The Gentleman’s Black Tie

Good day friends,

I was at a soiree held by the 12 princes of Patagonia yesterday securing a trade deal for luxurious textiles the likes of which the western world has never seen before, when the idea for this entry came to me. You see, I own a small arsenal of ties which I always take with me on goodwill missions abroad (it should be noted that my visit to Patagonia also included opening two schools, The Griffith Institute of Argentinian and Patagonian Gentleman and The Brixley and Griffith House of Whiskey – which also doubles as a distillery). But there is no more important tie to a gentleman’s arsenal than his black tie.

Paul Newman accompanied me to Patagonia to try and open up a new aioli and salad-dressing trade route. Marlon Brando also came because he's the only one who knows how to speak Patagonian.

You see, a black tie serves you perfectly in any situation you may find yourself in. Invited to a soiree? Need to greet foreign diplomats? Enter a black tie-wearing competition at short notice? You know what to do.

Need to check the time? Do what Sean Connery does and put a black tie on, put your timepiece in your hand and gaze into the distance.

Let’s not dance around the turkey here, ties are an essential part of a gentleman’s wardrobe. If you do not own any, you should start building a collection immediately. Start with a black tie and then build around that.

Or else.

Of course, there are many different ways to wear your black tie. If you’re just wandering down to the studio to record a ballad or two, you can loosen it a touch and tie a half windsor.

Frank Sinatra reads The Gentleman Newspaper - a short lived publication that Brixley and I published in the '60s.

If you’re going to a more formal function, soiree or funeral, you will want to tie a full windsor.

Like Bogart did at this sombre affair.

For other events, you may need to employ other knots.

Like the triple windsor.

Black ties are especially popular with musicians. If you have ever played an instrument, been to a show or even listened to music you should have a full-blown appreciation for the majesty of this sable garment.

You got a problem with that?

I remember seeing Duke Ellington play once. It was the night I learned that the black tie should not be reserved for only the most formal of occasions.

Duke Ellington adopting the Sean Connery style of checking the time.

So next time you go to your tie rack for a tie, remember that almost all occasions are improved by a gentleman such as yourself donning a black necktie. A gentleman in a black tie brings joy to all who lay eyes on him and his neck region.

Cary Grant, shortly before an impromptu soiree assembled around him.

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

The Grandmaster Gentleman

Salutations,

When I was a student (during the ’40s I studied mathematics and natural philosophy) I was an intellectual piranha.  In fact, I once single-handedly won a debate against a team consisting of Margarat Thatcher, Robert Oppenheimer and Douglas Haig regarding a topic fusing deregulation of the British economy, quantum electrodynamics and (bad) Great War military tactics.

Robert Oppenheimer during his unsuccessful rebuttal. That's what you get for trying to poison your tutor.

Once leaving the world of academia for exploits in banking, opening up trade routes and building Griffith Manor, opportunities to keep the mind sharp dissipated. To combat this happening to you, we here at The Gentleman suggest you start honing your chess skills.

Humphrey Bogart makes a move while playing against Charles Boyer (who is sitting on two phonebooks).

Chess is the perfect past-time for the intelligent gentleman. It teaches you critical skills of foresight, good-sportsmanship, strategy and the difference between black and white. It also may buy you a crucial few more days when your time comes.

A pre-make of Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey shows Bill playing chess with the Grim Reaper.

One of the beautiful things about chess is its simplicity. This lends itself to many variations to keep you sharp.

Charlie Chaplin referees a game of tag-team chess between Marlon Brando, Sophia Loren & Jerry Epstein and Sydney Chaplin. The game ended prematurely when Brando accused Loren of cheating, to which Loren accused Brandon of being Italian.

Captain Kirk also invented a variety of chess on the Starship Enterprise.

Kirk and Spock play a variation of space-chess. It involves an extra dimension and three extra pieces. The winner of this game plays Chekov in the final.

You may have noticed that the Russians are particularly adept at chess. I can only conclude that this is for two reasons. The first of which is that they enjoy overthrowing monarchs. The second of which is that liquor increases your ability to play and win games of chess.

Michael Caine demonstrates that a water-drinking "gentleman" will never conquer a liquor-drinking gentleman.

If you would like to start out and learn the rules of chess, I suggest you do a few things. First of all, get yourself a chess board and chess pieces. These can range from only a few dollars to thousands. Especially if you get your pieces custom-made.

Frank Sinatra enjoyed chess so much that he got his own pieces made for him.

The other thing you should do is purchase Griffith and Brixley’s Introduction to the Wonderful World of Chess. It goes through the history of chess, basic rules, key strategies and the best liquor to consume while playing chess. With these two critical ingredients, you are well on your way to becoming a grandmaster.

Bobby Fischer, chess prodigy, had a career as a chess grandmaster so successful that he could plaster his walls with the finest art known to man (pictured).

So we suggest that you take every opportunity to challenge your friends to a game of chess. It will keep you mentally sharp, drunk and entertained for hours. It may also help you out if you find yourself in the middle of World War II some time in the future.

A little-known fact about World War II was that it was settled by a game of chess between two oriental gentlemen (who, despite their uniforms, were not involved in the war).

Until next time,

H.L. Griffith

How to stay warm this Winter

Hello there,

As I look out my window I am constantly reminded of Scotland, where the rain fall is high and the temperature low.  But don’t despair, we here at The Gentleman take it as our personal mission to help you, the reader, in every possible way we can.  So let us tell you how to keep warm this Winter.

I'll give you a hint. Go into your private distillery and you're getting warmer in every sense of its meaning.

Step one is to pour yourself a stiff drink, preferably Scotch but if Scotch isn’t available then try Scotch.

Scotty astutely demonstrates step one.

Step two is to repeat step one numerous times until you don’t feel cold but are still in complete control of your gentlemanly faculties.

Errol Flynn can be excused for having one too many Scotches every now and then.

Now I know what you’re thinking but no, we aren’t geniuses (we are but not for this reason), the knowledge that alcohol has many magical properties including but not limited to keeping warm and fuelling the body is common knowledge.

The Saint Bernard was the real genius in this case.

Every gentleman who has ever climbed to the snowy peak of a mountain (every gentleman) knows the beauty of a stiff drink from a Saint Bernard.  In fact the Saint Bernard dog was called as such because Saint Bernard himself was the patron Saint of dog collars and miniature barrels of Scotch.

Michael Caine beats the cold by dressing up in his favourite uniform (with cravat) and saying a toast to Saint Bernard.

Some of you gentleman out there may be thinking that this method of temperature control is well known, but you would be surprised.

Sean Connery only got half the memorandum we sent him about "Alcohol and Warmth". Here he is having Scotch sponged onto him. Silly Sean.

But after conclusive studies we can safely say that consuming alcohol is the most effective way to battle the cold (studies carried out by Sean Connery).

That's better Sean, although your drink is in the other hand.

Not only will you save on your heating bill (the price of firewood and coal to fuel your many fireplaces) but you will also get the benefits that alcohol has to offer, like strengthening the kidneys and liver.  Just ask any doctor .

Don Draper finishes off a prescription that his doctor gave him. Just what the doctor ordered.

So take off your London Fog trench and get into a peaty Scotch this winter.

Bing Crosby, Grace Kelly and Frank Sinatra stay warm during this blizzard by toasting Saint Bernard with a drink.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley