving the award it is important to remember to have a speech prepared.  You should try to have the speech memorised (especially if you’re an actor) however it is always handy to have it backed up on paper in case you pour your Scotch a little too liberally.

Sean Connery with the award for outstanding ability to carry a giant award.

In your acceptance speech the key things to remember are that you didn’t expect to win, everyone you were up against should have gotten the award instead and that everyone who helped you along the way should feel they are a part of the award.  If you like, you can also thank your chosen deity be it Jesus, Oden or Merlin.

Clint Eastwood won two Academy Awards for having one facial expression in every movie he has ever been in (expression shown above).

If you concentrate your gentlemanly studies to a more scientific, literary or harmonious field then you can expect to win a Nobel Prize at least once in your life.  Of course the Nobel Prize was named after the first recipient of the award, Alfred Nobel.

Alfred Nobel won the Nobel Prize for having a prize named after him (also for the best pensive pose in an armchair).

So even though we gentleman don’t want recognition for the tireless hours of gentlemanly pursuits we do each and every day, we should just take the awards and be thankful, and besides there is no better reason to wear a tuxedo than to an awards show.

Harrison Ford wins an award for hardest award to accept without dying.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The gentleman’s locomotive

Good day,

Some people may tell you that a gentleman never takes public transport. This is grossly untrue, and the person saying this may be suffering the cognitive effects of syphilis. You may want to direct them to their GP. A much more likely explanation, though, is that they have not read this article. Which makes sense, because it has only just been published. Today’s article concerns the grandest means of all transportation, the locomotive.

A locomotive. Later reengineered as a time-traveling locomotive in Hill Valley, 1885.

A gentleman prefers no other form of transportation to the locomotive. The scenery, convenience, dining car, colourful characters and ample supply of Scotch at the bar means that a gentleman spends many hours of his life on the railway.

The Beatles, about to board a locomotive. Ringo, short on cash at the time, had to steal a ticket to ride from one of Paul's lady friends. Paul was not amused.

A gentleman spends the majority of his time in the dining carriage, getting himself a drink and lighting up a cigar.

Federal laws prohibited smoking on this carriage, but Cary Grant was already a wanted man by now. And true gentlemen flout federal law if it entails lighting a lady's cigarette.

Riding the train, though, can sometimes be accompanied by long waits for connections at stations. This is why the first thing you pack should be your travel humidor, a few litres of Scotch and some good paperbacks. We suggest reading The Great Railway Bizarre by Paul Theroux to get you in the mood.

Sinatra sitting on his travel humidor. You should see his regular humidor.

But once the train arrives, it is quite literally full-steam ahead.

Sean Connery and his lady friend decide to catch the train to a dress-up party.

Once you’re on the train, you may decide to have a scotch or a smoke or take gentlemanly nap.

Or remove your top hat, shave your beard off and light up a pipe.

One must also keep in mind that locomotives are a prime place for murders to take place. That is why trains are often equipped with Holmes or Poirot.

Sherlock solves the case of the 9 letter word on the back of Watson's paper.

Keep in mind that if you are traveling internationally, some countries have limits on importing tobacco and alcohol. This means you should try and consume as much of your Scotch and cigars before your journey ends.

Sinatra at Customs proving that he did in fact consume four gallons of Scotch and smoke two boxes of cigars during a 90 minute train trip.

So when you are faced with the decision of how to make your way between continents, countries, cities or just suburbs, a gentleman cannot go past the locomotive.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

Fighting Nazis Part 2: Being Captured

Hello there,

To continue our informative guide on fighting Nazis we shall begin on lesson two, being captured.  Now you may think that this is an odd lesson to learn but it is inevitable that you will be captured by Nazis at least once.  In fact when fighting any ungentlemanly foe you will no doubt get captured and therefore this information is vital.

Clint Eastwood fails a Nazi test to pose stupidly for this photo. He was captured immediately after this picture.

Once you have completed Part 1 of fighting Nazis and have been captured by the Nazis you will most likely be put into a cell of some sort.  Nazis didn’t invent cells but they did know how to put people in them, usually through the door (sometimes by a secret chute).

Roger Moore in one of the more luxurious cells that a gentleman can find himself in. Here he loses a game of Rock, Gun, Dom Perignon.

There are different levels of capture that the forces of evil (I include any ungentlemanly opponents here except Matthew McConaughey, he’s in a league of his own) can subject you to.  If you are wearing a tuxedo at the time of your capture you will probably be locked up in a five star room with a full wardrobe and then be subject to dinner with your nemesis.  This may sound all well and good but the cosier the cell the more ingenious the way you will be killed.

Sean Connery is about to be played like a record by this gigantic needle. Although he escaped our top scientists have surmised that he would have played a cover of the James Bond Theme with bagpipes.

If you are captured in gentlemanly casual attire such as chinos and a blazer you can still expect to have an elaborate death.  These can range from being blown apart by jet engines to being eaten by exotic animals.

Roger Moore wrestles with an anaconda in his spare time before being fed to some exotic animal.

If you are captured in military fatigues then you will ultimately become a prisoner of war.  Although this law isn’t always abided by, the Nazis should allow you to take two things into the cell with you.  If you take Steve McQueen’s advice, and you should since he is a gentleman, those items should be a baseball mitt and ball.

Steve McQueen slowly erodes the wall of his cell by bouncing a baseball against it. The Nazis never saw it coming (although they didn't understand the intricacies of baseball).

The final dress code that a gentleman can be found in (and usually is) is a Nazi uniform, since we generally get captured while infiltrating.  In these circumstances the Nazis will do any number of things but usually it involves taking your top off and oiling you up.

Nemoy and Shatner after being caught infiltrating the Nazis. Shatner foresaw this and brought his own oil. Logical.

However if your opponents aren’t Nazis be prepared to be either drugged with dark magic or made to play Russian Roulette with Christopher Walken.

Harrison Ford chokes on a low grade Scotch blend (probably Johnny Walker Red) before being hypnotised by Thuggee priests. In these circumstances make sure to have child sidekick of Asian descent.

The main purpose of being captured (apart from the elaborate deaths) is to try to evoke some ungentlemanly behaviour.  This is the most insidious part of being captured.  However you won’t have to worry too much about that since as gentlemen we are unwavering and unyielding to any form of torture.

Although they didn't allow Michael Caine to shower, shave or wear a tie he was still a gentleman, they couldn't take that away from him (also the way he wore his hat and sipped his tea).

However don’t be dismayed by all this talk of capture, torture and death because just as surely as you will be captured, you will also be freed or escape via jet pack.  ”How does one do this” you ask?  Well you will have to make sure you don’t get captured before Part 3 of Fighting Nazis comes out.

Sorry Cary, you'll just have to wait until Part 3 is published to escape your bonds.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The gentleman’s communication

Hello there,

Since the dawn of gentlemen (445BC {Before Connery}) and even before that, during the formative stages of gentlemen when Cro-Magnon cavemen were rolling boulders away from their cave openings for their significant other, gentleman have strived for different ways to communicate with each other over long distances.

Don Adams used to communicate to people by listening to their shoes. Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes, or listened to one of their shoes' anecdotes.

Before Griffith and I invented the telephone and gave it to Alexander Graham Bell as a birthday present, there had been many forms of long distance communication.  These have included flags, smoke (communicating by smoking gigantic cigars), the letter, the telegram and tying a note to a rock and hurling it through the recipients window (discontinued method).

Alexander Graham Bell in carbonite.

Communication is an integral part of a gentleman’s business.  Be it receiving a soiree invitation via airmail and then sending your rsvp via telegram then only to thank the person for a wonderful evening over the telephone the next day, communication aids every step.

Groucho Marx writes the first ever 'text message' on this lady's back. She would then deliver the message and the recipient could send a message back to Groucho who would then take the message out to dinner.

The most gentlemanly form of communication is of course the humble letter.  For your most personal of correspondence you would handwrite the letter, however for typical day-to-day use it is fine to dictate a letter to your secretary whilst smoking a pipe and practising your putting into a cup.

Michael Caine pens a letter to a close friend in his vinyl library.

However if you want to skip some of the formalities that a written letter provides and if time is of the essence, then telephonic communication is your best bet.  Simply inform the operator who you would like to speak with and they will connect you forthwith.  Not in  your house?  Don’t worry, there are telephone stations in public now that can be used for a small fee.

Sean Connery uses a phone connected to the forest floor to contact his agent and agree to a quick brunch before his Sunday drive.

The best thing about a telephone is that you can speak directly to any person you wish to without delay and in the comfort of your favourite seat in your library (the one next to a roaring fire).

Cary Grant purchased a phone alright but he forgot to get a chair with which to sit in.

Today however there are even more ways in which to communicate.  Wireless phones, electronic mail and even bat signals serve as modern forms of long distance communication to the everyday gentleman.  The other day I was even informed about a system called “twitter” which can best be described as a telegram that gets sent to numerous people who don’t want it.

Groucho marx worked out a way to fight Nazis and send out invitations at the same time.

However I was informed by a young person that ‘twitter’ can in fact be used for good as well as the banal and therefore I hired this young person to set up a ‘twitter’ account for us here at The Gentleman.  Since we don’t know how to use it we simply write down what we wish our followers to read on a telegram which gets sent London before being posted via Royal Mail to Sean Connery’s house where he okays it before sending it to Cary Grant’s office ‘out tray’ where it is picked up by a young person and digitised onto twitter.  Simple.

Never owning a computer, Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra listen to Bing Crosby sing the latest TheGentlemanBlg "tweet" down the phone line.

Therefore if you would like to be on the recieving end of this process simply “follow” us at “thegentlemanblg” or go to the bottom of our homepage and click the “follow” link.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley