The gentleman’s library

Good day,

It occurs to me that while I sit at my mahogany desk desk surrounded by archaic tomes that many budding gentleman have been far too focused on expanding their scotch and cigar collections and not their literature collection. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with a boisterous cigar reserve or enough scotch to power my scotch-fueled car more than 1500 furlongs. It’s just that of the many collections a gentleman holds, they must all grow at comparably to one another.

It may look like this gentleman has many more books than scotch, but actually he just stores his scotch reserve on the top shelf behind dusty almanacks for safekeeping. He then smells the pages of the books (which have been doused in scotch) to make his choice.

First things first, you are going to need a place to store all your books. This is not to say a chipboard bookcase from IKEA will suffice – as this would make Sir Arthur Conan Doyle turn in his grave if he were dead. Which he is. I suggest investing your oil fortune in a large mahogany bookshelf.

JD Rockefeller's library. It may not seem that extravagant, but it took up a good portion of his oil fortune (which was valued at US$14, or modern day AU$1.3 trillion)

And if you don’t have an oil fortune, I suggest taking a lumberjacking course, chopping down some sort of mahogany tree, then taking a carpentry course and constructing the bookshelf yourself. And if you’ve come this far, you may as well take a writing course and write some classics yourself that you can put upon the shelf.

This gentleman needs to take the above advice and fashion himself another bookshelf.

Of course not everyone has the time to take two separate, intensive courses and build themselves furniture. In this case, I suggest joining your local library. Sure, the shelves aren’t mahogany and the employees are surly and won’t let you smoke or drink inside. But that’s what your local reform club is for!

This librarian has the audacity to 'shush' someone, and then proceeds to stamp extremely loudly. How ungentlemanly.

You may use your personal library to store many of the classic gentlemanly literature. This also includes literature pertaining to some famous gentleman.

This verbose poster of Sean Connery's new book gives you an idea of the complex concepts that he tackles within.

In fact, you may relax in your library while doing many other gentlemanly activities. Be they smoking a cigar, enjoying a drink or inventing golf.

This Scottish man enjoys relaxing in his library after inventing the game of golf.

And remember, in the case of a nuclear holocaust and you’re the last person left on earth, remember to bring a spare pair of spectacles.

This man didn't.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

Biography: Sean Connery

Hello there,

Yes avid readers, it’s once again time for The Gentleman to examine the life and times of a particular gentleman.  The gentleman in question today is none other than Sean Connery.  And the question that Sean Connery is in is ‘who is Sean Connery?’.  Read on for the answer.

Sean Connery at the peak of physical health. Here he poses seductively for the Sean Connery Calendar 1967.

Thomas Sean Connery was born on August 25th 1930 to Euphemia and Joseph Connery of Fountainbridge Edinburgh.

Connery at his first job of being a milkman. I never said he was good at it.

Connery’s first job was as a milkman but after impregnating his entire route the young Connery thought he should give his loins a rest and join the Navy (little did he know that loin work is pretty much all sailors do, the dirty blighters).

Sean Connery in the Navy. Little known fact was that he captained a Russian submarine with Alec Baldwin. The vessel almost couldn't surface due to all the chest hair on board.

After his stint in the Navy, Connery had numerous jobs (including bodybuilding) until he found his calling as an actor.  His big breakthrough came when he was cast as James Bond in the 1962 film Dr. No.

Sean Connery in Dr. No. In this scene Connery makes this man kiss his car for accidentally dinging it with his briefcase.

After impregnating all his co-stars during his time as James Bond he thought he would give his loins a rest and start playing hardened ex-cons and jewel thieves in a variety of films (little did he know that his loins would still get worked out thanks to Catherine Zeta Jones and Kim Basinger)

Even as he aged gracefully, younger women couldn't help but fling themselves at him due to his sheer animal magnetism. Here Kim Basinger cheats Alec Baldwin (it's a chest hair thing).

Connery’s greatest post-Bond role came in the form of Indiana Jones’ father Henry.  During the role he got to bed a Nazi spy, and also he had to bed her on film as well.

Sean Connery proves that bald men can still attract fascist double agents. So can Harrison Ford but Connery was there first.

Now Connery lives in a castle in the Scottish Highlands where he wrestles sea monsters and plays golf with clubs he carves from their bones.

Sean Connery on the shores of sunny Loch Ness waiting for another monster to wrestle.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

 

The gentleman’s calendar

Hello there,

As it is January and most of you gentlemen out there will have gotten a new daily planner to organise which days you play golf and which days you drink sake with the Japanese ambassador.  However there are some important gentlemanly dates that you should not double book.

March 22nd: Internationl talk like William Shatner day

On this… day William Shatner was born. Therefore… we… should take moments throughout the day to talk like……… William Shatner.

William Shatner wasn't only one of our generations most unique actor/starship commanders, he was also a notorious lethario as shown by his trademark 'Kirk' seductive expression. It worked on a vast number of women, aliens and even a robot.

Although this day was created by comedians so as to mock Shatner’s futuristic acting intonations we should also take this day to recognise all the good deeds he has done for the gentlemanly community.  And if you find yourself double booking this day with the Japanese ambassador it is compulsory at the karaoke night you attend (and you will) to perform a spoken word rendition of Elton John’s Rocket Man.

October 5th: Dr. No premiered in 1962

The first of the James Bond novels to be adapted for the silver screen, Dr. No is the quintessential Sean Connery movie.

Sean Connery shows that style really is his middle name when he turns up to work in a tuxedo. In this scene the man on the right tries to explain why the gun he is holding is deadlier than Connery's fists. He was soon proved wrong.

To commemorate this premier you should watch it on the original 35mm pressing of the film that you purchased from that James Bond memorabilia auction.  The drink of choice for this day is a martini followed by a bottle of Dom Perignon ’53 (preferable over the ’55).

November 22nd: The gentleman’s Christmas period officially begins.

On this day we kick off the festive season by remembering John F. Kennedy and playing a round of golf in his honour.

Kennedy was the most stylish and gentlemanly president the Whitehouse had seen since Abraham Lincoln made the 'undertaker' look popular in the 1860s. Unfortunately for the world of style, both were gunned down by lesser dressed individuals.

The gentleman’s christmas period starts from this day and goes for a whole year until November 22nd the following year when the process starts all over again.

November 29th: Gentleman’s Easter.

This is one of the most important days of the gentleman’s year.  The day that Cary Grant passed on.  On this day you should don your finest suit and pay homage to the great man by running away from a crop duster.

Cary Grant is now walking in greener pastures. And apparently in these pastures it's the 1700s, but only for Grant.

After a good run around the crop field, all gentlemen should congregate at the local reform club or white table-clothed bar and honour the man that wrote the book on being a gentleman.  That’s not a figure of speech, he actually wrote the book.

Cary Grant proof reading a manuscript for 'the book'. Here he reads it to his dog to try to imbue some gentlemanly habits into it. However the dog cannot understand English and so Grant reads it in his head.

So there you have it.  There will be more dates to add to your calendar in latter posts, so don’t fret, it’s unbecoming for a gentleman.

G.O. Brixley

The overindulgent gentleman

Hello,

Avid readers of The Gentleman Blog – of which there are throngs – will be familiar with the fact a gentleman holds his own. It should never be underestimated how the budding gentleman can lose his composure after too many drinks. However, once you are a practiced gentleman, who has years of experience of drinking various gentlemanly beverages, there are certain side-effects that you may choose (carefully) to summon for good reasons.

Here we will examine some classic gentleman who have benefited from finishing the bottle.

Churchill, nearing the end of his glass of scotch, orders two more.

Winston Churchill has gone down in history primarily as a quintessential gentleman (other lesser known reasons were his role as British prime-minister during the war and as a cigar aficionado). In fact, one of Churchill’s most famous speeches was given after beating Franklin Roosevelt in a scotch tasting competition that went to twenty-four tie breaks. Who is to say what would have happened has Churchill not given this inspiring/slurred speech?

The gentleman, that’s who! It would have been left up to Indiana Jones to single-handedly defeat the Nazis without the help of the British.

It would have looked a little something like this. Times thirteen million.

Another figure from the rich history of gentleman that fits today’s category (along with pretty much every other category on The Gentleman Blog) is Frank Sinatra. Some say that Sinatra was somewhat like Eric the Schoolboy. Except instead of eating bananas, he would drink Jack Daniels. And instead of turning into Bananaman, he would become a supreme crooner, actor and gentleman. The perfect analogy.

Sinatra with a microphone in one hand and a glass of Jack in the other. He would sometimes replace the microphone with another glass of Jack and sing into that.

In fact, there are precisely zero recordings of Sinatra singing live when he has not referenced his drink or his intention to drink during the set. His acting skills – as ample as they were – were magnified twenty-fold after a morning of drinking. Most scenes from Ocean’s 11 were shot only once because Sinatra did not like to be kept from getting to the bar to top up. Do you think he liked doing this? Keeping yourself in a stupor is a sacrifice Sinatra made to enhance the joy for audiences the world over. What a gentleman.

Cary Grant is another who knew when to stop. But he also knew when to continue. For some scenes, no amount of acting talent can substitute the authenticity of six litres of Scotland’s finest single malts.

Cary Grant, moments before winning a staring competition for this drink.

And let’s not forget Boris Yeltsin. Sure, he didn’t have Sinatra’s style, Cary Grant’s eyes and couldn’t run a country economically or politically, but he was a big factor in bringing down communism in modern day Russia. And if JFK says communism is bad, then you can’t argue with that.

One of Yeltsin’s most emblematic moments came when he stood atop a tank and quelled a potential coup of then-leader, Mikhail Gorbachev. He was also heavily under the influence of various alcohols. Did Yeltsin like being drunk? Of course he didn’t. But have you ever tried to stop a bloody overthrow of a government while sober? It’s not easy.

Boris Yeltsin knows all about keeping the company of women, but might want to read our article on dancing.

And so, remember to drink to a gentlemanly moderation. Only use your secret weapon of that extra scotch when you really need it.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

In the company of women

Hello there,

Even as this blog becomes more popular with the gentlemanly population we must look at the sad fact that true gentlemen are few and far between.  Why is this?  I blame tracksuit pants but I have yet to finish my thesis so I shall refrain from making further accusations.

Sean Connery was hard pressed to find gentlemen in his own league, therefore he resorted to the next best thing (or even better!) by surrounding himself with a bevy of beautiful women.

Due to the fact that gentlemen are a rare breed it is sometimes very hard to find a smoking partner or someone to play 18 rounds of golf with followed by an Islay single malt.  Therefore as gentlemen we must find other willing parties to partake in our gentlemanly activities.

Roger Moore knew the benefits of associating with women instead of the common man. Just look at his surprised delight. He just can't believe it.

Since women are higher on the gentlemanly scale than gentlemen themselves (women always come first), the choice is simple.  If your common male friends complain, perhaps tell them to swap the trackpants for some nicely pressed trousers and get back to you.

Cary Grant finds out the hard way of the shortcomings of associated with uncouth men after his attempted Scotch tasting session takes a 'Pulp fiction' turn.

As it happens there are more women than men and therefore it should be no hassle at all to round up an entire group of gentle-ladies to accompany you on your gentlemanly activities.

Here we see Frank Sinatra with a congregation of women. Notice how he uses them to good effect by letting them wear the dresses (Sinatra's act worked much better this way around)

 

There are many activities a gentleman with a large company of women can do.  For example there is doubles tennis, water polo, regular polo, and also non-sporting gentlemanly pastimes like drinking.  If you don’t think that women can drink, think again.  Although women may not like a neat Scotch they have adapted alcohol into a veritable smorgasbord of cocktails.

Even in the future women are preferred company over the lower 'red shirt' ranks of the starship's security crew (who are no doubt being killed by a monster out of shot...typical).

The only downfall of mixing with large groups of women is that some of them might get the wrong idea about your motives.  As gentlemen we have purely plutonic motives towards women that we are not courting.

Here Frank Sinatra gets himself into an akward situation when the pack of girls he was associating with get the wrong idea. Poor Frank, all he wanted to do was write in his diary (shown here)

So next time you cannot find a gentleman such as yourself to socialise with, choose women.  In the company of women is the gentlemanly way.

Unfortunately for Sean Connery he was not up to the lofty hygiene standards of this flock of women and he had to be sanitised before any socialising could take place. Chin up Sean.

So there you have it.

G.O Brixley

 

 

Biography: Frank Sinatra

Hello there,

This is the second installment of a series we run here at The Gentleman where we document the life of a well-known gentleman. Today’s article concerns none other than Frank Sinatra (and why would it? We only document one gentleman at a time).

Sinatra relaxes at his home in Palm Springs. Notice the state-of-the-art technology and the bowl of either cigarette packs or wads of money on the table. A true gentleman.

Frank Sinatra was born December 12, 1915 as Francis Albert Sinatra in Hoboken, New Jersey. He legally changed his name to ‘Frank’ soon afterwards. Sinatra starting singing for tips at the age of 8. He spent the majority if his takings on suits, cigars and scotch – all of which were popular with kids in the ’20s. It was a different, more gentlemanly (and hence better) time.

Sinatra became increasingly popular in the ’30s and ’40s amongst bobby soxers for his resonant voice, chiseled jawline and his hat. He also achieved fame and success in moving pictures, or ‘talkies’ – often with other renowned gentleman such as Gene Kelly. This culminated in an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor in From Here to Eternity. Despite this being due to his connections with the mob, critics agree he would have won the award regardless of this.

He also won the one-off Academy Award for Most Bourbon Consumed During Filming (shared with Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jnr) for his performance in Ocean’s 11.

Frank Sinatra is also credited with having invented the openable car door, as demonstrated here. A gentleman never exits the car via the roof.

Sinatra is, of course, known first and foremost for his voice. He endured success spanning eight decades, released dozens of albums and is one of the best-selling artists of all time. Some of his best known albums include Come Dance With Me, Come Fly With Me, Come Swing With Me and Come Drink With Me.

Sinatra, moments before swatting mosquitos on each of his thighs.

Sinatra was also at the forefront of many gentlemanly institutions. He served as Chairman of the Board in the Congress of Gentlemen that included Cary Grant, Paul Newman, William Shatner and JFK. This is where his nickname ‘The Chairman of the Board’ came from. It was an extremely accurate nickname.

Sinatra also served as the Gentleman's Sheriff for a period in the '60s. Here he is telling Mongomery Clift to light a cigar, otherwise he'll have to take him to the big house.

Sinatra is the quintessential gentleman because he adheres to all the traits that make a gentleman. Peruse any post on The Gentleman Blog and you will notice that not only did Sinatra fit the bill, he probably wrote the bill and got a healthy tip as well.

Sinatra effortlessly mixes wearing a suit and golfing.

Sometimes he would coalesce 8 or 9 distinct gentlemanly traits into one snap shot.

Sinatra mixes golf, fashion, a nonchalant pose, sharp hairstyle into one moment in time. What you can't see is his cigar, scotch and respect for women - which are all just out of shot.

So if there is something we can learn from the lecture in gentlemanliness that is Frank Sinatra’s life, it’s that you can never be too much of a gentleman.

Sinatra and JFK arrive early for a meeting of the Congress of Gentlemen.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The tailor-made gentleman.

Hello there,

If gentlemen were superheroes (and who is to say they aren’t?) then the gentleman’s suit would be his uniform.  This being the case it is important that when you are puchasing a suit, you get it made to your exact specifications.  You don’t see Superman running around with baggy exterior undergarments do you?

Roger Moore gets tailored to within an inch of his life. Still he finds time for a last cigarette.

Having a suit tailored to your gentlemanly physique is not a luxury, it is a necessity, and hence should not be overlooked.

Pierce Brosnan gets fitted for a suit to make him look every bit the gentleman. Pity he would only wear this suit in one good film. (For those of you playing at home the answer is Golden Eye)

Since it is very rare to find a suit that fits one perfectly, and as gentlemen, we strive for perfection, you should have the aforementioned suit nipped and tucked until it moves as one with your body but will a little extra room for those two cigars you keep in your breast pocket.

Sean Connery not only got his suits fitted, he got everything fitted, even down to his custom made undergarments. (An idea he got off Superman)

The gentleman’s Mecca as it were, is of course Savile Row.  Savile Row being a street in Monopoly’s most expensive area of Mayfair.  Savile Row consists of the finest bespoke tailoring that has ever graced the earth.

Even Cary Grant couldn't tailor his clothes as good as Savile Row's finest, a concession he was willing to give.

When you have your four daily Scotches you should acknowledge the direction of Savile Row before you drink.

Savile Row. Where gentlemen are made (notice the typographical error on this antiquated photograph).

Also much like Mecca, a gentleman must make a pilgrimage to Savile Row once in their lifetime and purchase a tailored suit from a member of the Savile Row Bespoke Association.

Cary Grant paws at this Savile Row window, pining for the sartorial treasures inside. Then of course he remembered that he was a rich movie star and went inside to purachse said treasures.

Once you have purchased your own Savile Row suit – a suit that will last a gentleman’s lifetime (82) – you can walk anywhere with the style and benevolent demeanor that is second nature for a gentleman knowing that you have seen the holy land.

The gentleman's rapture. Instead of ascending to heaven the gentleman's rapture will take the form of a tweed bicycle ride through Savile Row.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

 

 

The university gentleman

Hello all,

It takes many years for a man to become a gentleman. There are subtleties in courtesy, table etiquette, social norms and in many other gentlemanly attributes that the gentleman must perfect before becoming the perfect gentleman. There are various breeding grounds for the gentleman. For one, you could attend The Griffith and Brixley College for Gentleman (TGBCG). Summer classes will be commencing shortly.

Of course, TGBCG is a prestigious institution and spots are hotly contested. So today I will be talking about another place where gentleman are born (not literally) – universities. Walk around a university today and you will no doubt see many ungentlemanly beings. But look closer and you will see many future gentleman (or, in the case of well established professors and anyone with tenure, current gentleman). You can identify them by their impeccable posture, tweed jackets and the perfume of cigar smoke mixed with brylcreem.

Einstein commissioned this new university to be built, but had to fire the builders after they confused feet with inches (resulting in it being too small by a factor of fifteen thousand)

A gentleman must have an unquenchable thirst.  An unquenchable thirst for knowledge (and scotch). This is because knowledge and scotch are very similar. Firstly, one bottle is never enough. Secondly, you can attain it from thick text books (if you can’t get scotch from your books, then you’re buying the wrong books). Thirdly, even if you’ve been drinking it all day, you can’t seem to stop.

I myself am currently reading four books simultaneously – Cary Grant’s Official Biography, The Fundamentals of Modern Cosmology, Cary Grant’s Unofficial Biography, and another book that just has a bottle of scotch hidden within.

Sean Connery, with a bottle of scotch wrapped in his degree, is ready for a celebratory drink.

Many gentleman, therefore, prefer to spend most of their lives in and around universities. There is also something about the solid stone architecture, rich mahogany desks, bankers lamps and rolling lawns that attracts the gentleman.

Harrison Ford sports a three-piece, bowtie and non-prescription glasses when he lectures in archaeology. He also frequently looks off into the distance, concerned.

There are other attractions of university for the gentleman. Other than the fact that no man’s reading room is complete without a framed degree, sporting life at universities is also gentleman-friendly. Tennis, cricket and polo are all not only extremely gentlemanly past-times, but brought about many other gentlemanly inventions.

The button down collar was invented by Ivy League universities so that a gentleman’s collar would not blow in his face during a game of polo. Rene Lacoste also invented the polo shirt for playing tennis in. Lacoste never attended university, but has an honourary graduate of The Griffith and Brixley College for Gentleman.

The Oxford Tennis team, just before they lost in straight sets to the 1942 graduating class of The Griffith and Brixley College for Gentleman. They were also out-dressed, but only marginally.

So remember, there is nothing more gentlemanly than spending some of the formative years of your life at the gentlemanly petri dish that is university. I mean, Tom Selleck did…

Tom Selleck recieves his Bachelor's Degree in Hawaiian Detective Work.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The gentleman’s New Year’s resolution

Hello there,

As you may or may not be aware, the new year was rung in during our sabbatical here at The Gentleman.  As such may I congratulate all of our followers for making it into what I’m sure will be an eventful year of gentlemanly pastimes.

I thought it only proper that we here at The Gentleman would share our New Year’s resolutions with you in an effort to stimulate your gentlemanly urges and branch out into a new area of gentlemanly habits that you may not have tried before.

1. Travel in gentlemanly style.  Even if it’s out to the countryside for a picnic, make sure you travel somewhere this year.  Don’t forget to carry yourself as a gentleman at all times and also don’t remember to take the back up red wine.

If travelling overseas, why not travel like The Beatles? Make sure you have a throng of people constantly surrounding you, taking pictures and then occasionally perform a stadium concert to screaming fans.

2. Put your feet up once in a while.  It is important that a gentleman has sufficient ‘down time’ so as to recharge the gentlemanly batteries.  It’s a proven fact that playing golf followed by cigars and Scotch is as labour intensive on the body as 5 marathons, therefore a gentleman should take time when he can to rest and relax.  Remember, stress can kill you, especially if it’s in the guise of that armed Cat Burglar I apprehended when I was on the French Riviera.

Cary Grant puts his feet up like it's no one's business. Grant was actually the fittest person in the world during the 1950s but even he had to rest sometimes.

3. Find the Maltese Falcon. This is a pretty self explanatory resolution.  Elusive and priceless, the Falcon has been sought after by many a gentleman.

Humphrey Bogart pictured here with a replica Maltese Falcon. Bogart hung this picture above his desk to remind him of his lifelong quest for the Falcon. Did he find it? There is only one way to find out and that's to exhume his coffin. Quick! To Glendale California!

4. Test Pilot an experimental form of transportation.  Gentlemen are by definition, fearless.  Therefore why not put your courage to the test and take a trip to the wild side via experimental transportation.

Sean Connery didn't just prove that he was fearless by test piloting this helicopter thing, he also defeated Blofeld and his private army of evil henchmen.

5. Learn to stare like Michael Caine. If there is one thing that Michael Caine was good at, (and there wasn’t, since he was good at most things such as masonry or skydiving) it was staring down an opponent.  Learn the art of his stare and you are bound to be victorious in any duel.

Just looking at this picture makes me cower. It's as if he can see my soul and has then asked it to lunch, only to stand it up and feel no remorse.

6. Be the best gentleman you can be.  As gentleman we should strive to be the height of style, honour, compassion and promoting the gentlemanly way of going about things.  But there is always room for improvement, even here at The Gentleman.  So be the best gentleman you can be for this year of 2011 and maybe one day we can all attain the status of Cary Grant.

In Grant we trust.

G.O. Brixley