The gentleman and billiards

I long ago came to the conclusion that there is a hierarchy of games to be played on the billiards table. There is the lowly game of 8-ball – frequently played by the anti-gentleman in public houses. The gentleman only partakes in a game of 8-ball if it is to display the deficiencies of such a primal game. If you ever see what looks like a gentleman playing 8-ball and he does not clean the table with ease followed by a witty quip about his time in the subcontinent, then you can only assume this ‘gentleman’ is actually the anti-gentleman in disguise. You should throw down your gauntlet, take out your pistol and challenge them to a dual. It is the only reasonable thing to do.

Don't be fooled by the 1940s automobile or the men with hats. This is an 8-ball hut. Gentleman should be at least three furlongs away from these at all times

A few ladder rungs above 8-ball is snooker. Some gentleman will play a quick game of snooker as a warm up for classier game. In snooker there are 15 red balls and 6 other-coloured balls. Red balls are worth 1 point to pocket, and the other coloured balls range from two points for the yellow ball to 7 points for the black ball. It’s nothing racial, it is just how the game was made.

This is the basic table set up of snooker. You place the red balls in a triangle, the coloured balls as shown and then surround the table with scores of gentleman.

At the apex of the hierarchy is billiards. The quintessential gentleman’s past-time. Its rules date back to the beginning of the gentleman – so many years ago that numbers have not been invented yet that could describe the history of this game. Some experts think they may have been crafted as early as 10,000 PC (pre-Connery).

Sean Connery lines up a shot. The game he is playing is an offshoot of billiards that involves 4 identical white balls, obstacles on the table and must be played in the presence of a hand-drawn picture of a house or barn.

Billiards requires only three balls. Two cue balls, one yellow, one white. And one red ball. You can score by pocketing the red ball with your cue ball, pocketing your cue ball after hitting the red or other player’s cue ball, or hitting both the red ball and the other player’s cue ball with your cue ball. It’s simple, graceful and games can last as long as three Churchills (or roughly 6 Earth hours).

Walter Lindrum not only revolutionized billiards, but some academics contend he invented the vest and bow-tie double

Billiards, of course, was mastered by one of the finest gentleman of the 20^th century – Walter Lindrum. Lindrum was known to sample only the finest scotch, smoke only the finest cigars and play only the finest of games while wearing only the finest of vests.

He also had only the finest caricatures drawn of him.

And so when you next come across a billiards table, opt for the gentleman’s game of billiards over the neanderthalic game of 8-ball. Remember, playing 8-ball increases your chances of contracting some of the deadliest diseases in the world. But more importantly, you will be branded a bogan by your gentleman compadres and black-listed from all upcoming soirees and benefits.

Until next time,

HL Griffith

The gentleman and his hat

Hello there,

It bothers me when I walk around the village these days and see people wearing baseball caps.  It bothers me because a high proportion of them are not baseball players nor even baseball enthusiasts.   The baseball cap should be confined to either playing baseball, watching baseball (you may wear a baseball cap to support your team) or if you live perpetually in the 1990s.

Don Draper knows how to wear a hat. You can't see but he is scowling at some youths wearing angled baseball caps. They died moments later out of shame.

There are so many other styles of hat a gentleman may wear and yet time after time we see the ‘cap’ degrading the appearance of the gentleman to the level of ‘street youth’, ‘crack addict’ or ‘lame uncle’.

Indiana Jones shows off his Fedora whilst posing like a true gentleman against this tibetan fireplace.

The gentleman’s hat can do many things, obviously it keeps the sun off your head but it can also compliment your attire.

Bob Hope (left) and Bing Crosby (right) show how to match your hat with your clothes. Here, they have gone one step further and matched their clothes with their musical instruments.

Many gentleman throughout history have been known for their particular headwear and if you select a hat correctly who is to say it won’t be you next in the history books?

Winston Churchill shows off one of his trademark hats whilst smoking one of his trademark cigars in his trademark jowls.

I do realise that hats aren’t for every gentleman but please if you do purchase a hat, don’t get a baseball cap unless you play baseball, and in that case make sure you wear it at no other angle to that which it was specifically made.

Like father, like son. Indiana Jones and his father both sport hats that match their attire. Notice the Nazi in the background wearing a 'cap'. Proof that 'caps' will turn you into homicidal Fascists.

So go out to your local hatters and pick yourself up a nice mercury infused gentleman’s hat.  I’m off to the hatters right now in fact.

Humphrey Bogart is seen here during his 'Indiana Jones' period. The hat maketh the gentleman.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

 

The Weekly Review IV

Hello there,

It’s been a week since the last Weekly Review, and due to that fact alone, it is time for another one.

We started off this week learning about gentlemen in “Rock and Roll” which is a degenerate form of orchestral and jazz music.  Do you know how many members a rock band should have or how they should dress? No? Then click the link and open your mind.

Gentlemen in “Rock and Roll”

The Kinks. Known for their eyesight, they could spot trouble from well over 3 English miles. Also they played music.

Next we were privy to the fact that a gentleman’s word is his bond.  Should a gentleman ever break his word he would have his pipe confiscated, his single malt mixed with cola and drunken by bogans, and be forced to wear tracksuit pants.  So if you don’t want that happening to you, read this post.

A Gentleman’s Word Is His Bond

Sinatra’s timing was always impeccable. I can only assume that he is holding the international award for being a man of his word.

After the mid week raid of the vault, we became learned in the art of the white tuxedo.  Every gentleman should own a white tuxedo jacket, not for styles sake but also because they ward off Nazis.  Therefore everything you need to know about the white tuxedo jacket can be found in the link below (unless you’re a Nazi, in which case there is nothing for you here).

The Gentleman’s White Tuxedo

Harrison Ford looks provocatively at the camera as he smolders in a white tuxedo. Notice his come hither eyes and red carnation.

Lastly, Griffith introduced us to the beach gentleman.  If you need to know what sort of attire a gentleman should wear to the beach or just want to know how Sean Connery can mix numerous gentlemanly pastimes into a single pose, click the link  and your prayers will be answered.

The Beach Gentleman

Sean Connery manages to fuse the nautical gentleman, the reading gentleman, the beach gentleman and the bare-and-unshaven chest gentleman into one amazing pose.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The beach gentleman

Hello there,

As we all know, summer is fast approaching and therefore many of us will be frequenting the beach. This is not just a chance to escape the heat. The beach is a perfect opportunity to display some of the gentleman’s more discreet gentlemanly styles and traits.

Sean Connery manages to fuse the nautical gentleman, the reading gentleman, the beach gentleman and the bare-and-unshaven chest gentleman into one amazing pose.

The beach is an opportunity to shed the three-piece suit and leather loafers and pull out your tight swimming briefs. Please note that gentleman do not wear Hawaiian-themed “board” shorts. If you must wear shorts, please opt for the short-shorts shown in the above picture.

Tom Selleck models the ideal swimming brief for the beach-going gentleman. The visor results from the gentleman having a sensible regard for the perils of ultra-violet radiation.

You may have realised that the beach is a good opportunity to meld many of our previous lessons in gentlemanly behaviour. This is a good time to check out our posts on nautical gentleman, a gentleman doesn’t shave his chest, a gentleman doesn’t work out, and the gentleman’s polo. The beach is like a gentleman’s exam, and with the trusty tutelage of The Gentleman’s Blog, you should be getting first-class honours all round.

Paul Newman enthusiastically poses for a photo. Just after this photo was taken, he shed his clothes to reveal tight trunks and had a sexy beach party with many women and table tennis.

Of course gentleman always take the utmost care when dealing with the sun. A gentleman is already in line for various kinds of medical complications through his other habits, so he will always apply sunscreen liberally and wear appropriate headwear.

Humphrey Bogart stops one kind of cancer while courting another. By the laws of mathematics they cancel each other out and he will never die.

Whilst on the beach, feel free to engage in the beach versions of various gentlemanly sports. Who can resist a carefree game of beach cricket? Or for a more gentlemanly feel, try out beach tennis or beach billiards. Or simply go yachting. If boating is good enough for Shatner, it’s good enough for the rest of the world’s gentlemen.

Beach A-Hoy! William Shatner and James Spader approach the beach in completely not-over-the-top gentlemanly style.

And so with that, feel free to display your gentlemanly beach style this summer.

Yours truly,

HL Griffith

The gentleman’s white tuxedo

Hello there,

Being gentlemen, you will not doubt have a tuxedo draped across one of your leather sofas in the sitting room next to an open bottle of champagne and a full ashtray from last night’s celebrations.  However now is the time to consider the white tuxedo for added style in these warmer months.

Sean Connery leans gracefully against this bar whilst using telepathy to order a Scotch. Observe the lines on his pressed white tuxedo jacket.

No matter your occupation, be you an archaeologist, international spy or bar owner in Casablanca, the white tuxedo will help contrast you to the black tuxedos of your unimaginative peers.

Humphrey Bogart dons his white tuxedo jacket and women literally stick to him out of sheer animal magnetism.

The white tuxedo was invented by someone I’m sure.

Don Draper cranes his neck as he looks down on his black tuxedo wearing colleagues, then leaves them in a wake of smoke during this soiree.

One should generally wear the white tuxedo in the warmer months or in areas where the climate is hotter (these can include Jamaica, Casablanca and in some cases China)

Harrison Ford looks provocatively at the camera as he smolders in a white tuxedo. Notice his come-hither eyes and red carnation.

In the northern hemisphere it is traditional to only wear a white tuxedo jacket from Memorial day (last Monday of May) to Labour day (first Monday of September), but in the southern hemisphere you can do what you like if it’s hot, which it usually is this time of year.

Here we see Bogart in a white tuxedo during his favourite pastime; sitting around brooding whilst shrouded in shadows.

So next time you have a black tie engagement during these warmer months, why not wear a stylish white tuxedo.  I know I will.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

From The Gentleman’s Vault II

Hello there,

Come with The Gentleman as we delve into the deepest parts of our expansive vault of previous material.  Or conversely, feel free to peruse some possibly forgotten posts from previous months.  Enjoy.

Here is a good post about how a gentleman should shave.  No, I’m not talking about his chest or legs, I’m talking about the only part of a gentleman’s body that requires a shave, his strong jaw line.

Shaving: The Gentleman Way

Van-Gogh wasn't a philistine but he was a drunk. Don't drink and shave.

Or why not see if you have the five essential items that a gentleman should have in his study.  If you don’t have all five, it’s okay, you still have time before the shops close.

5 Items a Gentleman Should Have

One of the great gentlemanly activities is rearranging your humidor.

On the other hand you may want to just stay at home.  In that case, then this post is just what you were looking for.  Ever wondered how to wallow in comfort at home yet still look like a gentleman?  The answers lie within.

The Gentleman At Home

Here we see the the winter gentleman compared with the carefree, poolside summer gentleman.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

 

A gentleman’s word is his bond

Hello,

Few things are more annoying and ungentlemanly than a person who you cannot take at their word. Once a gentleman commits to something, not even an invite from Winston Churchill to smoke from his cigar reserve can make a gentleman renege on what he has said.

Winston will be disappointed, but a gentleman’s word is his bond.

All too often, someone will organise a meeting at the local public house for a dram only to decide to turn up “fashionably late”. This ungentlemanly manoeuvre is intentional and the anti-gentleman seeks to infer that they are so popular and so busy that they cannot possibly be everywhere on time. This line of thought it fundamentally flawed. True gentlemen are, by their nature, popular and busy; but they do not make commitments they cannot keep.

Sinatra’s timing was always impeccable. We see him here with what I can only assume is the International Gentleman's Award for being a Man of his Word.

The only thing worse than someone arriving late to a rendezvous is someone not arriving at all. Vague excuses such as “something came up” are not part of the gentleman’s vocabulary. This can be a sure-fire way to identify the anti-gentleman. Be sure to alert this acquaintance to their ungentlemanly behaviour when you next see them. Consider throwing down your gauntlet as well. The anti-gentleman will run scared, but may perhaps reconsider their actions next time.

Humphrey Bogart strikes his ‘waiting for a friend to arrive’ pose while waiting at Rick's Café Américain for an ungentlemanly friend.

This, of course, does not only apply to punctuality. Anything a gentleman says must be followed through with. If someone invites you to a gathering to which you cannot attend, do not say you will go and then just not turn up, and do not say “maybe” when you know you cannot.

Gene Kelly studies the legal document “The Gentleman’s Bond” with his favourite microphone to make sure he is always the perfect gentleman.

So make sure when you say you will do something or be somewhere, you do as a gentleman does, and be a man of your word. If everyone is a gentleman, the world would be a more punctual place.

All the best,

HL Griffith

Gentlemen in “rock and roll”

Hello there,

During the 1960s when smoking was still legal and the mods and the rockers beat each other senseless due to their varying hairstyles, a new breed of gentleman was born into the music of rock and roll.

Herman's Hermits were always gentlemen when out on the town. Please note that Herman was less of a hermit than his name suggests.

Now I’m not talking about Elvis as he was a racist who indulged in fast food and fast women (and a rocker), I’m talking about British rock music.

The Beatles, seen here showing off their drainpipes whilst wearing matching suits (a prerequisite for rock music)

These bands, although rebellious in the eyes of their parents were still – by today’s unfortunately low standard – the utmost gentlemen.

The Rolling Stones: Ever the gentlemen in their matching tweed suits and flying V formation.

Now we have heard about he styles of music that a gentleman listens to (In Music to a Gentleman’s Ears), but if a gentleman must listen to a more upbeat style of music than orchestral but with less instruments than big-band swing there is only one option.  No it is not “trance” “music” (I challenge the authenticity of both these terms).  The correct answer is British rock.

The Animals, don't let the name deceive you though, they were good to their mothers and were more evolved than most of today's "rock" "artists" (Nickleback, Good Charlotte and the like) and with better suits

The British certainly did not invent rock and roll but they did know how to make it popular.  This was possible due to the fact that at that time in history Britannia ruled the waves which encompassed the airwaves as well as the tides and estuaries.

The Kinks at an estuary. Known for their eyesight, The Kinks could spot trouble from well over 3 English miles. Also they played music.

The Kinks seen here playing rock music. Notice their matching double breasted suits, a must for any aspiring musician. Please note that Dave Davies (far left) was part Leprechaun and therefore his ridiculous hat was heritage listed.

The prerequisite when listening to rock music is to see if all the members (there must only be between 4-5 members of a group) are wearing matching attire.  If they are, then you can rest tight that the music is adequate for a gentleman’s ears.

Manfred Mann are caught unawares by this photographer whilst wearing turtleneck sweaters with suits. It was the style at the time.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

The Weekly Review III

Hello there,

It’s the end of the week once again and as such, time for The Weekly Review.  We have had a full week of posts so let us get straight to the review.

Firstly HL Griffith taught us about the origins of that most wonderful of non-alcoholic beverages; tea.  We learnt that a gentleman is worth his weight in gold due to his knowledge of the etiquette of tea drinking.  Therefor you could add considerable value to yourself by reading this.

Click Here For: Gentlemen and Tea

The Queen of England was taught all she knew about proper tea etiquette by yours truly. That’s not all I taught her, if you know what I mean.

Secondly we were told about the wonders of the gentleman’s three piece suit.  With the simple addition of a vest, a normal suit can become more suitable for a gentleman of stature.  But with great style comes great responsibility, so beware of the vest-wearing anti-gentleman.

Click Here For: The Gentleman’s Three Piece

These two gentlemen wallow in gentlemanly elegance whilst reading each others manuscripts.

After the mid week walk down memory lane we were privy to the world of the dancing gentleman.  Many people may think that gentleman don’t dance but this is incorrect as this post conclusively shows.   Read on if you are as intrigued by this idea as I was before I read it (and since I have midday television style amnesia I am still inrigued and will hence re-read this post)

Click Here For: The Dancing Gentleman

In this special case, you may wear sailor’s out fits. This has only ever happened twice (on the set of Anchors Aweigh). The likelihood of this occurring has been lowered considerably now that Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra are both dead.

Finally we were informed about the importance of holding yourself like a gentleman at all times.  If you can’t stand like a gentleman then the clothes you wear are nothing more than a gimmick, woven by lies and held together with the stitching of deception.

Click Here For: How to hold yourself like a gentleman

You don't see Sean Connery slouching when he stands in front of vintage automobiles looking wistfully into the distance.

So there you have it.

G.O. Brixley

How to hold yourself like a gentleman.

Hello there,

I walk around town these days and see many men slouching, dragging their feet or generally holding themselves in an uncouth stupor.  This must be corrected.

You don't see Sean Connery slouching when he stands in front of vintage automobiles looking wistfully into the distance.

A gentleman always holds himself as if the Queen was pinching his hindquarters; straight back and shoulders with a clenched buttocks.  The hunchback of Notre Dame wasn’t going around being a gentleman in his state, and not because he was a hunchback but because he was a Frenchman.

David Bowie in his "gentleman's detective" look demonstrates the 'one hand in the coat' pose while shadowing a man with a briefcase

A gentleman doesn’t lean against a wall as if he is selling crack,  he stands up straight as if he’s selling manners by the ounce (NB: manners aren’t a tangible good).

Paul Newman shows how to properly hang your coat over your shoulder. Here he ponders what other styles of salad dressing he should invent when he gets home.

How one holds oneself reflects greatly on the sort of person they are.  Even though one may be dressed to the nines like a gentleman, if they drag their feet along the ground they should be sterilised for the good of gentleman-kind.

Michael Caine shows the proper way to stand by a fireplace. This is an important stance for a gentleman since at least one quarter of a his life will be spent standing next to a fireplace.

In the book The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the evil Mr. Hyde would shrink and slink around like a demon of the night (contrary to popular depictions Mr. Hyde wasn’t a large monster; that was the Incredible Hulk), and don’t think for a moment that Robert Louis Stevenson wasn’t a complete gentleman at all time.  I said don’t.

Clark Gable shows how to stand at a fireplace when there is no fireplace.

Whether it  be free standing, against a fireplace, against a wall, with your coat over your shoulder or leaning against your fine automobile, a gentleman must always hold himself in a way that befits his gentlemanly manners and fine clothes.

Sean Connery shows how to lean again an automobile whilst in a suit.

And if you’re like Sean Connery, you must master the automobile lean.

Sean Connery showing the more casual automobile pose.

So there you have it,

G.O. Brixley