The astronautical gentleman

Good day,

If the gentleman hates anything more than Nazis, it’s Communists. In fact, the only thing gentlemen hate more than Communists is Nazis. And the only thing gentlemen hate more than Nazis is Matthew McConaughey. In fact, there is good evidence that Matthew McConaughey is both a Nazi and a Communist. Typical.

You can tell he's a Nazi because of his bleached hair, and you can tell he's also a Communist by his belief in the sociopolitical Marxist idealogy.

Many great gentlemen have spent their lives fighting both Nazis and Communists. Think of Winston Churchill, JFK and Sean Connery. A major victory for the gentlemen over Communism was achieved in winning the ‘space race’. The space race was a race to space, also known as the Moon. JFK set the race in motion on May 25, 1960 when he said he was going to fly himself the Moon in a ship he had fashioned out of old penny loafers. Upon advice, he decided it would be better to send someone more qualified and less sexually-active than himself and in a shuttle built by experts.

JFK on the set of the Twilight Zone to do some research on building a better rocket.

His intention to send a gentleman into space spawned a whole new class of gentleman: the space-going gentleman. Certainly the grandest of them all is Alan Shepard, who was the first man to golf on the moon.

Alan Shepard, because he was so good at golf and due to the Moon's weaker gravitational field, is about to circumnavigate the moon with this drive and get it in the hole marked by the flag behind him.

Not far behind Alan Shepard is Neil Armstrong, whose pioneering spirit and immense bravery are only slightly behind ‘playing golf wherever and whenever you can’ on the gentleman’s hierarchy of values.

Neil Armstrong in a suit to protect him from Communists. Communists hate nothing more than 'bourgeoisie' (i.e. non-beige) clothing.

There have been 12 men who have walked on the moon, but also many whose Communist-fighting efforts never quite landed them there. Jim Lovell, Michael Collins and Tom Hanks are just a few of those who got close but never made it. Some people will tell you Apollo 13 was just a film directed by Ron Howard. We call those people crazy conspiracy theorists.

Jim Lovell bought the Zapruder camera to film the Moon as a tribute to JFK. Unfortunately he never made it, so he just kept a video blog instead.

Even an Australian gentleman has made it into space to duel Communists. That man is Andy Thomas. He was the first to show that a gentleman can smoke a cigar in a vacuum.

Andy Thomas, just before the four-month intensive course on how to make your head not explode in space by putting your helmet on.

There were also many other gentlemen involved in putting a gentleman on the Moon and busting Communists in the process. Again, Australian gentlemen played a major role at the Parkes Observatory.

Some learned gentleman simultaneously intercept Communist intelligence and guide Apollo 11 to the Moon using state-of-the-art equipment.

There are two important messages to get from this. They are that Communists should be beaten at all races (and contests in general) they partake in, and also that some of the finest gentlemen are those who have taken gentlemanly activities such as golfing, smoking and gathering Moon rocks to other worlds.

Frank Sinatra and Count Basie begged to go the moon because they wanted to play among the stars. They also wanted to see what Spring was like on Venus and Mars. Unfortunately, they were grossly underqualified and hence did not go.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

The Gentleman Blog Turns One

Hello there,

As you no doubt already know, this month marks the one year anniversary of The Gentleman blog.  Of course The Gentleman has existed for millennia , beginning with stone tablets and papyrus scrolls before moving onto the printed page and sometimes even the tattoos of a sailor.  Therefor because of this milestone we shall present you with a comprehensive seasonal guide to The Gentleman’s year (this will be for the Southern Hemisphere, but for all those in the Northern Hemisphere we shall provide a conversion table).

Shatner tries to recall the conversion table for a planet with 12.5 seasons, 14 hemispheres, 9 poles and 3 triangular suns.

Winter

We shall start with the current season of Winter (For Northern Hemisphere, start with Summer).  It is during these bitterly cold months that your Scotch collection, tweed collection, and fireplace collection come to the fore. You will also be making extensive use of your umbrella, scarf, coat, musket and/or blunderbuss.

Michael Caine employs his pea coat, musket and french cuffs to duel this Philistine for consuming Scotch directly from the bottle whilst lying in rubble.

Much of your winter will be spent in your reading room, smoking a pipe while perusing ancient tomes or perfecting your putt across the Persian rug you were given as a gift during the Crusades into a goblet that holds significance in all of the World’s major religions.

Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin brave the winter cold for their curling team photo. They immediately retreated to the fireplace after the photo for a Scotch (except Stalin who stated that communists never retreat).

Spring

Spring is the time of mourning. It marks the passing of many great gentlemen, including Cary Grant and JFK. Yet also celebration, Dr. No aired first in Spring. It is time to cast off your winter coat, pull on your tartan golfing pants, polish your golf clubs and strap a humidor to your golf bag. That’s what JFK would have wanted.

Bob Hope helps out Frank Sinatra's golf game by freeing up his Scotch hand. Now he can have both hands on the club. Dean Martin looks on in awe of Hope's ingenuity.

Spring is also the time for Spring Cleaning.  For gentlemen this means cleaning out your humidor (by smoking all the cigars in it), tidying up your Scotch collection (by drinking all the open bottles) and generally tidying up your residence (putting all your leather bound books in Dewi decimal order, manicuring your lawn and polishing your vintage automobiles).

Groucho Marx manicures his lawn to within an inch of its life (1 inch long) while his bodyguards protect him from the harsh Spring sun.

Summer

The Summer months mark a time of rest for the gentleman.  A rest from all the soirees, benefit dinners and charity golf tournaments.  During these months a gentleman relaxes by a beach on a deserted Island wearing bermuda shorts and reading first editions in a hammock.

Sean Connery ponders what has gone wrong as he is apparently mistaken for a hammock by this lady. It's ok though, he mistook her for a first edition.

Much of a gentleman’s Summer months are spent next to or in water of some description.  Since a gentleman never dresses down during the summertime (no singlets, “board” shorts or “flip-flops”), the shirts and cravats can get quite hot and there is nothing better than a dip in some water (since a gentleman never drinks the stuff, he may as well cool down in it).

Charles-Marie Vanel enlists the help of Cary Grant, Grace Kelly and Alfred Hitchcock to mind his chair while he cools off in the Mediterranean sea. Notice Grant's immaculate post-swim hair and thousand-yard stare, staples of the summertime.

Autumn

The Autumn months are the somber bridge between the warm breezes, Highland malts and mild cigars of summer and the Singin’ in the Rain style winter that all gentleman enjoy. Autumn, therefore is often spent reflecting on one’s own mortality, observing the turning inwards of plants and animals before a long harsh winter. Other than this, a gentleman spends Autumn rebuilding his cigar and Islay malt reserves for the Winter ahead.

Robert Redford spent many of his Autumns in black and white... and a sweater

But spring is not all bleak; a gentleman makes the most of what each season offers him. Like a neanderthal uses each bit of the animal he has killed (for the purposes of this analogy, the abstract concept of a ‘year’ is represented by the slain animal, while the gentleman is represented by the much-less stylish – indeed unkempt – neanderthal). Autumn is equally weighted with reflection of a magnificent Summer past. A gentleman will also take this opportunity to hold all the lawn parties and extensive celebratory banquets with gallons of fortified wines and hours of speeches (during which it is customary to smoke cigars from start to finish) that Summer’s heat did not permit.

Rooftop afternoons are a pleasure best enjoyed on the warmer evenings in Autumn. Observe these gentleman drinking extremely full glasses of scotch.

After the passing of Autumn a gentleman may start the process all over again, unless of course he uses the magic of aviation to avoid winter’s frosty hands once more.

Harrison Ford and Sean Connery flee winter's grasp by escaping in this biplane. Unfortunately their cross-seasonal escape was marred by Nazis.

As a side note we would like to thank all the followers, readers and subscribers of The Gentleman for helping us spread the word of how to go about things in a gentlemanly way.  You can celebrate with us by pouring yourself a healthy Scotch and toasting to another year.  Cheers.

So there you have it, until next time.

G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith

Fighting Nazis Part 1: Infiltration

Hello there,

As you no doubt know, the natural enemy of the gentleman is of course the Nazi.  Gentlemen and Nazis have been locked in armed conflict ever since Nazis came into being, but luckily for us, gentlemen have been winning the battle.

Harrison Ford knew one or two things about fighting Nazis. However Ford needs to learn to steal uniforms of higher rank.

The main weapon that we have against Nazis is that it’s very easy to infiltrate their ranks, all you need to do is  knock a Nazi unconscious and steal his uniform (make sure you measure the Nazi up first, you want a uniform that fits).  This method is flawless and has never not worked in the battle against Nazis.

Kirk, Spock and Bones procure themselves an ensemble of Nazi uniforms. Also proof that Nazis will unfortunately exist in the distant future.

The problem that usually foils the undercover gentleman is his inability to speak German.  This isn’t a problem if you can keep your mouth shut.  However if you can’t then unfortunately there are many situations where “Gott im Himmel”, “Gesundheit” or “Neunundneunzig luftballons”
will only get you so far.

Michael Fassbender infiltrates a Nazi bar. He doesn't know any German so he just flirts with this lady by choosing a seductive gaze.

At any one point in time at least one tenth of the German army was made up of gentlemen who had infiltrated the ranks by stealing uniforms.  It even got to the point when the German army would take a break at 11 o’clock for tea.

Michael Caine turns his back on these suspicious Nazis after suggesting a game of cricket. He quickly quashed their suspicions by eating a strudel. Close one Michael.

There are a few ways that Nazis have learnt to weed out the gentlemen who have infiltrated their ranks.  The first test is to speak to possible suspects in the Queen’s English and see if the gentlemen accidentally reply in kind with perfect diction and manners.  Luckily there is a fool proof method to counteract this, simply shoot the Nazi.

Marlon Brando threateningly puts his hand near his gun as a Nazi approaches him. However he wasn't out of trouble yet.

The other problem that gives gentlemen in disguise away is that they tend to have the most immaculately maintained and well fitted Nazi uniforms, much more so than the actual Nazis.  This is because no matter how much a gentleman tries to emulate the Nazi scum, he cannot give up his love of sartorial splendour.  Therefore Brando (above) had to high tail it after the other Nazis saw his freshly laundered uniform.

Gregory Peck and David Niven had such immaculate uniforms that they were discovered instantly. Luckily for them they were the stars of this film and therefore had a favourable outcome in the script.

Now that you gentlemen know these tips on how to infiltrate the Nazis and evade capture, you can continue defending the world from fascism, prejudice and an unhealthy devotion to finding religious relics.

Harrison Ford learnt from his mistakes and stole a uniform that outranked Hitler himself. Here we see Ford order Hitler to do his homework for him. Unfortunately it was all wrong and in German.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley