As you no doubt already know, this month marks the one year anniversary of The Gentleman blog. Of course The Gentleman has existed for millennia , beginning with stone tablets and papyrus scrolls before moving onto the printed page and sometimes even the tattoos of a sailor. Therefor because of this milestone we shall present you with a comprehensive seasonal guide to The Gentleman’s year (this will be for the Southern Hemisphere, but for all those in the Northern Hemisphere we shall provide a conversion table).
Shatner tries to recall the conversion table for a planet with 12.5 seasons, 14 hemispheres, 9 poles and 3 triangular suns.
We shall start with the current season of Winter (For Northern Hemisphere, start with Summer). It is during these bitterly cold months that your Scotch collection, tweed collection, and fireplace collection come to the fore. You will also be making extensive use of your umbrella, scarf, coat, musket and/or blunderbuss.
Michael Caine employs his pea coat, musket and french cuffs to duel this Philistine for consuming Scotch directly from the bottle whilst lying in rubble.
Much of your winter will be spent in your reading room, smoking a pipe while perusing ancient tomes or perfecting your putt across the Persian rug you were given as a gift during the Crusades into a goblet that holds significance in all of the World’s major religions.
Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin brave the winter cold for their curling team photo. They immediately retreated to the fireplace after the photo for a Scotch (except Stalin who stated that communists never retreat).
Spring is the time of mourning. It marks the passing of many great gentlemen, including Cary Grant and JFK. Yet also celebration, Dr. No aired first in Spring. It is time to cast off your winter coat, pull on your tartan golfing pants, polish your golf clubs and strap a humidor to your golf bag. That’s what JFK would have wanted.
Bob Hope helps out Frank Sinatra's golf game by freeing up his Scotch hand. Now he can have both hands on the club. Dean Martin looks on in awe of Hope's ingenuity.
Spring is also the time for Spring Cleaning. For gentlemen this means cleaning out your humidor (by smoking all the cigars in it), tidying up your Scotch collection (by drinking all the open bottles) and generally tidying up your residence (putting all your leather bound books in Dewi decimal order, manicuring your lawn and polishing your vintage automobiles).
Groucho Marx manicures his lawn to within an inch of its life (1 inch long) while his bodyguards protect him from the harsh Spring sun.
The Summer months mark a time of rest for the gentleman. A rest from all the soirees, benefit dinners and charity golf tournaments. During these months a gentleman relaxes by a beach on a deserted Island wearing bermuda shorts and reading first editions in a hammock.
Sean Connery ponders what has gone wrong as he is apparently mistaken for a hammock by this lady. It's ok though, he mistook her for a first edition.
Much of a gentleman’s Summer months are spent next to or in water of some description. Since a gentleman never dresses down during the summertime (no singlets, “board” shorts or “flip-flops”), the shirts and cravats can get quite hot and there is nothing better than a dip in some water (since a gentleman never drinks the stuff, he may as well cool down in it).
Charles-Marie Vanel enlists the help of Cary Grant, Grace Kelly and Alfred Hitchcock to mind his chair while he cools off in the Mediterranean sea. Notice Grant's immaculate post-swim hair and thousand-yard stare, staples of the summertime.
The Autumn months are the somber bridge between the warm breezes, Highland malts and mild cigars of summer and the Singin’ in the Rain style winter that all gentleman enjoy. Autumn, therefore is often spent reflecting on one’s own mortality, observing the turning inwards of plants and animals before a long harsh winter. Other than this, a gentleman spends Autumn rebuilding his cigar and Islay malt reserves for the Winter ahead.
Robert Redford spent many of his Autumns in black and white... and a sweater
But spring is not all bleak; a gentleman makes the most of what each season offers him. Like a neanderthal uses each bit of the animal he has killed (for the purposes of this analogy, the abstract concept of a ‘year’ is represented by the slain animal, while the gentleman is represented by the much-less stylish – indeed unkempt – neanderthal). Autumn is equally weighted with reflection of a magnificent Summer past. A gentleman will also take this opportunity to hold all the lawn parties and extensive celebratory banquets with gallons of fortified wines and hours of speeches (during which it is customary to smoke cigars from start to finish) that Summer’s heat did not permit.
Rooftop afternoons are a pleasure best enjoyed on the warmer evenings in Autumn. Observe these gentleman drinking extremely full glasses of scotch.
After the passing of Autumn a gentleman may start the process all over again, unless of course he uses the magic of aviation to avoid winter’s frosty hands once more.
Harrison Ford and Sean Connery flee winter's grasp by escaping in this biplane. Unfortunately their cross-seasonal escape was marred by Nazis.
As a side note we would like to thank all the followers, readers and subscribers of The Gentleman for helping us spread the word of how to go about things in a gentlemanly way. You can celebrate with us by pouring yourself a healthy Scotch and toasting to another year. Cheers.
So there you have it, until next time.
G.O. Brixley and H.L. Griffith