A history of the gentleman’s Christmas

Hello again,

Today I will be writing a short piece on the history of Christmas. You have no doubt already read the overview of Christmas, Christmas music and the spirit of Christmas, but there is some important history behind gentleman and the festive season. So please read on.

In the early days, Christmas was celebrated by lying on a rug and surrounding yourself with weird looking women.

Christmas dates back literally dozens of years. It began on a quiet morning, in a town far away, by a man who died long before his time. He was a distinguished gentleman in every sense and was renowned for upholding gentlemanly morals at all times. That’s right, you know who I’m talking about.

JFK erects the first Christmas tree after he invented Christmas.

Of course, I’m referring to the modern reincarnation of Christmas in a festive sense, not a biblical one. This is Christmas as a celebration of family, togetherness and smooth Cuban tobacco. If you’d like to know the strict derivation of biblical Christmas, please refer to the birth of Hercules.

Franklin Roosevelt somehow pre-empts the invention of Christmas, which did not occur until about 15 years after his death.

So JFK is credited with being the founder of the holiday of Christmas. If anyone shows you a photo of people celebrating Christmas before circa 1960, treat this person with the utmost suspicion. If they profess their innocence, then it’s a sure sign that they’re lying. Do not hesitate in challenging them to a duel.

A gentleman enjoys the first ever Christmas. JFK stipulated that every man must recieve a set of golf clubs each year, as seen in the background.

And so now with our new-found knowledge of the true history of Christmas, I would like to wish you a merry Christmas on behalf of The Gentleman. Don’t forget to keep our saviour (you may choose between Hercules and JFK) in your thoughts.

Gene Kelly is well known for his singing, dancing and acting abilities. A lesser-known fact about him is that he invented tinsel.

And so concludes The Gentleman’s week of Christmas!

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The spirit of Christmas

Hello there,

Due to the heavy dose of yuletide cheers going around I thought it only natural to write a post about the spirit of Christmas.  That of course, as you well know, is Scotch.

Sean Connery knows how to fill himself with the spirit of Christmas. All he needs is a delicious single malt Scotch and an hour.

This of course is not a hard and fast rule.  Since we live in a secular society these days, the drinks you consume over Christmas are not dictated by the Bible anymore.  No longer will we have to constantly drink red wine for twelve days straight.  Thank God.

Here we see two old friends Roger Sterling and Don Draper enjoying a Christmas catchup. You shouldn't be drinking alone at Christmas time.

That being said, there is no reason you wouldn’t want to drink Scotch unless you are cleansing your palate with a martini of course.

Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby give the Scotch a rest while they catch up over Christmas. Many an anecdote was told that night I can tell you.

But there is more meaning to the ‘spirit’ of Christmas than just a peaty single malt.  Christmas is about being around the people you love and then drinking a peaty single malt.  It’s been like that ever since Saint Nicholas gave Scotch to battle weary crusaders on Christmas day four thousands years ago.

Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau can put aside their life long feud to sit down and have a drink at Christmas time.

So why not pick up the telephone and call one of your good friends, invite them round and indulge in some fine banter over a bottle of Scotland’s finest (I don’t mean Sean Connery).

In this rare picture Michael Caine and Sean Connery have gotten together to celebrate and reinact the first Christmas. Here we see Sean Connery indicated the direction of where they will be able to find some Scotch.

So there you have it.  Merry Christmas.

G.O. Brixley

 

The gentleman’s Christmas music

Hello all!

I was on the elevator at my department store – “Griffith’s” – the other day and was pleased to hear the Christmas music I had chosen. On my frequent excursions to rival department stores (to scope out the competition and spike their perfumes with an extract of Amorphophallus Titanium that I acquired in Sumatra) I realised that many people are yet to come around to the gentleman’s Christmas music.

Nat King Cole sings Christmas classics including 'The First Noel', 'Silent Night' and 'and many more'.

You see, the gentleman did not invent Christmas carols, as you might have thought. In fact, gentleman can not stand Christmas carols. I can hear what you’re saying: “You’re mad, Griffith! Some of history’s finest gentlemen have lent their voices to Christmas carols!”. This is true, but you have missed the whole point of the gentleman’s foray into caroling. Gentlemen in the 1920s were tired of being ostracized by their dislike of popular Christmas songs of the time. It pained them because gentlemen enjoy the festive season as much as the next man. So what else to do but bring a touch of gentlemanly class to the genre?

Dean Martin gets into the Christmas spirit. What other explanation is there for a red, dotted suit?

So high-ranking and well-known gentlemen from all over were recruited to serenade to the masses. They included Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole and Dean Martin. This may tempt you to think that Michael Buble or Elton John are amongst these fine gentlemen just because they have released Christmas albums. I cannot stress how incorrect this is. As your punishment, you must now listen to their albums in entirety. Also, please reread the Gentleman Impostor post.

Sinatra gathers his gentleman friends and records one of many Christmas albums. He is also demonstrating the gentleman's bread-and-butter pose of coat-over-the-shoulder-and-looking-back pose.

Christmas songs were, of course, designed by monks or some such person many years ago. And the gentleman has since revolutionized the carol to be pleasing to the gentleman’s ear. While most of these songs could be transformed by the solo genius of Sinatra et al., for some carols the bland melody and trite words had to be performed by more than one gentleman to make it pleasing to other gentleman’s ears. You see, when many gentlemen come together as one, the sheer force of their scotch and cigary odour will overcome the tackiness of many Christmas songs.

The Rat Pack take a journey into the third dimension for the good of gentleman-kind.

So thanks to previous gentleman’s efforts, we now have gentleman-friendly music to enjoy and get into the spirit of Christmas with. What better way to enjoy a festive evening than with your pipe, your Chesterfield, a warm fire place (for those of us in the Old World), a refreshing Scotch and some gentleman crooning a carol on your gramophone.

Bing Crosby looking perfectly natural and relaxing in his living quarters.

And don’t forget, the gentleman’s expedition into Christmas music did not stop in the 1950s. The Beatles released no fewer than (in fact, exactly) seven Christmas albums. Unfortunately since then the genre has since slipped from the gentleman’s monopoly.

The Beatles' second in a seven part anthology of critically-acclaimed Christmas masterpeices. The only thing more critically-acclaimed than their Christmas albums were their suits and hairstyles.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The gentleman at Christmas

Hello there,

As you are well aware I’m sure, Christmas is upon us like a lion upon a gazelle that I plan on shooting and making into a rug.  Due to this fact, the whole week we shall be posting Christmas themed posts.  I shall start the week off with a general overview of Christmas and the long relationship it has had with gentlemen.

Here Humphrey Bogart has given Lauren Bacall a servant child for Christmas. They are standing in front of some sort of Christmas themed plant.

Christmas is a wondrous time when the gentleman may get to treat himself to a little more Scotch than usual (to give him that extra hit of Christmas cheer).  Also a lot of meat tends to be consumed, which is always a good thing.

A great gentlemanly pastime at Christmas is to play the piano whilst people stand on ladders behind you. It's an old tradition whose origins stem from the nativity.

Christmas started over two thousand years ago when the son of God was born.  Hercules was born in a humble pig stye and was then placed in a manger, or troff.  Soon thereafter he was visited by a number of wise men (If you think there were three of them you should stop getting your Bible facts from Frosty the Snowman) who gave him some very inappropriate children’s toys (not very wise if you ask me).

Here we see Michael Caine reenacting the birth of Christ with the help of puppets. As you can tell, the Pig who represents Mary Christ has given birth to a turkey representing Thor Christ whom they will all consume as a sort of communion style banquet.

Because of this giving of gifts, we now give each other presents under the facade that a fat Kenny Rodgers look-a-like breaks into our houses via the easily accessibly chimney and puts them under a tree that for some reason is indoors.

Santa may have a stressful job being an imaginary person who delivers millions of presents in a ridiculous ski outfit, but he gets through the day with the relaxing flavours of Lucky Strike.

But apart from all the inexplicably random series of events, Christmas is good for a few things.  If you live in the Northern hemisphere then Christmas is the ideal time to stand next to a fireplace, smoke and have a hearty drink.

Bing Crosby was responsible for 50% of all Christmas songs ever recorded. However you can't stay mad at him for that, just look at his face.

If you live in the Southern hemisphere, Christmas means you can sun yourself whilst sipping a martini by the pool as you cook your steak to perfection (rare) on a primitive outdoor stove (or barbeque, derived from the word barbarian).

Sean Connery getting into the Christmas spirit.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The courageous gentleman

Hello all,

The other day I was taking a reflective, pipe-smoking walk around Lake Griffith when I noticed an injured swan across the water. Having introduced many foreign and dangerous creatures from my travels to Lake Griffith over the years, it is perilous to enter the lake or even to go within two fathoms of its perimeter. But did this cross my mind? Of course not! When Griffith sees another creature in distress, he does not hesitate to go to its rescue.

A picturesque view of a quiet pocket of Lake Griffith. Lake Griffith is the 4th largest naturally-occuring, fresh-water, inland lake that is contained entirely on private property in the south-western hemisphere.

So without a moment’s hesitation I dropped my pipe, stripped myself of my waistcoat and brogues and dived forth into the liquid menagerie. I will not go into the details of my battles with monstrous, pre-Jurassic fish or my capture (an subsequent escape) by an underwater colony of (what I previously thought to be peaceful) half-reptile, half-human, half-crustaceans.

While many of the underwater beings were more interesting in tending their garden than capturing me, they were ruled over by an evil despot who feasts on the meat of gentlemen.

But none of this detered me. I finally made it to the other side of the lake and the swan was healed by my gentlemanly touch. The point here is that a gentleman should have a seemingly infinite reserve of courage. The gentleman should be able to summon it at a second’s notice and do what he has to do.

William Shatner will go to any length to protect his sleeping gentlelady from this poorly dressed gremlin.

Courage, in the gentlemanly sense, can manifest itself in many forms. It does not necessarily need to be putting yourself in danger’s way to save a buxom gentlelady. Although this is preferable and normally more rewarding.

Indiana Jones, pictured here, was known for putting himself in perilous situations. His courage was unparalleled and should be held up as a beacon for all gentlemen to strive for. Also, it takes courage to make a fourth film when the script and supporting cast are terrible.

So when you are out on your daily gentlemanly adventures, never hesitate to show some chutzpah. Remember, the masses of the ungentlemanly and anti-gentlemen will cower away and it is the gentleman’s responsibility to save, help and assist wherever possible.

It takes a lot of courage to sport this bright red jacket.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The double breasted suit

Hello there,

Whilst sipping a refreshing martini on the shores of Lake Brixley (adjacent to Castle Brixley) a member of the luncheon I was on asked me about double breasted suit jackets.  I told him to peruse The Gentleman and his questions will be answered.  Unfortunately I had not published this article that I am writing and hence his perusal (whilst entertaining and informative to him) left his quest for knowledge unsatisfied.  He wrote me a letter explaining his disappointment and now I am making amends by writing this post.

George Lazenby wears this double breasted suit to full effect as he playfully poses against this picturesque backdrop.

The double breasted suit jacket originated from the Navel Reefer jacket which in turn went on to become the Navel style peacoat or trench that we gentlemen are predisposed to wearing in the colder months.

Cary Grant opts for a white double breasted suit as he exits his private flying machine whilst carrying the daily broadsheet.

There are variations on how many buttons there are on a double breasted jacket as opposed to the number that actually fasten.  The way to describe a double breasted jacket is to firstly say the number of buttons it has and then the number of buttons that fasten (usually the number of button holes it has).  Therefore you may have a six-on-three, six-on-two, or even four-on-two jacket.

Steve McQueen expertly goes for the cross legged lean while nonchalantly showing off his double breasted suit and drawing your eye towards the buttons with a lazy index finger.

I have a double breasted jacket that I picked up in Italy which is a two-on-one jacket.  Imagine that!

Humphrey Bogart single handedly gave rise to the double breasted suit's prominence during the 1930s-1950s. A little known fact is that Humphrey's pajamas were double breasted also.

Don’t think that the double breasted jacket is only for fat men, 80′s stockbrokers or David Letterman.  The double breasted suit, like any suit, can maketh the gentleman if it is fitted correctly and worn with finesse and a humble elegance that are prerequisites for the gentleman’s inventory.

This gentleman not only styles his double breasted suit to full effect, he has accompanied it with a handkerchief, hat and moustache to match.

So next time you think you’ll just blend into the crowd by purchasing a fine tailored single breast suit, maybe branch out and add the double breasted suit to your extensive wardrobe.

Jaws forces Roger Moore to watch as he devours some wood as a show of power by his double breasted suit.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

From The Gentleman’s Vault V

Hello all,

It’s Wednesday today, which is known in many gentlemen circles as ‘ Vault-day’. This name has long and complex derivatives which I shan’t go into here. But rest assured, here at The Gentleman we interpret that name as a good excuse to take you to previously uncharted territory in The Gentleman’s vault. So why wait? Grab your umbrella, put on your brogues, fasten your waistcoat, wax your mustache, wind your watch, light a cigar, pour yourself a scotch, invite your lady friend along and join us as we delve into the strange and exciting depths.

Not sure what use the element of fire is beyond lighting your cigar or pipe? Foolishness! I condemn you to reading this article for such folly. (It’s actually quite a spanking read, so it’s not much of a punishment.)

The Gentleman and his fire

This gentleman is teaching his lady how to tame fire. Also, he’s not overcompensating for anything.

Are you sick of waiting for the train or streetcar? So are we at The Gentleman. That’s why we commissioned this insightful article into the a gentleman’s favourite form of manual transportation – the bicycle.

The Gentleman’s bicycle

A gentleman taking his favourite lady for a ride to the ‘fake scenery’ shoppe.

And now that you can use the most powerful of elements to its fullest potential and know how to ride around town properly, the only thing to do is to use this knowledge to impress your gentlelady.

The gentleman’s gentlelady

Sean Connery shows the height of tenderness towards a lady by drying her hair.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The Pipe Smoking Gentleman

Dear Gentlemen,

When you’re out at a soiree or the local Reform Club you may get into a distressing situation when you’ve run out of cigars. Then what are you expected to wash your scotch down with? Before you embarrass yourself by asking your companion if you can steal a smoke, consider purchasing a smoking pipe, an absolute necessity for the ever-ready gentleman.

No need to be fancy, an everyday ordinary briar pipe will surely be appropriate for the formal gentleman.

Pipes, and pipe tobacco comes in a vast range of sorts depending on wether you’re attending a cocktail party or a Lord of the Rings Cosplay party. Choose a pipe that suits your style and persona.

A gentleman must strictly never smoke a Corn-cob pipe. Corn-cob pipes can only be used by such fellows as the tool pictured here or Robert Shaw in Jaws.

Apart from your trusty pipe you’ll need a Czech tool, some pipe cleaners, a packet of matches from your local country club and of course, some pipe tobacco. There is a large array of Tobacco brands and flavours. Borkum Riff Cavendish Cherry is my favoured, as well as its suave title the smell urges a lot of curiosity from fellow smokers.

A Czech tool can be found at the local tobacco store in Arkhangelsk, Russia and can prove quite useful when packing, stoking and cleaning your pipe.

The Gentleman can not be expected to own a collection of hundreds of pipes, nor is it necessary. On your pipe collecting venture, aim to collect a total of seven pipes. Pipe rotation is important for the pipes, for pipe tobacco burns quite wet and a wooden pipe can retain moisture. Having a pipe for each day of the week can allow the pipe to properly cool and dry out.

Howard Hughes had quite a compulsive obsession with his pipe collection too.

So put on your chosen smoking jacket, attend your local pipe night and impress your fellow gentlemen by adding some style to your healthy smoking habits.

Class

Sincerely,

C.M. Badger

 

 

 

 

Biography: Cary Grant

Hello there,

Here is the first of a new segment we will be running in which we will look at a gentleman of stature in depth.  Therefore we will start with the classic gentleman, Cary Grant.

A young Cary Grant poses in his favourite cricket sweater for a mens catalogue of different poses.

Cary Grant was originally born Archibald Alexander Leach and after getting expelled from Fairfield Grammar School the young Archibald fled England to pursue a career in Hollywood.  He changed his name briefly to Cary Lockwood but after a run in with another Cary Lockwood (who he beat in a dual) he changed his last name to Grant.

Here we see Cary Grant being mugged by Marilyn Monroe. Although Monroe took his wallet, Grant stole her heart.

From here Cary Grant went on to have a long and successful acting career which you are no doubt aware of.

Cary Grant would get his exercise by racing biplanes. During the summer of 1959 Grant was actually the fastest person who ever lived.

What you didn’t know is that Cary Grant once beat Winston Churchill in a wine tasting competition.  However the following year Churchill beat Grant in a cigar tasting competition.

Cary Grant was made an honorable doctorate of leaning against walls by Cambridge University.

Cary Grant was responsible for teaching Sean Connery everything he knew about drinking Gin and in turn Connery taught Grant about the joy of Scotch (at this time Scotch was not as widespread and easily attainable as it is now).  Later in his life Grant was crowned King of Gentlemen, a position which he filled until his death in 1986.

Cary Grant was also the inspiration for Hannibal from The A-Team after his hair changed to a silvery white.

All in all Cary Grant’s life was textbook gentleman.  If there is one page we can take out of this textbook it is that we should never deface Cary Grant’s textbook and instead read the whole thing and take on board all all his teachings.

Of course Cary Grant was a virtuoso on many musical instruments, but here he practices his harp.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

From The Gentleman’s Vault IV

Hello there,

It’s that time of the week again when Griffith and I use our dual keys to open the most heavily guarded vault since Ocean’s 11 (the Sinatra one of course), that being The Gentleman’s Vault.  Now you might think it easy for anyone to look at the vault simply by clicking on the ‘archive’ tab at the top of the page.  This is true, but then again if you had seen the original Ocean’s 11 you’ll know it was pretty easy for them too.  But I digress.

Here is a post about the honour that all gentleman must posses and defend until the bitter end.  Don’t know how to defend your honour?  Need to know what sort of dueling technique you should employ to vanquish your foe? Read on.

The Gentleman’s Honour

Two men prepare to fight. Notice the x-ray goggles they wear to see their opponents vital organs.

Next we come to a smashing post about which occupations that are fit for a gentleman.  Does your current employment meet the lofty standards of a gentleman?  Does ‘man-about-town’ classify as a job? Click below for the answers to your wildest dreams.

Gentlemanly Occupations

Since 1945 the need for World War 2 fighter pilots has dried up.

Finally, you must ask yourself ‘what am I going to have for breakfast tomorrow?’  If you cannot answer this correctly or answered that you are ‘not sure’ then this post is one hundred percent vital to you being satiated tomorrow morning.

Breakfast Of Gentlemen

Frank Sinatra's breakfast on the go.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley